This one is up there with that report they did that concluded “People who wear shoes are more likely to tie knots.” I’m sure you’re familiar with the myriad of stupid reports people have done over the years. Well, this one’s a doozy!
Turns out that Men Who Do Housework May Get More Sex! No shit! Honest! I ain’t kidding!
But let’s qualify that, okay? I’m thinking they’re talking about men in relationships… traditional “you never help out around the house” relationships. Okay?
That said, who the fuck did not know this? Was there some group of guys saying, “No, seriously. If I smear shit on the walls, she gets horny. No kidding. I take my filth and wipe it on the wallpaper, and she blows me. Swear to fucking god!”
Next thing you’ll be hearing is a report that concludes “Men who wash may get more sex” and another with “Men without big, pus-running scabs on their dicks may get more sex”…
… possibly…
… they may want to look into that…
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
The morning after last night…
To say we made it through last night would be an overstatement.
Shrub is endorsing McCain as the presumed, Repugnant nominee this morning. Need I say more?
And, somehow, Clinton has the “mo” to keep going. She won three of the races, though Texas was a squeaker, but did not necessarily pull out more delegates. For me, it was very discouraging to see Clinton win, considering how she did it through fear mongering and lying, tactics she often attributes to the Repugnants. It still seems unlikely that she’ll be the nominee but, let me say now, if she were, I would never be able to vote for her because of her lying and cheating. I’ll vote for the Green candidate who has no chance of winning and I’ll do it proudly, because I won’t vote for someone I can’t trust.
Now, before I wrap up, there is one issue I want to address. It keeps coming up – Clinton raised it this past week with the “Three AM” ad – and I just think it’s stupid. That is, this presumption that Barak Obama is someone less prepared to deal with national security than McCain or Clinton.
So, let’s see.
McCain’s experience with national security is that he was tortured. And now, he endorses torture. If you don’t see that red flag, get your eyes checked.
Clinton’s experience with national security is through osmosis, if at all. Her husband was once president.
As far as I can see, Obama is just as prepared as either candidate. He’s just more honest about it, which is why he has my support.
Shrub is endorsing McCain as the presumed, Repugnant nominee this morning. Need I say more?
And, somehow, Clinton has the “mo” to keep going. She won three of the races, though Texas was a squeaker, but did not necessarily pull out more delegates. For me, it was very discouraging to see Clinton win, considering how she did it through fear mongering and lying, tactics she often attributes to the Repugnants. It still seems unlikely that she’ll be the nominee but, let me say now, if she were, I would never be able to vote for her because of her lying and cheating. I’ll vote for the Green candidate who has no chance of winning and I’ll do it proudly, because I won’t vote for someone I can’t trust.
Now, before I wrap up, there is one issue I want to address. It keeps coming up – Clinton raised it this past week with the “Three AM” ad – and I just think it’s stupid. That is, this presumption that Barak Obama is someone less prepared to deal with national security than McCain or Clinton.
So, let’s see.
McCain’s experience with national security is that he was tortured. And now, he endorses torture. If you don’t see that red flag, get your eyes checked.
Clinton’s experience with national security is through osmosis, if at all. Her husband was once president.
As far as I can see, Obama is just as prepared as either candidate. He’s just more honest about it, which is why he has my support.
Crimes of the morning…
Vicky owes me for this one.
I felt her nudging me this morning. Nudging. Nudging. Nudging. “Honey,” she asked, “when are you getting up?”
I wanted nothing more than to stay asleep. I was having a great, musical nightmare that I was enjoying thoroughly. It was nearing its climax – but she kept nudging. So, I rolled over, looked at the clock, and said, “In about ten minutes.” If only she had allowed me to sleep for ten more minutes – BUT NO!
That’s got to be a crime, waking someone up ten minutes early for no other reason than to ask when they would have woken up had you not totally fucked up their sleep.
If it’s not, it should be!
I felt her nudging me this morning. Nudging. Nudging. Nudging. “Honey,” she asked, “when are you getting up?”
I wanted nothing more than to stay asleep. I was having a great, musical nightmare that I was enjoying thoroughly. It was nearing its climax – but she kept nudging. So, I rolled over, looked at the clock, and said, “In about ten minutes.” If only she had allowed me to sleep for ten more minutes – BUT NO!
That’s got to be a crime, waking someone up ten minutes early for no other reason than to ask when they would have woken up had you not totally fucked up their sleep.
If it’s not, it should be!
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Everyone’s moving…
Have you seen them? The FOR SALE signs?
Every morning, when I’m driving to work or heading to the gym, I see one after another after another after another. Sometimes, there are five, six, or seven on a street.
This morning, as I went to the gym, in the weeeeee small hours of the morning (4:20am, which might explain why my brain was so flabby), I wondered, “Where are all these people moving to? Where are they going?”
Within an instant, the answer came to me. “They’re moving to PLEASEGODDON’TFORCLOSEONME-land! They are relocating to Wearefucked, USA. They’re moving to Gottarentfromnowon-ville! They’re heading off to PleasebuymyhouseormycreditwillberuinedandI’llbelivingonthestreet City!”
That’s the sad truth of it. So many people bought houses with these shitty sub-prime loans and they won’t be able to rent if their credit gets ruined so they have to sell or be in a bucket filled with fiery-hot trouble. It’s going to change the way we look at buying a house for a long time and it’s going to leave a lot of ruined lives in its wake.
I am very thankful that Vicky and I got out of our sub-prime before it was too late. If I’d been out of work much longer, things would be very different, and much worse, for us.
But, don’t listen to me. According to Shrub, there’s no recession!
Every morning, when I’m driving to work or heading to the gym, I see one after another after another after another. Sometimes, there are five, six, or seven on a street.
This morning, as I went to the gym, in the weeeeee small hours of the morning (4:20am, which might explain why my brain was so flabby), I wondered, “Where are all these people moving to? Where are they going?”
Within an instant, the answer came to me. “They’re moving to PLEASEGODDON’TFORCLOSEONME-land! They are relocating to Wearefucked, USA. They’re moving to Gottarentfromnowon-ville! They’re heading off to PleasebuymyhouseormycreditwillberuinedandI’llbelivingonthestreet City!”
That’s the sad truth of it. So many people bought houses with these shitty sub-prime loans and they won’t be able to rent if their credit gets ruined so they have to sell or be in a bucket filled with fiery-hot trouble. It’s going to change the way we look at buying a house for a long time and it’s going to leave a lot of ruined lives in its wake.
I am very thankful that Vicky and I got out of our sub-prime before it was too late. If I’d been out of work much longer, things would be very different, and much worse, for us.
But, don’t listen to me. According to Shrub, there’s no recession!
Monday, March 03, 2008
Enough war for you?...
So… how you liking Afghanistan? Enjoying Iraq, are you?
With all this great war going on, don’t you sometimes wish we had more?
Of course, you do! You’re American, aren’t you?
Well, hot damn! The administration of homicidal maniacs that we call our President has gone and found a new place to kill another group of people who are too poor, too weak, and too hungry to actually fight back. Yes, it’s a goddamn godsend for the bloodthirsty, that’s what the Bush administration is!
This past weekend, with no fanfare just a thirst for blood, the US started bombing the hell out of Somalia – our newest, greatest enemy.
Be very afraid of the weak – because America could never, ever be wrong when it commits crimes against humanity.
With all this great war going on, don’t you sometimes wish we had more?
Of course, you do! You’re American, aren’t you?
Well, hot damn! The administration of homicidal maniacs that we call our President has gone and found a new place to kill another group of people who are too poor, too weak, and too hungry to actually fight back. Yes, it’s a goddamn godsend for the bloodthirsty, that’s what the Bush administration is!
This past weekend, with no fanfare just a thirst for blood, the US started bombing the hell out of Somalia – our newest, greatest enemy.
Be very afraid of the weak – because America could never, ever be wrong when it commits crimes against humanity.
Monday, February 25, 2008
The first 60 days…
I’ve almost been afraid to say this because I might “jinx” it or something.
But, here goes… Today I officially start my third month of not smoking. That’s right. I haven’t had a ciggie in two months.
You can close your mouths now.
I’m really proud of myself so far and hope to keep things going. In case you’re wondering how you can quit, too…
Quitting Smoking Ken’s Way
1) Get sick. Get really sick. Pneumonia’s good. Get that.
2) How do you like smoking now?
3) Pretty fucked up, huh?
4) Okay, now here comes the hard part.
5) Once you’re better… don’t smoke.
6) Keep not smoking.
7) Yeah, this is fucked up, too.
8) The whole thing is fucked up.
9) Fuck this! I want a smoke!
10) Wait! Hold on! You’re not smoking. Remember?
11) Think of all the benefits your body experiences by not smoking.
12) Face it. You’re a mess. You need all the help you can get.
13) After you gain 30 pounds in the first week, resolve to hit the gym.
14) Now, go to the gym.
15) Now, go inside.
16) Now, get on a machine.
17) Any machine.
18) Just pick one.
19) No, not that one. The other one.
20) There. Doesn’t that feel better?
21) No, don’t just sit there.
22) Take up jogging.
23) Feel your lungs hurt? That’s what smoking has done to your lungs. You’d probably be better of not jogging.
24) Keep it up anyway. Isn’t this fun?
25) What do you mean, “It starts with an F – U?”
26) Oh, I get it. Really funny.
27) Still want to smoke? That’s okay. Just cut off a digit every time you get the urge.
28) Sure, you can include toes.
29) Learn how to type with your nose.
Yes, I’m feeling great. Can’t wait for month three.
Mind you, if Clostio was around, he’d probably reward me with a ciggie… (I had to get that one jibe in. The jerk hasn’t spoken to me in a year!)
But, here goes… Today I officially start my third month of not smoking. That’s right. I haven’t had a ciggie in two months.
You can close your mouths now.
I’m really proud of myself so far and hope to keep things going. In case you’re wondering how you can quit, too…
Quitting Smoking Ken’s Way
1) Get sick. Get really sick. Pneumonia’s good. Get that.
2) How do you like smoking now?
3) Pretty fucked up, huh?
4) Okay, now here comes the hard part.
5) Once you’re better… don’t smoke.
6) Keep not smoking.
7) Yeah, this is fucked up, too.
8) The whole thing is fucked up.
9) Fuck this! I want a smoke!
10) Wait! Hold on! You’re not smoking. Remember?
11) Think of all the benefits your body experiences by not smoking.
12) Face it. You’re a mess. You need all the help you can get.
13) After you gain 30 pounds in the first week, resolve to hit the gym.
14) Now, go to the gym.
15) Now, go inside.
16) Now, get on a machine.
17) Any machine.
18) Just pick one.
19) No, not that one. The other one.
20) There. Doesn’t that feel better?
21) No, don’t just sit there.
22) Take up jogging.
23) Feel your lungs hurt? That’s what smoking has done to your lungs. You’d probably be better of not jogging.
24) Keep it up anyway. Isn’t this fun?
25) What do you mean, “It starts with an F – U?”
26) Oh, I get it. Really funny.
27) Still want to smoke? That’s okay. Just cut off a digit every time you get the urge.
28) Sure, you can include toes.
29) Learn how to type with your nose.
Yes, I’m feeling great. Can’t wait for month three.
Mind you, if Clostio was around, he’d probably reward me with a ciggie… (I had to get that one jibe in. The jerk hasn’t spoken to me in a year!)
Friday, February 22, 2008
Change you can Xerox…
If you didn’t hear Hillary say it, you’ve probably heard about her saying it by now. Amidst the tsunami of analysis, I’d like to take just a moment of your time because there’s something everyone seems to be missing. Let me be the first to say it.
“That’s okay, too.”
Listen, let’s imagine for a minute that it’s true. Okay? Let’s imagine that Barak Obama is Xeroxing all the great speeches from wise men throughout history. Let’s imagine that he writes not one word but that he simply recites the wisdom of the ages. Imagine that.
Now, what’s the problem?
We currently have an administration that eschews wisdom, that avoids hopes, that shreds the profound, and dances on the destruction of our collective intelligence. To have anyone, man, woman, or Beagle, who stands by the wisdom of the ages and is inspired enough to want to make that message his own would be an amazing improvement over the system of lies, corruption, and evil that presently exists.
So, at worst, Barak Obama is led by the wisdom of others.
Put that man in jail.
“That’s okay, too.”
Listen, let’s imagine for a minute that it’s true. Okay? Let’s imagine that Barak Obama is Xeroxing all the great speeches from wise men throughout history. Let’s imagine that he writes not one word but that he simply recites the wisdom of the ages. Imagine that.
Now, what’s the problem?
We currently have an administration that eschews wisdom, that avoids hopes, that shreds the profound, and dances on the destruction of our collective intelligence. To have anyone, man, woman, or Beagle, who stands by the wisdom of the ages and is inspired enough to want to make that message his own would be an amazing improvement over the system of lies, corruption, and evil that presently exists.
So, at worst, Barak Obama is led by the wisdom of others.
Put that man in jail.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Lobbyist's for McCain...
Have you heard about this New York Time’s story about McCain and a lobbyist?
Call me cynical but doesn’t it feel like his people planted this to gain him a little street cred amongst the hard right? It doesn’t seem to make any sense any other way.
Call me cynical but doesn’t it feel like his people planted this to gain him a little street cred amongst the hard right? It doesn’t seem to make any sense any other way.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
The idiots come out against Obama…
Looks like McCain’s going to get the idiot vote. Dammit. Obama’s doomed to fail now.
Vicky was forwarded an email from a “friend” today that basically, in that supremely intelligent way idiots have of cutting and pasting another person’s thoughts without thinking of something of their own, respewed the same bile Michelle Malkin spewed about Barak’s wife.
In that “No We Can’t” spirit, he prefaced it with How a real thinker doesn't get caught up in the "we can do it"!
God forbid anyone get inspired by hope.
Now, you’re probably wondering about the ironic part. Here it is. The ironic part is this is the same Michelle Malkin who authored the book applauding America’s history of imprisoning the innocent and ignoring the rule of law. Apparently, these are the kinds of things she enjoys being proud of. Well, it’s not too much of a stretch, then, to see that she would be proud of illegal wars in Iraq, torture, mercantilism, and various other war crimes. Yep, that Malkin chick sure has her priorities straight!
Why get “caught up” in hope when you have things like war crimes you can revel in?
Vicky was forwarded an email from a “friend” today that basically, in that supremely intelligent way idiots have of cutting and pasting another person’s thoughts without thinking of something of their own, respewed the same bile Michelle Malkin spewed about Barak’s wife.
In that “No We Can’t” spirit, he prefaced it with How a real thinker doesn't get caught up in the "we can do it"!
God forbid anyone get inspired by hope.
Now, you’re probably wondering about the ironic part. Here it is. The ironic part is this is the same Michelle Malkin who authored the book applauding America’s history of imprisoning the innocent and ignoring the rule of law. Apparently, these are the kinds of things she enjoys being proud of. Well, it’s not too much of a stretch, then, to see that she would be proud of illegal wars in Iraq, torture, mercantilism, and various other war crimes. Yep, that Malkin chick sure has her priorities straight!
Why get “caught up” in hope when you have things like war crimes you can revel in?
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
That’s Motivation…
This morning. 4:30am.
A very fine drizzle fell on me as I walked from my car into the gym. I passed my card over to the employee.
He said, “Good morning.”
I said, “Good morning.” And then, I let out a great, big yawn. I hadn’t wanted to but, seriously, it was 4:30am.
We both laughed and he said, “Now, that’s motivation! Good for you!”
It was a nice moment, and it reminded me what a good job I’m doing – not smoking, eating right, hitting the gym just about every day. I can’t wait until I actually lose some weight and have something to show for it, you know?
A very fine drizzle fell on me as I walked from my car into the gym. I passed my card over to the employee.
He said, “Good morning.”
I said, “Good morning.” And then, I let out a great, big yawn. I hadn’t wanted to but, seriously, it was 4:30am.
We both laughed and he said, “Now, that’s motivation! Good for you!”
It was a nice moment, and it reminded me what a good job I’m doing – not smoking, eating right, hitting the gym just about every day. I can’t wait until I actually lose some weight and have something to show for it, you know?
Friday, February 15, 2008
Shrub keeps trying to hold us hostage...
It's called Terrorism. That is what our President practices.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
He was against torture before he was for it...
Looks like McCain wants to be the Pro-War and Pro-Torture candidate because he voted against making torture illegal, which was legislation he himself supported up until just a few months ago!
Has the moratorium on the term "Flip Flopper" expired, yet? Can we use that?
Has the moratorium on the term "Flip Flopper" expired, yet? Can we use that?
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Tits and Ass…
(Every year, I am required to write at least one entry that makes me look despicable. Here's this year's entry.)
It’s the day before Valentine’s Day and I figured it would be a good time to say this.
Middle-aged men should not go to college. Married middle-aged men (like me) should be restricted with extreme prejudice.
Here’s the thing: I go to Cal State Fullerton every Tuesday and Saturday for class. Every time I walk on that campus, my jaw drops a little, my libido boils a little, and my wedding ring constricts. I didn’t choose CSF for this reason but it is filled with beautiful, young – there’s some hot chicks, Jack! Swear to DOG! I got one chick in my Kid’s TV class who fills a sweater like you wouldn’t believe – not immense, just perfect. And there’s a girl in my Greek Philosophy class who epitomizes why evolution gave us legs. All across the campus, I am surrounded by the most amazing examples of femininity. It’s fucking awesome.
And I am 42 years old.
Now, don’t get the idea I’m drooling over these girls or staring at them, but you can’t help but notice and the drooling is all done on the inside. Listen, married men are still men, you know?
This is why you go to college in your twenties – so you enjoy partake of the fruit! I am old enough to be the father of most of these girls. I’m the old fart. And I get that, but geeeez, what lovely scenery!
Now, Vicky’s going to read this – and you’re probably thinking “You know, Vicky’s going to read this” – but believe me when I tell you she’d check me into a mental hospital if I didn’t notice these girls. There’s something wrong with any man who doesn’t see a women and not think, on some level at least, “Hmmmm…. Maybe….”
Of course, when I’m at school, it’s more like, “Shit, yeah.” “Hell, yeah.” “Fuck, yes.” “God damn.” “Holy shit.” and, of course, “Daddy wants candy.”
I’m an old perv.
But this will end when I get my degree… 30 or 40 years from now…
It’s the day before Valentine’s Day and I figured it would be a good time to say this.
Middle-aged men should not go to college. Married middle-aged men (like me) should be restricted with extreme prejudice.
Here’s the thing: I go to Cal State Fullerton every Tuesday and Saturday for class. Every time I walk on that campus, my jaw drops a little, my libido boils a little, and my wedding ring constricts. I didn’t choose CSF for this reason but it is filled with beautiful, young – there’s some hot chicks, Jack! Swear to DOG! I got one chick in my Kid’s TV class who fills a sweater like you wouldn’t believe – not immense, just perfect. And there’s a girl in my Greek Philosophy class who epitomizes why evolution gave us legs. All across the campus, I am surrounded by the most amazing examples of femininity. It’s fucking awesome.
And I am 42 years old.
Now, don’t get the idea I’m drooling over these girls or staring at them, but you can’t help but notice and the drooling is all done on the inside. Listen, married men are still men, you know?
This is why you go to college in your twenties – so you enjoy partake of the fruit! I am old enough to be the father of most of these girls. I’m the old fart. And I get that, but geeeez, what lovely scenery!
Now, Vicky’s going to read this – and you’re probably thinking “You know, Vicky’s going to read this” – but believe me when I tell you she’d check me into a mental hospital if I didn’t notice these girls. There’s something wrong with any man who doesn’t see a women and not think, on some level at least, “Hmmmm…. Maybe….”
Of course, when I’m at school, it’s more like, “Shit, yeah.” “Hell, yeah.” “Fuck, yes.” “God damn.” “Holy shit.” and, of course, “Daddy wants candy.”
I’m an old perv.
But this will end when I get my degree… 30 or 40 years from now…
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Because who needs the Constitution anyway...
Not only did they give Shrub everything he wanted, they did it on an election day. Illegal Wiretapping - Immunity - the whole kaboodle.
Seriously, are there just REPUBLICANS and republicans? What the hell happened to the Democrats?
Seriously, are there just REPUBLICANS and republicans? What the hell happened to the Democrats?
Potomac Tuesday…
Another primary. Another reason to weigh in. Those who know me know I am a political junky. Vicky’s no football widow but she can’t understand why I get so crazy every time people cast votes.
So, what have we got? Well, we have two people in each of the two parties that has a chance in hell of winning. Normally, I’d be in with the Greens despite their lack of organization. Listen, folks, if there was a better party on the left, I’d change teams. The truth, though, is that for all of their disorganization, the Greens still have the best platform when it comes to ethics, honesty, and truth. Winning at any price just isn’t in there.
There’s still a chance I’ll vote for the Green candidate. But Obama has shown me enough to make me pause for a minute. (In this case, it’s a minute that lasts for the next nine months or so…)
So, what about Obama? He had a great run with this weekend’s primaries. His numbers are going up. He is “da man”. Clinton, on the other hand… is Clinton, nobody to “misunderestimate” (as our Village Idiot of a President has told us). It seems very clear that Obama is going to need Texas, probably Ohio and Virginia as well, is he wants the nomination. He gets this, most likely, with Edwards’ support, and if you look at their platforms it’s a good fit. Don’t worry about those Super Delegates. Once Clinton loses some more states, especially if she loses Texas, they will go Obama’s way.
On to the Republibots, who are acting especially robotic in not accepting their front runner, John McCain. They think he’s not “conservative” enough – as if holding up this puppet prez we got could be called liberal. Actually, Vicky and I were at breakfast on Sunday and listened to a gaggle of wizened, old, conservative women discuss how they should have been paying attention to McCain instead of Hillary because now they’re stuck with both “liberals”, and then lament about how much they loved Romney. This goes to show how easily duped they are. Anyone who calls Clinton, let alone McCain, a “liberal” does not know the meaning of the word. But this probably explains the increasing popularity of Huckleberry, the man who said he’d institute a Theocracy. But when you’re forced to choose between that and a Hundred-Year War (which was McCain’s suggestion about the middle east), well I guess Theocracy wins every time.
Anyway, I’m having fun watching the proceedings. Looks like the political season may last longer than football season, which for me lasts a few weeks. (Did I not mention I’m not a sports nut?)
So, what have we got? Well, we have two people in each of the two parties that has a chance in hell of winning. Normally, I’d be in with the Greens despite their lack of organization. Listen, folks, if there was a better party on the left, I’d change teams. The truth, though, is that for all of their disorganization, the Greens still have the best platform when it comes to ethics, honesty, and truth. Winning at any price just isn’t in there.
There’s still a chance I’ll vote for the Green candidate. But Obama has shown me enough to make me pause for a minute. (In this case, it’s a minute that lasts for the next nine months or so…)
So, what about Obama? He had a great run with this weekend’s primaries. His numbers are going up. He is “da man”. Clinton, on the other hand… is Clinton, nobody to “misunderestimate” (as our Village Idiot of a President has told us). It seems very clear that Obama is going to need Texas, probably Ohio and Virginia as well, is he wants the nomination. He gets this, most likely, with Edwards’ support, and if you look at their platforms it’s a good fit. Don’t worry about those Super Delegates. Once Clinton loses some more states, especially if she loses Texas, they will go Obama’s way.
On to the Republibots, who are acting especially robotic in not accepting their front runner, John McCain. They think he’s not “conservative” enough – as if holding up this puppet prez we got could be called liberal. Actually, Vicky and I were at breakfast on Sunday and listened to a gaggle of wizened, old, conservative women discuss how they should have been paying attention to McCain instead of Hillary because now they’re stuck with both “liberals”, and then lament about how much they loved Romney. This goes to show how easily duped they are. Anyone who calls Clinton, let alone McCain, a “liberal” does not know the meaning of the word. But this probably explains the increasing popularity of Huckleberry, the man who said he’d institute a Theocracy. But when you’re forced to choose between that and a Hundred-Year War (which was McCain’s suggestion about the middle east), well I guess Theocracy wins every time.
Anyway, I’m having fun watching the proceedings. Looks like the political season may last longer than football season, which for me lasts a few weeks. (Did I not mention I’m not a sports nut?)
Monday, February 11, 2008
You can call me Ray…
Maybe it’s just me, but have you ever met someone whose name doesn’t fit?
Back in high school, I had a make-up girl (it was my first play) whose name was Cheryl but “Susan” just fit her much better. She didn’t look like a Cheryl. She looked like a Susan. So, I called her Susan – and I was the only person who was allowed, by the way. (Suave and clueless all in one package!)
Well, it’s happened again. There’s this guy at work whose name is Ali. Oddly, he looks like an Ali. He sounds like an Ali, too. But I keep wanting to call him “Ray”. I say, “Good morning, Ra- Ali.”
Son of a bitch, you know?
So, here’s hoping I’m not the only person with this problem. Otherwise, I might have to talk to my wife…. Vicky…. Cause I don’t even DARE make that joke!
Back in high school, I had a make-up girl (it was my first play) whose name was Cheryl but “Susan” just fit her much better. She didn’t look like a Cheryl. She looked like a Susan. So, I called her Susan – and I was the only person who was allowed, by the way. (Suave and clueless all in one package!)
Well, it’s happened again. There’s this guy at work whose name is Ali. Oddly, he looks like an Ali. He sounds like an Ali, too. But I keep wanting to call him “Ray”. I say, “Good morning, Ra- Ali.”
Son of a bitch, you know?
So, here’s hoping I’m not the only person with this problem. Otherwise, I might have to talk to my wife…. Vicky…. Cause I don’t even DARE make that joke!
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Dumbocrats - it's trademarked!...
So, the country is facing record deficits and a war we can't possibly pay for and in the face of a Republican party dead set on giving away any money we might have, we know we can rely on the Dumbocrats...
To give away even more!!!
This is a lot like a family with a mountain of debt charging all the ice cream they can eat on their VISA card.
To give away even more!!!
This is a lot like a family with a mountain of debt charging all the ice cream they can eat on their VISA card.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Speaking of war crimes...
Secret military prisons where people can be illegally detained for the rest of their lives?
Yeah, we have them, too.
Yeah, we have them, too.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Now do you believe me?...
In case you didn’t catch this, it’s now on record that the United States has used torture under the watchful eye of George Bush.
Let the war crime trials commence.
Let the war crime trials commence.
Monday, February 04, 2008
A man of many words… too many…
This has always been a problem.
Diarrhea of the mouth, they used to call it. Now, it’s diarrhea of the fingers… well, it would be except that sounds gross…
The thing is, I received a rejection letter for my book, Climbing Maya, yesterday. Climbing Maya is about 90,000 words long. This publisher said they couldn’t use any book that was over 70,000 words. Normally, I’d have no objection to shortening the book a little but, in this case, that’s nearly a quarter! Climbing Maya was just too damned long!
Everything I had previously read seemed to point to 100k words as the length you’d need for a novel but how many words is it, really?
Yahoo Answers has a variety of… well, call them Answers at your peril.
They give numbers from 50k up to 80k. Truth be told, then, I might have been going a little long.
If that’s the case, though, I do have some good news as well. My present novel, Last Ditch, was laid out initially with an 80k word count. After this email, though, I’m dropping it down to 75k. Daughter of a One-Armed Man clocks in at 93k but I can edit that down to 85k pretty easily. Wormfood already clocks in at a tidy 76k. The new strategy, then, will be on shorter books with (obviously) tighter stories.
You know, cause one of these days publication would be nice. Honestly.
Diarrhea of the mouth, they used to call it. Now, it’s diarrhea of the fingers… well, it would be except that sounds gross…
The thing is, I received a rejection letter for my book, Climbing Maya, yesterday. Climbing Maya is about 90,000 words long. This publisher said they couldn’t use any book that was over 70,000 words. Normally, I’d have no objection to shortening the book a little but, in this case, that’s nearly a quarter! Climbing Maya was just too damned long!
Everything I had previously read seemed to point to 100k words as the length you’d need for a novel but how many words is it, really?
Yahoo Answers has a variety of… well, call them Answers at your peril.
They give numbers from 50k up to 80k. Truth be told, then, I might have been going a little long.
If that’s the case, though, I do have some good news as well. My present novel, Last Ditch, was laid out initially with an 80k word count. After this email, though, I’m dropping it down to 75k. Daughter of a One-Armed Man clocks in at 93k but I can edit that down to 85k pretty easily. Wormfood already clocks in at a tidy 76k. The new strategy, then, will be on shorter books with (obviously) tighter stories.
You know, cause one of these days publication would be nice. Honestly.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Vicky sent me one of these once...
... but, of course, she did it on piano.
I mean, she played the song on the piano.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Aftermath…
In the aftermath of Monday’s SoU Address, which had better be Shrub’s final SoU – no declaring martial law, please! – things got messy.
As the song goes, there’s got to be a morning after. In our case, it was a mourning. Vicky was up part of the night, talking herself out of throwing up. I greeted the dawn with pure and painful hatred. You see, Vicky and I had started the speech agreeing that we would just enjoy a bottle of wine. No shots for us! No! Then, one bottle turned into two; we needed fortification through Shrub’s complete insanity. Then, as he somehow threaded together multiple key words – “We must stop the terrorists in Iraq who attacked on September 11th from Al Qaeda who – drink, goddamn it! DRINK!” – well, we just had to take out the tequila and commence with the drinking.
Yep… wine and tequila…
Welcome to hangover country.
The problem with Shrub’s speech wasn’t just that he was a lame duck but how filled with lies the damn thing was! It was a lie sandwich with a side of lies! The sheer scope of his lies was so epic as to refute any attempt at categorization but, suffice it to say, whenever he tried to attribute anything positive to his administration, it made me want to drink. And I really wanted someone to smack him. Hey, Nancy Pelosi! Do us all a favor for a change, will ya?!
One day later came the Florida primary. If I hadn’t gotten drunk the night before, I would have last night. The political field gets sorrier every day. Let’s recap.
On the Republican side, McCain won. McCain likes to be known as a maverick but he’s succeeded in making nice to the party that blackballed him eight years ago just fine. He sided with Bush on the war. He sided with Bush on the "surge". He sided with Bush on the flushing of the Constitution. He almost spoke out against torture but then made nice because he wanted to get Shrub’s job. McCain is a maverick like I’m an NBA star. He wants to keep funding an unwinnable war on the back of our grand-children. No, thank you. After him comes Romney, “Mittens” as Rachel Maddow calls him. (And, by the way, I just love Rachel. She is terrific, fantastic – she’s smart and funny on toast.) Mittens will change any view to get another vote, even if it costs him two more, because he has the money to spread any lie about the other guy he needs to win. He is not what you would call “Mister Dignity”. That brings us to Huckleberry, the guy who isn’t shy about turning our government from a messy democracy into a neat and tidy theocracy. Finally, the only person to pull double digits in Florida was Guliani. Here’s a guy who thinks that losing every primary on the way to Florida will help him win Florida. Here’s a shock: he lost Florida, too! Rumor has it he’s dropping out of the race. Thank god! When your only winning attribute is having your city attacked, odds are you’re not the Captain of Security you think you are, okay?
Now, the Dems. I don’t know where to start. So, ladies first. I read today that Edwards was dropping out of the race – What? There are no ladies! – and I have to say that it’s a shame. It’s also understandable. The fact is that Edwards is a perfectly viable candidate. He’d make a good president, far superior to that empty suit who currently inhabits the Oval Office. The problem is all about timing. Edwards is a good man but the thing is his timing stinks. He just happened to run in a year when he’s up against Barack Obama. More on that in a minute. As for Clinton, I am ashamed. Last night any support I had for her went away when she admitted to cheating. She said that she would make sure the Florida delegates were seated at the convention, when the primary rules state that they are not to be. (If you don’t understand why, you must read up!) Clinton wants to change the rules to work in her favor, which we all know from Kobayashi Maru is cheating. Our President should be an honorable person, a person who stands by what is right when the chips are down, rather than trying to change the facts to match a preconceived plan…. which sounds a lot like Shrub…
And that leaves Barack Obama. I wish Edwards wasn’t dropping out of the race because he’s a very good man but I can tolerate it because it leaves Barack Obama. If I were to vote for a Democrat – keeping in mind only two remain – it would be Barack. Simply put, we need him. We haven’t seen his like in my lifetime. If he can keep from getting shot, he’ll probably make a great president. Sadly, that’s not a joke. We live in a country filled with hateful people. I might not vote for Barack – I’m not a Dem, after all – but I hope he does win. (Greens aren’t known for voting for winners. They vote their conscience.)
And so, we’re through two days of rough, political events. Next week comes Super Tuesday… this is like the halfway mark in the political season. It probably won’t decide the candidate but it is bound to illuminate things quite a bit.
I can’t wait!
As the song goes, there’s got to be a morning after. In our case, it was a mourning. Vicky was up part of the night, talking herself out of throwing up. I greeted the dawn with pure and painful hatred. You see, Vicky and I had started the speech agreeing that we would just enjoy a bottle of wine. No shots for us! No! Then, one bottle turned into two; we needed fortification through Shrub’s complete insanity. Then, as he somehow threaded together multiple key words – “We must stop the terrorists in Iraq who attacked on September 11th from Al Qaeda who – drink, goddamn it! DRINK!” – well, we just had to take out the tequila and commence with the drinking.
Yep… wine and tequila…
Welcome to hangover country.
The problem with Shrub’s speech wasn’t just that he was a lame duck but how filled with lies the damn thing was! It was a lie sandwich with a side of lies! The sheer scope of his lies was so epic as to refute any attempt at categorization but, suffice it to say, whenever he tried to attribute anything positive to his administration, it made me want to drink. And I really wanted someone to smack him. Hey, Nancy Pelosi! Do us all a favor for a change, will ya?!
One day later came the Florida primary. If I hadn’t gotten drunk the night before, I would have last night. The political field gets sorrier every day. Let’s recap.
On the Republican side, McCain won. McCain likes to be known as a maverick but he’s succeeded in making nice to the party that blackballed him eight years ago just fine. He sided with Bush on the war. He sided with Bush on the "surge". He sided with Bush on the flushing of the Constitution. He almost spoke out against torture but then made nice because he wanted to get Shrub’s job. McCain is a maverick like I’m an NBA star. He wants to keep funding an unwinnable war on the back of our grand-children. No, thank you. After him comes Romney, “Mittens” as Rachel Maddow calls him. (And, by the way, I just love Rachel. She is terrific, fantastic – she’s smart and funny on toast.) Mittens will change any view to get another vote, even if it costs him two more, because he has the money to spread any lie about the other guy he needs to win. He is not what you would call “Mister Dignity”. That brings us to Huckleberry, the guy who isn’t shy about turning our government from a messy democracy into a neat and tidy theocracy. Finally, the only person to pull double digits in Florida was Guliani. Here’s a guy who thinks that losing every primary on the way to Florida will help him win Florida. Here’s a shock: he lost Florida, too! Rumor has it he’s dropping out of the race. Thank god! When your only winning attribute is having your city attacked, odds are you’re not the Captain of Security you think you are, okay?
Now, the Dems. I don’t know where to start. So, ladies first. I read today that Edwards was dropping out of the race – What? There are no ladies! – and I have to say that it’s a shame. It’s also understandable. The fact is that Edwards is a perfectly viable candidate. He’d make a good president, far superior to that empty suit who currently inhabits the Oval Office. The problem is all about timing. Edwards is a good man but the thing is his timing stinks. He just happened to run in a year when he’s up against Barack Obama. More on that in a minute. As for Clinton, I am ashamed. Last night any support I had for her went away when she admitted to cheating. She said that she would make sure the Florida delegates were seated at the convention, when the primary rules state that they are not to be. (If you don’t understand why, you must read up!) Clinton wants to change the rules to work in her favor, which we all know from Kobayashi Maru is cheating. Our President should be an honorable person, a person who stands by what is right when the chips are down, rather than trying to change the facts to match a preconceived plan…. which sounds a lot like Shrub…
And that leaves Barack Obama. I wish Edwards wasn’t dropping out of the race because he’s a very good man but I can tolerate it because it leaves Barack Obama. If I were to vote for a Democrat – keeping in mind only two remain – it would be Barack. Simply put, we need him. We haven’t seen his like in my lifetime. If he can keep from getting shot, he’ll probably make a great president. Sadly, that’s not a joke. We live in a country filled with hateful people. I might not vote for Barack – I’m not a Dem, after all – but I hope he does win. (Greens aren’t known for voting for winners. They vote their conscience.)
And so, we’re through two days of rough, political events. Next week comes Super Tuesday… this is like the halfway mark in the political season. It probably won’t decide the candidate but it is bound to illuminate things quite a bit.
I can’t wait!
Monday, January 28, 2008
In case you missed Mr. Obama's speech on Saturday...
Without too much as prelude, let me just say that Barack Obama is giving me some hope in an otherwise depressing election cycle. What follows is a transcript of his speech given Saturday, January 26, 2008.
Over two weeks ago, we saw the people of Iowa proclaim that our time for change has come. But there were those who doubted this country’s desire for something new – who said Iowa was a fluke not to be repeated again.
Well, tonight, the cynics who believed that what began in the snows of Iowa was just an illusion were told a different story by the good people of South Carolina.
After four great contests in every corner of this country, we have the most votes, the most delegates, and the most diverse coalition of Americans we’ve seen in a long, long time.
They are young and old; rich and poor. They are black and white; Latino and Asian. They are Democrats from Des Moines and Independents from Concord; Republicans from rural Nevada and young people across this country who’ve never had a reason to participate until now. And in nine days, nearly half the nation will have the chance to join us in saying that we are tired of business-as-usual in Washington, we are hungry for change, and we are ready to believe again.
But if there’s anything we’ve been reminded of since Iowa, it’s that the kind of change we seek will not come easy. Partly because we have fine candidates in the field – fierce competitors, worthy of respect. And as contentious as this campaign may get, we have to remember that this is a contest for the Democratic nomination, and that all of us share an abiding desire to end the disastrous policies of the current administration.
But there are real differences between the candidates. We are looking for more than just a change of party in the White House. We’re looking to fundamentally change the status quo in Washington – a status quo that extends beyond any particular party. And right now, that status quo is fighting back with everything it’s got; with the same old tactics that divide and distract us from solving the problems people face, whether those problems are health care they can’t afford or a mortgage they cannot pay.
So this will not be easy. Make no mistake about what we’re up against.
We are up against the belief that it’s ok for lobbyists to dominate our government – that they are just part of the system in Washington. But we know that the undue influence of lobbyists is part of the problem, and this election is our chance to say that we’re not going to let them stand in our way anymore.
We are up against the conventional thinking that says your ability to lead as President comes from longevity in Washington or proximity to the White House. But we know that real leadership is about candor, and judgment, and the ability to rally Americans from all walks of life around a common purpose – a higher purpose.
We are up against decades of bitter partisanship that cause politicians to demonize their opponents instead of coming together to make college affordable or energy cleaner; it’s the kind of partisanship where you’re not even allowed to say that a Republican had an idea – even if it’s one you never agreed with. That kind of politics is bad for our party, it’s bad for our country, and this is our chance to end it once and for all.
We are up against the idea that it’s acceptable to say anything and do anything to win an election. We know that this is exactly what’s wrong with our politics; this is why people don’t believe what their leaders say anymore; this is why they tune out. And this election is our chance to give the American people a reason to believe again.
And what we’ve seen in these last weeks is that we’re also up against forces that are not the fault of any one campaign, but feed the habits that prevent us from being who we want to be as a nation. It’s the politics that uses religion as a wedge, and patriotism as a bludgeon. A politics that tells us that we have to think, act, and even vote within the confines of the categories that supposedly define us. The assumption that young people are apathetic. The assumption that Republicans won’t cross over. The assumption that the wealthy care nothing for the poor, and that the poor don’t vote. The assumption that African-Americans can’t support the white candidate; whites can’t support the African-American candidate; blacks and Latinos can’t come together.
But we are here tonight to say that this is not the America we believe in. I did not travel around this state over the last year and see a white South Carolina or a black South Carolina. I saw South Carolina. I saw crumbling schools that are stealing the future of black children and white children. I saw shuttered mills and homes for sale that once belonged to Americans from all walks of life, and men and women of every color and creed who serve together, and fight together, and bleed together under the same proud flag. I saw what America is, and I believe in what this country can be.
That is the country I see. That is the country you see. But now it is up to us to help the entire nation embrace this vision. Because in the end, we are not just up against the ingrained and destructive habits of Washington, we are also struggling against our own doubts, our own fears, and our own cynicism. The change we seek has always required great struggle and sacrifice. And so this is a battle in our own hearts and minds about what kind of country we want and how hard we’re willing to work for it.
So let me remind you tonight that change will not be easy. That change will take time. There will be setbacks, and false starts, and sometimes we will make mistakes. But as hard as it may seem, we cannot lose hope. Because there are people all across this country who are counting us; who can’t afford another four years without health care or good schools or decent wages because our leaders couldn’t come together and get it done.
Theirs are the stories and voices we carry on from South Carolina.
The mother who can’t get Medicaid to cover all the needs of her sick child – she needs us to pass a health care plan that cuts costs and makes health care available and affordable for every single American.
The teacher who works another shift at Dunkin Donuts after school just to make ends meet – she needs us to reform our education system so that she gets better pay, and more support, and her students get the resources they need to achieve their dreams.
The Maytag worker who is now competing with his own teenager for a $7-an-hour job at Wal-Mart because the factory he gave his life to shut its doors – he needs us to stop giving tax breaks to companies that ship our jobs overseas and start putting them in the pockets of working Americans who deserve it. And struggling homeowners. And seniors who should retire with dignity and respect.
The woman who told me that she hasn’t been able to breathe since the day her nephew left for Iraq, or the soldier who doesn’t know his child because he’s on his third or fourth tour of duty – they need us to come together and put an end to a war that should’ve never been authorized and never been waged.
The choice in this election is not between regions or religions or genders. It’s not about rich versus poor; young versus old; and it is not about black versus white.
It’s about the past versus the future.
It’s about whether we settle for the same divisions and distractions and drama that passes for politics today, or whether we reach for a politics of common sense, and innovation – a shared sacrifice and shared prosperity.
There are those who will continue to tell us we cannot do this. That we cannot have what we long for. That we are peddling false hopes.
But here’s what I know. I know that when people say we can’t overcome all the big money and influence in Washington, I think of the elderly woman who sent me a contribution the other day – an envelope that had a money order for $3.01 along with a verse of scripture tucked inside. So don’t tell us change isn’t possible.
When I hear the cynical talk that blacks and whites and Latinos can’t join together and work together, I’m reminded of the Latino brothers and sisters I organized with, and stood with, and fought with side by side for jobs and justice on the streets of Chicago. So don’t tell us change can’t happen.
When I hear that we’ll never overcome the racial divide in our politics, I think about that Republican woman who used to work for Strom Thurmond, who’s now devoted to educating inner-city children and who went out onto the streets of South Carolina and knocked on doors for this campaign. Don’t tell me we can’t change.
Yes we can change.
Yes we can heal this nation.
Yes we can seize our future.
And as we leave this state with a new wind at our backs, and take this journey across the country we love with the message we’ve carried from the plains of Iowa to the hills of New Hampshire; from the Nevada desert to the South Carolina coast; the same message we had when we were up and when we were down – that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope; and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people in three simple words:
Yes. We. Can.
Over two weeks ago, we saw the people of Iowa proclaim that our time for change has come. But there were those who doubted this country’s desire for something new – who said Iowa was a fluke not to be repeated again.
Well, tonight, the cynics who believed that what began in the snows of Iowa was just an illusion were told a different story by the good people of South Carolina.
After four great contests in every corner of this country, we have the most votes, the most delegates, and the most diverse coalition of Americans we’ve seen in a long, long time.
They are young and old; rich and poor. They are black and white; Latino and Asian. They are Democrats from Des Moines and Independents from Concord; Republicans from rural Nevada and young people across this country who’ve never had a reason to participate until now. And in nine days, nearly half the nation will have the chance to join us in saying that we are tired of business-as-usual in Washington, we are hungry for change, and we are ready to believe again.
But if there’s anything we’ve been reminded of since Iowa, it’s that the kind of change we seek will not come easy. Partly because we have fine candidates in the field – fierce competitors, worthy of respect. And as contentious as this campaign may get, we have to remember that this is a contest for the Democratic nomination, and that all of us share an abiding desire to end the disastrous policies of the current administration.
But there are real differences between the candidates. We are looking for more than just a change of party in the White House. We’re looking to fundamentally change the status quo in Washington – a status quo that extends beyond any particular party. And right now, that status quo is fighting back with everything it’s got; with the same old tactics that divide and distract us from solving the problems people face, whether those problems are health care they can’t afford or a mortgage they cannot pay.
So this will not be easy. Make no mistake about what we’re up against.
We are up against the belief that it’s ok for lobbyists to dominate our government – that they are just part of the system in Washington. But we know that the undue influence of lobbyists is part of the problem, and this election is our chance to say that we’re not going to let them stand in our way anymore.
We are up against the conventional thinking that says your ability to lead as President comes from longevity in Washington or proximity to the White House. But we know that real leadership is about candor, and judgment, and the ability to rally Americans from all walks of life around a common purpose – a higher purpose.
We are up against decades of bitter partisanship that cause politicians to demonize their opponents instead of coming together to make college affordable or energy cleaner; it’s the kind of partisanship where you’re not even allowed to say that a Republican had an idea – even if it’s one you never agreed with. That kind of politics is bad for our party, it’s bad for our country, and this is our chance to end it once and for all.
We are up against the idea that it’s acceptable to say anything and do anything to win an election. We know that this is exactly what’s wrong with our politics; this is why people don’t believe what their leaders say anymore; this is why they tune out. And this election is our chance to give the American people a reason to believe again.
And what we’ve seen in these last weeks is that we’re also up against forces that are not the fault of any one campaign, but feed the habits that prevent us from being who we want to be as a nation. It’s the politics that uses religion as a wedge, and patriotism as a bludgeon. A politics that tells us that we have to think, act, and even vote within the confines of the categories that supposedly define us. The assumption that young people are apathetic. The assumption that Republicans won’t cross over. The assumption that the wealthy care nothing for the poor, and that the poor don’t vote. The assumption that African-Americans can’t support the white candidate; whites can’t support the African-American candidate; blacks and Latinos can’t come together.
But we are here tonight to say that this is not the America we believe in. I did not travel around this state over the last year and see a white South Carolina or a black South Carolina. I saw South Carolina. I saw crumbling schools that are stealing the future of black children and white children. I saw shuttered mills and homes for sale that once belonged to Americans from all walks of life, and men and women of every color and creed who serve together, and fight together, and bleed together under the same proud flag. I saw what America is, and I believe in what this country can be.
That is the country I see. That is the country you see. But now it is up to us to help the entire nation embrace this vision. Because in the end, we are not just up against the ingrained and destructive habits of Washington, we are also struggling against our own doubts, our own fears, and our own cynicism. The change we seek has always required great struggle and sacrifice. And so this is a battle in our own hearts and minds about what kind of country we want and how hard we’re willing to work for it.
So let me remind you tonight that change will not be easy. That change will take time. There will be setbacks, and false starts, and sometimes we will make mistakes. But as hard as it may seem, we cannot lose hope. Because there are people all across this country who are counting us; who can’t afford another four years without health care or good schools or decent wages because our leaders couldn’t come together and get it done.
Theirs are the stories and voices we carry on from South Carolina.
The mother who can’t get Medicaid to cover all the needs of her sick child – she needs us to pass a health care plan that cuts costs and makes health care available and affordable for every single American.
The teacher who works another shift at Dunkin Donuts after school just to make ends meet – she needs us to reform our education system so that she gets better pay, and more support, and her students get the resources they need to achieve their dreams.
The Maytag worker who is now competing with his own teenager for a $7-an-hour job at Wal-Mart because the factory he gave his life to shut its doors – he needs us to stop giving tax breaks to companies that ship our jobs overseas and start putting them in the pockets of working Americans who deserve it. And struggling homeowners. And seniors who should retire with dignity and respect.
The woman who told me that she hasn’t been able to breathe since the day her nephew left for Iraq, or the soldier who doesn’t know his child because he’s on his third or fourth tour of duty – they need us to come together and put an end to a war that should’ve never been authorized and never been waged.
The choice in this election is not between regions or religions or genders. It’s not about rich versus poor; young versus old; and it is not about black versus white.
It’s about the past versus the future.
It’s about whether we settle for the same divisions and distractions and drama that passes for politics today, or whether we reach for a politics of common sense, and innovation – a shared sacrifice and shared prosperity.
There are those who will continue to tell us we cannot do this. That we cannot have what we long for. That we are peddling false hopes.
But here’s what I know. I know that when people say we can’t overcome all the big money and influence in Washington, I think of the elderly woman who sent me a contribution the other day – an envelope that had a money order for $3.01 along with a verse of scripture tucked inside. So don’t tell us change isn’t possible.
When I hear the cynical talk that blacks and whites and Latinos can’t join together and work together, I’m reminded of the Latino brothers and sisters I organized with, and stood with, and fought with side by side for jobs and justice on the streets of Chicago. So don’t tell us change can’t happen.
When I hear that we’ll never overcome the racial divide in our politics, I think about that Republican woman who used to work for Strom Thurmond, who’s now devoted to educating inner-city children and who went out onto the streets of South Carolina and knocked on doors for this campaign. Don’t tell me we can’t change.
Yes we can change.
Yes we can heal this nation.
Yes we can seize our future.
And as we leave this state with a new wind at our backs, and take this journey across the country we love with the message we’ve carried from the plains of Iowa to the hills of New Hampshire; from the Nevada desert to the South Carolina coast; the same message we had when we were up and when we were down – that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope; and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people in three simple words:
Yes. We. Can.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Am I sick or is this funny?...
So, a teenager was arrested for plotting to highjack a commercial airliner and crash it into a Hannah Montana concert.
And I think this is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time.
Am I wrong? Or am I just plain wrong?
And I think this is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time.
Am I wrong? Or am I just plain wrong?
Thursday, January 24, 2008
State of the Union… the drinking game…
Last year, Vicky and I had a great time watching Shrub give the State of the Union Address…
Wait. Don’t get me wrong here. We hate Shrub – can’t stand the man and his evil brand of hate mongering. No, it wasn’t him we enjoyed watching.
We enjoyed drinking. It dulls the pain of living under a Bush Regime. We can’t wait for 2009, for someone to trim that Bush! Hell, lazer that shit(head) off!
For those of you who are looking to join us this year, here’s what you do. It’s very easy. Whenever Shrub says any of the following words, take a drink. We’ll shorten the list this year because last year, to be honest, we got pretty hammered... and we'll probably be drinkin tequila this time... so... here's the list:
Terrorist
Terrorism
Extremism
Iraq
Iran
September 11
Freedom
Liberty
Surge
Enjoy!
Wait. Don’t get me wrong here. We hate Shrub – can’t stand the man and his evil brand of hate mongering. No, it wasn’t him we enjoyed watching.
We enjoyed drinking. It dulls the pain of living under a Bush Regime. We can’t wait for 2009, for someone to trim that Bush! Hell, lazer that shit(head) off!
For those of you who are looking to join us this year, here’s what you do. It’s very easy. Whenever Shrub says any of the following words, take a drink. We’ll shorten the list this year because last year, to be honest, we got pretty hammered... and we'll probably be drinkin tequila this time... so... here's the list:
Terrorist
Terrorism
Extremism
Iraq
Iran
September 11
Freedom
Liberty
Surge
Enjoy!
About these tax rebates...
Are you buying this?
Last time Shrub gave rebates, we had a surplus to help keep the government running. Now, the Repugnicons have said from the beginning of the century that their plan was to starve the government so it could no longer afford to provide essential services such as welfare and social security - you know, the things they hate.
Now that the economy is tanking, they and the Dumbocrats(TM) decided it was a great time to give away more money they don't have.
Seriously. Do you think we'll never have to pay for the war? It's costing us over $340 million a day now. Do you really think spending $300 extra bucks will help things?
Last time Shrub gave rebates, we had a surplus to help keep the government running. Now, the Repugnicons have said from the beginning of the century that their plan was to starve the government so it could no longer afford to provide essential services such as welfare and social security - you know, the things they hate.
Now that the economy is tanking, they and the Dumbocrats(TM) decided it was a great time to give away more money they don't have.
Seriously. Do you think we'll never have to pay for the war? It's costing us over $340 million a day now. Do you really think spending $300 extra bucks will help things?
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Bush lies? No, he makes “false statements”…
We’ve known about this for years: Bush lied/people died. Granted, we’re not going to do a damn thing about it, but there it is.
A new article on Yahoo shows that Shrub’s administration lied on 935 different occasions. Oh, wait. No. He didn’t “lie”. He “made false statements”. Because, you know, we wouldn’t want to attribute any actual blame for these “false statements”. No, they happened completely in a vacuum.
Fine. Whatever. Now that we know it was all bullshit, who is going to get us the hell out of Iraq?
... and in case you still don't believe it or know someone who still does not believe it - basically, for those of you who have been living beneath a rock - take a look at this.
A new article on Yahoo shows that Shrub’s administration lied on 935 different occasions. Oh, wait. No. He didn’t “lie”. He “made false statements”. Because, you know, we wouldn’t want to attribute any actual blame for these “false statements”. No, they happened completely in a vacuum.
Fine. Whatever. Now that we know it was all bullshit, who is going to get us the hell out of Iraq?
... and in case you still don't believe it or know someone who still does not believe it - basically, for those of you who have been living beneath a rock - take a look at this.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
An Apology to the Military… no, seriously…
Back in high school, I was made an official member of a Conscientious Objector group in Orange County as a result of some columns I wrote in the school paper. So, it’s clear that I’ve kept a clear distance from the military for quite some time.
For the purposes of this blog, however, let me make something clear. I hate the military. I don’t hate military personnel – we’ll get to that – but I do hate the military. In the US, it’s overblown, overemphasized, and overdone. We now make war on a whim and finance it on the backs of our great-grandchildren. For those defenders who would say they do some good, I’m looking at New Orleans and thinking “Not so much.” So, as an organization that is trained to kill human beings, I hate the military. As for military personnel, I do not hate them but I wouldn’t want to spend my free time with them. These are people who felt that the best they could do with their lives is to be trained to kill human beings – not my group. Are they beyond redemption? Probably not. Should they be given the chance? You bet. But when it comes to the military, I don’t want anything to do with them.
Does this include the National Guard? Probably not. After all, there is a chance some join to help others… with the whole killing thing as just a side benefit…
You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you all of this up front, aren’t you? Well, the reason is because, starting today, I am now managing a department that markets directly to the military. Yep. Go ahead. Say it. I deserve it. Without going into details, I am managing the marketing of programs and products to military spouses. These are people who marry those who feel that the best they can do with their lives is to be trained to kill human beings. Now, I know that you can’t choose who you fall in love with but I am also willing to guess that I probably wouldn’t get along on a personal level. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I’m better than them… oh, wait…. Actually, yes. I am saying I’m better than them. Sorry, but I think that the path I’ve chosen – to not kill or be with a killer – is preferable.
Which, again, makes me as a result of the job I now have, something of a two-faced asshole son of a bitch… etc. etc. etc.
Granted, I did not choose this role. In fact, I’ve fought it tooth and nail. Here’s the problem, though: I’m good at what I do.
I’m not going to be the only hypocrite in the lot, most likely. Marketing to the military has become big business, megabig! Everyone’s on the band wagon. I’m not saying that to excuse what I’m doing. I’m saying that because I think it’s important that you know something: We have a segment of our economy that is devoted solely to the business of killing and profiting from killing. That us, the good old USofA.
And quite frankly, it makes me sick.
And I’m beginning to miss Linksys…
For the purposes of this blog, however, let me make something clear. I hate the military. I don’t hate military personnel – we’ll get to that – but I do hate the military. In the US, it’s overblown, overemphasized, and overdone. We now make war on a whim and finance it on the backs of our great-grandchildren. For those defenders who would say they do some good, I’m looking at New Orleans and thinking “Not so much.” So, as an organization that is trained to kill human beings, I hate the military. As for military personnel, I do not hate them but I wouldn’t want to spend my free time with them. These are people who felt that the best they could do with their lives is to be trained to kill human beings – not my group. Are they beyond redemption? Probably not. Should they be given the chance? You bet. But when it comes to the military, I don’t want anything to do with them.
Does this include the National Guard? Probably not. After all, there is a chance some join to help others… with the whole killing thing as just a side benefit…
You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you all of this up front, aren’t you? Well, the reason is because, starting today, I am now managing a department that markets directly to the military. Yep. Go ahead. Say it. I deserve it. Without going into details, I am managing the marketing of programs and products to military spouses. These are people who marry those who feel that the best they can do with their lives is to be trained to kill human beings. Now, I know that you can’t choose who you fall in love with but I am also willing to guess that I probably wouldn’t get along on a personal level. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I’m better than them… oh, wait…. Actually, yes. I am saying I’m better than them. Sorry, but I think that the path I’ve chosen – to not kill or be with a killer – is preferable.
Which, again, makes me as a result of the job I now have, something of a two-faced asshole son of a bitch… etc. etc. etc.
Granted, I did not choose this role. In fact, I’ve fought it tooth and nail. Here’s the problem, though: I’m good at what I do.
I’m not going to be the only hypocrite in the lot, most likely. Marketing to the military has become big business, megabig! Everyone’s on the band wagon. I’m not saying that to excuse what I’m doing. I’m saying that because I think it’s important that you know something: We have a segment of our economy that is devoted solely to the business of killing and profiting from killing. That us, the good old USofA.
And quite frankly, it makes me sick.
And I’m beginning to miss Linksys…
Monday, January 21, 2008
Note to Jesus, Thor, and Buddha – you’re not so special…
This applies to everyone who claims virgin birth. The message: Big whoop!
Now that we can create clones out of skin cells, the allure of the virgin birth has been broken.
This isn’t science fiction. Mary’s immaculate conception can be duplicated in a lab now, using skin cells. Not so much of a miracle anymore!
I just love things that make religious fundamentalists squirm… like science… they hate science...
Now that we can create clones out of skin cells, the allure of the virgin birth has been broken.
This isn’t science fiction. Mary’s immaculate conception can be duplicated in a lab now, using skin cells. Not so much of a miracle anymore!
I just love things that make religious fundamentalists squirm… like science… they hate science...
Friday, January 18, 2008
Finally get to watch West Wing…
Dear Writer’s Guild,
Thanks for the strike. Seriously. Thank you.
I’m not saying this because I’m a scab. No, I support you guys 100% and believe in what you’re doing. (But you might want to remember all this support once the strike is over. I’m a playwright, you know; I could help you with those scripts and you’ll have a lot of catching up to do when the time comes.)(Oh, and to all you production companies, just because I’m not willing to be a scab doesn’t mean a guy doesn’t like to be asked… I’m just saying…)
I just want to thank you because this complete lack of new televisionage, er televisionation, um televisionoodle – with no new shows (and, no, Cashmere Mafia is not a new show – it’s Sex & the City by way of Disney) I have finally convinced Vicky to watch The West Wing. For years, I’ve been trying but, every time I ask she gives me this look. It says, “I’m going to have think, won’t I?” And it’s really hard to say, “Not a lot.”
This is all Vicky’s fault, by the way. Completely.
Say what you want about Rosa but she kept expectations low. Nobody ever expected her to be able to think so, when she did, we were all pleasantly surprised. She had the good sense to put the purses and shoes and credit cards all up front where people could see them and go “Ooooh… so you married that….” Vicky, on the other hand, kept the purses and shoes (and, in her case, Nascar and Tim McGraw) far in the back. When we first started dating, she put her best foot forward, with the other foot holding the closet shut where all her secrets hid. I was completely bamboozled. She even had out a copy of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Now, listen, this was the book that changed my life; I was blown away. She even had a BIGGER copy of the book! Same book, sure, but it was BIGGER! Vicky didn’t bother to tell me that, though she read it, she hated the book. It put her to sleep. So, when I saw that, my first thought was, “I can watch West Wing with her! We can watch documentaries!” (I also wanted to do her. What can I say? Brainiac chicks are a turn-on.)
So, Vicky got herself into this mess, which has gone on since the day after the day we met… a while now. I’ve been trying to convince her to watch West Wing and, every time, she suddenly realizes she has some important… thing to do.
But, not anymore! With nothing on TV, she’ll HAVE to watch it! I have her now! Trapped!
So, please, keep up the good work.
Yours ever enviously,
Ken
Thanks for the strike. Seriously. Thank you.
I’m not saying this because I’m a scab. No, I support you guys 100% and believe in what you’re doing. (But you might want to remember all this support once the strike is over. I’m a playwright, you know; I could help you with those scripts and you’ll have a lot of catching up to do when the time comes.)(Oh, and to all you production companies, just because I’m not willing to be a scab doesn’t mean a guy doesn’t like to be asked… I’m just saying…)
I just want to thank you because this complete lack of new televisionage, er televisionation, um televisionoodle – with no new shows (and, no, Cashmere Mafia is not a new show – it’s Sex & the City by way of Disney) I have finally convinced Vicky to watch The West Wing. For years, I’ve been trying but, every time I ask she gives me this look. It says, “I’m going to have think, won’t I?” And it’s really hard to say, “Not a lot.”
This is all Vicky’s fault, by the way. Completely.
Say what you want about Rosa but she kept expectations low. Nobody ever expected her to be able to think so, when she did, we were all pleasantly surprised. She had the good sense to put the purses and shoes and credit cards all up front where people could see them and go “Ooooh… so you married that….” Vicky, on the other hand, kept the purses and shoes (and, in her case, Nascar and Tim McGraw) far in the back. When we first started dating, she put her best foot forward, with the other foot holding the closet shut where all her secrets hid. I was completely bamboozled. She even had out a copy of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Now, listen, this was the book that changed my life; I was blown away. She even had a BIGGER copy of the book! Same book, sure, but it was BIGGER! Vicky didn’t bother to tell me that, though she read it, she hated the book. It put her to sleep. So, when I saw that, my first thought was, “I can watch West Wing with her! We can watch documentaries!” (I also wanted to do her. What can I say? Brainiac chicks are a turn-on.)
So, Vicky got herself into this mess, which has gone on since the day after the day we met… a while now. I’ve been trying to convince her to watch West Wing and, every time, she suddenly realizes she has some important… thing to do.
But, not anymore! With nothing on TV, she’ll HAVE to watch it! I have her now! Trapped!
So, please, keep up the good work.
Yours ever enviously,
Ken
Idiot boy has a brainstorm…
Now that tax-cuts for the rich and deregulation have starved the government, squeezed the poor, and make a mess of our economy (you surely don’t think the mortgage industry got into this mess because they were being too carefully regulated, do you?), Shrub has come up with a way to get us out of this mess: MORE TAX CUTS FOR THE RICH!
… can’t accuse him of being inconsistent…
… can’t accuse him of being inconsistent…
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Up is Down, Right is Wrong...
When you look to the Right Wing, to the so-called Social Conservatives, to the Neo-Con-Artists, keep in mind that they speak in Reverse Speak.
When they say that homosexuality is wrong, what they really mean is "Wanna join me in this stall?"
When they talk about the sins of adultery and lying, what they really mean is "I'm having sex with my brother's wife."
When they talk about how Democrats hate our country, what they really mean is "Hey al-Qaeda, wanna buy some secrets?"
Remember, the Right Wing is the paragon of morality... in Reverse Speak!
When they say that homosexuality is wrong, what they really mean is "Wanna join me in this stall?"
When they talk about the sins of adultery and lying, what they really mean is "I'm having sex with my brother's wife."
When they talk about how Democrats hate our country, what they really mean is "Hey al-Qaeda, wanna buy some secrets?"
Remember, the Right Wing is the paragon of morality... in Reverse Speak!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Finite resources demand finite demand… or so says logic…
Vicky and I were on the phone this morning talking about the new Chevy Tahoe hybrid, which gets 21 mpg. That’s not a typo. 21.
Now, I love Vicky to death (do us part) but her brand of logic was: People want big cars so auto makers should make big cars. People want big cars because they have large families and the only way to stop that would be to pass a law “like they have in China”. When Vicky gets like this, there’s no talking to her – or, at least, I can’t without saying something insulting. So, I got off the phone.
This really worries me.
Last night’s Democratic debate touched on this topic a bit. They even mentioned Shrub over in the mid-east begging for oil.
I look around and I see a world full of morons.
Listen. It’s very simple.
We have a finite amount of oil. I think we can all agree there’s no infinity well spewing out oil for us to use in perpetuity. So, we can agree on that at least, right?
Okay, so finite supply. This means that if we use it up it will all be gone. Following so far?
Okay. Now, cars with lower gas mileage use gas faster than cars with higher gas mileage. You understand that, right? So, by driving a car with lower gas mileage, you’re using up the oil. There will be less remaining. This also means that more people use more gas. Simple math – you can get behind that, can’t you?
Do you want to have oil for your children? Do you want them to have a world in economic turmoil and environmental catastrophe? Because this extends to other resources as well, you know: wood, metal, food – all finite resources work this way. Sure, we can grow more food and more wood but you can only grow so much.
Okay. Now, here’s the hard part. Ready? Fewer people use fewer resources. It’s just the converse of the above statement: More people use more resources. Therefore, if you have fewer people, you won’t have such a strain on resources. You can rely more on alternate energy sources because you don’t have to generate so much.
Now, to this idea that you need to pass a law “like they have in China”. Think about all the religions and ideologies that tell us that we should have lots of kids, not use birth control, and make abortions illegal. If people prevented pregnancy in the first place, we wouldn’t even need to talk about abortion. If there were fewer babies, there would be fewer people and less of a strain on limited resources. So, you eliminate those ideologies. Further, since the poor tend to have more children, you could help the poor – wait. Catch your breath. Now – help the poor. Educate them. Help them. Yes, even in Africa. Then, they would have fewer children and we would be using, yes, fewer resources. And we wouldn’t need Chevy Fucking Tahoes with 21 fucking miles per fucking hour. Get it?
No… I didn’t think so…
Now, I love Vicky to death (do us part) but her brand of logic was: People want big cars so auto makers should make big cars. People want big cars because they have large families and the only way to stop that would be to pass a law “like they have in China”. When Vicky gets like this, there’s no talking to her – or, at least, I can’t without saying something insulting. So, I got off the phone.
This really worries me.
Last night’s Democratic debate touched on this topic a bit. They even mentioned Shrub over in the mid-east begging for oil.
I look around and I see a world full of morons.
Listen. It’s very simple.
We have a finite amount of oil. I think we can all agree there’s no infinity well spewing out oil for us to use in perpetuity. So, we can agree on that at least, right?
Okay, so finite supply. This means that if we use it up it will all be gone. Following so far?
Okay. Now, cars with lower gas mileage use gas faster than cars with higher gas mileage. You understand that, right? So, by driving a car with lower gas mileage, you’re using up the oil. There will be less remaining. This also means that more people use more gas. Simple math – you can get behind that, can’t you?
Do you want to have oil for your children? Do you want them to have a world in economic turmoil and environmental catastrophe? Because this extends to other resources as well, you know: wood, metal, food – all finite resources work this way. Sure, we can grow more food and more wood but you can only grow so much.
Okay. Now, here’s the hard part. Ready? Fewer people use fewer resources. It’s just the converse of the above statement: More people use more resources. Therefore, if you have fewer people, you won’t have such a strain on resources. You can rely more on alternate energy sources because you don’t have to generate so much.
Now, to this idea that you need to pass a law “like they have in China”. Think about all the religions and ideologies that tell us that we should have lots of kids, not use birth control, and make abortions illegal. If people prevented pregnancy in the first place, we wouldn’t even need to talk about abortion. If there were fewer babies, there would be fewer people and less of a strain on limited resources. So, you eliminate those ideologies. Further, since the poor tend to have more children, you could help the poor – wait. Catch your breath. Now – help the poor. Educate them. Help them. Yes, even in Africa. Then, they would have fewer children and we would be using, yes, fewer resources. And we wouldn’t need Chevy Fucking Tahoes with 21 fucking miles per fucking hour. Get it?
No… I didn’t think so…
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Worse still if you’re under 3…
Vicky sent me an email today. It was supposed to be a joke. It read:
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways ... yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in he-ll I was going to lay a bunch of cra-p like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that...I'm over the ripe old age of thirty , I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a da--mn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
1. When I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the da--mn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
2. There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter ... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
… and it went on and on like that. No MP3s meant you had to shoplift music if you wanted to steal it. No call waiting or caller ID – No PS3 – No stadium seating – No hundreds of tv channels – No Cartoon Network – No microwave ovens (which was, of course, historically incorrect) – Heaven Forfend!!!!
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love me some irony… but something about the whole thing… it just wasn’t right. Maybe it’s because I was born prior to 1978 – you don’t want to know how prior – and, looking back, I know that things weren’t that bad. But, you know, that’s not it, either.
The fact of the matter is that anyone who says kids have it easy is just wrong. Completely wrong. I mean, just look at what they have to contend with! Prior to 1978, we didn't have AIDS. Not that I was having sex then but those who did partake could have sex without condoms. Anything they picked up could be cured with a shot or a cream – or, at least, it wouldn’t kill you! We didn't have global warming or $3.50/gallon gas. We could drive all we liked. We didn't have overfishing. We could eat all we liked. Maybe we felt guilty about tuna but we didn’t have to worry about all the toxins that now reside in fish – so many that women who are even thinking about getting pregnant need to steer clear! We didn't have to worry about Internet viruses or cell-phone cancer or death by plastic... let's face it. The under-30's don't have it that easy.
The world they are inheriting is hell in a shit storm and jokes like this minimize that. They make it okay for us to not care what happens to them, so we can leave the world just as much a mess as we like. You might be thinking that I should look into investing in a quality sense of humor but, please, don’t get me wrong. It’s not the under-30’s that I worry about so much. It’s the under-3’s and the under-2’s and those yet born.
Any child Vicky and I bring into the world will face a world far worse off than the one I came into and neither of us is absolved of guilt. None of us are. So… not funny.
To the folks in Stephenville, Texas…
Dozens of you see a UFO and nobody takes a picture? I understand that, while everyone in Southern California (including dogs and cats) might have a cell phone with a camera, you’re a farming community and all – but not one camera amongst you?
And, yet, one guy apparently sat and watched it through his gun’s telescopic lens…
I don’t know if I should laugh at your hallucinations or at your poor purchasing choices…
And, yet, one guy apparently sat and watched it through his gun’s telescopic lens…
I don’t know if I should laugh at your hallucinations or at your poor purchasing choices…
Shrub's answer...
High gas prices. Global warming. An economy in the dumper. Environmental turmoil.
Shrub's answer?
PUMP MORE OIL!
Of course. Why didn't we think of that! Here, I was thinking "alternative fuel source"... silly me!
(Remember when you folks loved this guy? Will you ever learn your lesson?)
Shrub's answer?
PUMP MORE OIL!
Of course. Why didn't we think of that! Here, I was thinking "alternative fuel source"... silly me!
(Remember when you folks loved this guy? Will you ever learn your lesson?)
Monday, January 14, 2008
Primarily Politics…
I follow presidential elections the way some people follow sports and I follow the sports the way some people follow similes. Truth be told, I don’t. And I think Vicky’s getting used to this. The other night, instead of asking me how the Giants were doing, she asked, “So, what’s the next primary we have coming up?”
For the last couple of weeks, Vicky has had to endure me watching the election results come in from Iowa and New Hampshire like I’d put down money. I hadn’t… tempting as it may be…
Why? Well, this is the future of our country we’re talking about, right? What else could be more interesting? I will admit that I’m a registered Green but, while there’s no viable Green candidate and while my request to work for the OC Greens was pretty rudely denied (I wasn’t in with the right group, it seems – which was my cue to wait things out until I found a new party or the Greens pulled their collective heads out of their collective asses), that doesn’t make the positions of Kucinich, Edwards, Obama, or Clinton less important to know.
(You want to know the Republican positions? McCain: The surge is working and we’ll only be in Iraq between 50 and 100 years. Giuliani: My city was attacked, which somehow makes me cool. Romney: You don’t have to be religious to like me, but it helps. Huckabee: Don’t tell anyone but I’m really progressive. So, who needs civil liberties? Thompson: Horizontal.)
At this point, my favorite candidates or Kucinich and Edwards, in that order, but I’m not naïve enough to actually believe they have a chance. That leaves Obama and Clinton, which puts everyone in the unenviable position of being either racist or sexist if you listen to the campaigns. By my way of thinking, the two sides making the same accusation of “____ist”, are mutually exclusive. When it comes down to it, though, Clinton’s accusation that Obama lacks experience is correct. At the same time, though, Clinton has too much baggage and, to my eye, is too conservative to be a good candidate. (Remember, she did vote for the Leiberman act that charged Iran’s military with terrorism, just the first step down a slippery toilet.)
I think Obama would make the best candidate exactly because of Clinton’s accusation. Look at Shrub. The first thing he did, a man with more political experience in abject failure than just about anyone, was bring in a lot of the old Republican guard from his dad’s day. Lots of experience put us where we are today. Experience in fucking things up isn’t exactly a good thing. Obama’s lack of experience would go a long way towards offsetting the last eight years, which has been an ugly experience.
Is he the best possible candidate? Probably not. But he’s far better than the alternatives.
Anyway, I started this by mentioning the primaries. Every time Vicky asks me when a primary is coming up, I wish there was some resource I could look at: a political calendar, say. Well, guess what: there is!
According to this, we have Michigan coming up tomorrow. The Republican South Carolina primary is on Saturday (the same day as Nevada’s caucus), with the Dems shot in SC coming the Saturday after. Then, Florida (with Giuliani finally supposed to enter the race – what a genius!) falls the Tuesday after that. Sadly, the primary after that could determine the whole thing. That one will determine delegates from Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Illinois, and on and on. A sweep on February 5th could call the whole thing and leave out most of the other states. I think we should call that calendar broke and ask someone to fix it.
So, on to Michigan. I’ll be watching the whole thing as I cook dinner. (I’m making us some pasta w/meat sauce. Yum.) This thing counts more for the Repugs than the Dems, as they will determine 30 delegates. The winning Democrat walks away with zero delegates, thanks to Michigan illegally moving the primary date. But the winner will also gain notoriety and momentum towards the following week. Doesn’t matter. I’ll still be glued in, watching the plays and the scores and all the action.
For the last couple of weeks, Vicky has had to endure me watching the election results come in from Iowa and New Hampshire like I’d put down money. I hadn’t… tempting as it may be…
Why? Well, this is the future of our country we’re talking about, right? What else could be more interesting? I will admit that I’m a registered Green but, while there’s no viable Green candidate and while my request to work for the OC Greens was pretty rudely denied (I wasn’t in with the right group, it seems – which was my cue to wait things out until I found a new party or the Greens pulled their collective heads out of their collective asses), that doesn’t make the positions of Kucinich, Edwards, Obama, or Clinton less important to know.
(You want to know the Republican positions? McCain: The surge is working and we’ll only be in Iraq between 50 and 100 years. Giuliani: My city was attacked, which somehow makes me cool. Romney: You don’t have to be religious to like me, but it helps. Huckabee: Don’t tell anyone but I’m really progressive. So, who needs civil liberties? Thompson: Horizontal.)
At this point, my favorite candidates or Kucinich and Edwards, in that order, but I’m not naïve enough to actually believe they have a chance. That leaves Obama and Clinton, which puts everyone in the unenviable position of being either racist or sexist if you listen to the campaigns. By my way of thinking, the two sides making the same accusation of “____ist”, are mutually exclusive. When it comes down to it, though, Clinton’s accusation that Obama lacks experience is correct. At the same time, though, Clinton has too much baggage and, to my eye, is too conservative to be a good candidate. (Remember, she did vote for the Leiberman act that charged Iran’s military with terrorism, just the first step down a slippery toilet.)
I think Obama would make the best candidate exactly because of Clinton’s accusation. Look at Shrub. The first thing he did, a man with more political experience in abject failure than just about anyone, was bring in a lot of the old Republican guard from his dad’s day. Lots of experience put us where we are today. Experience in fucking things up isn’t exactly a good thing. Obama’s lack of experience would go a long way towards offsetting the last eight years, which has been an ugly experience.
Is he the best possible candidate? Probably not. But he’s far better than the alternatives.
Anyway, I started this by mentioning the primaries. Every time Vicky asks me when a primary is coming up, I wish there was some resource I could look at: a political calendar, say. Well, guess what: there is!
According to this, we have Michigan coming up tomorrow. The Republican South Carolina primary is on Saturday (the same day as Nevada’s caucus), with the Dems shot in SC coming the Saturday after. Then, Florida (with Giuliani finally supposed to enter the race – what a genius!) falls the Tuesday after that. Sadly, the primary after that could determine the whole thing. That one will determine delegates from Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Illinois, and on and on. A sweep on February 5th could call the whole thing and leave out most of the other states. I think we should call that calendar broke and ask someone to fix it.
So, on to Michigan. I’ll be watching the whole thing as I cook dinner. (I’m making us some pasta w/meat sauce. Yum.) This thing counts more for the Repugs than the Dems, as they will determine 30 delegates. The winning Democrat walks away with zero delegates, thanks to Michigan illegally moving the primary date. But the winner will also gain notoriety and momentum towards the following week. Doesn’t matter. I’ll still be glued in, watching the plays and the scores and all the action.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Bush says we should’a killed the Jews!…
Shrub, has only been allowed to give the answers:
- Cut taxes!
- I wasn’t there.
- It’s hard work.
- Bomb them!
Today, he decided to select this final choice when meeting in Isreal.
When the subject of Auschwitz came up, he gave his best guess at a solution: “We should’a bombed them!”
(I know it's shooting fish in a barrel but sometimes you have to kill the fish.)
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Viva! We're Horny!...
(You took a minute and asked yourself, “Do I really want to read this?” Didn't you? Yeah, I understand.)
Have you seen the new Viagra commercial? Bunch of guys sitting around inside an abandoned building singing about how horny they are to each other to the tune of “Viva! Las Vegas!”? Doesn’t that commercial give you the creeps?
I mean, seriously, what’s the story here? At some point, they all had to get together for one reason or another. Let’s say, just for the sake of argument, that they’re all in a band – in fact, let’s say they are a band. “Vas Deferens and his seven testes.” These guys really rocked back in the day – they were a hard act to follow – they stood proud and erect – they could all get it up, is the general point here.
Now, old men, all they can do is sit limply and strum flaccidly or stroke unresponsive keys.
Okay, I think the point is made.
But when did they decide, “Let’s sing about our inability to get a hard on!” At what point did this become an option?
“Wanna play Layla?”
“How about Paradise City?”
“I know what we should do! Let’s all sing together about our inability to get a hard on!”
What the fuck?
Now, I’d be lying to you if I said that was it. No, it gets worse!
After singing several refrains about their inability to please a woman, their pathetic manhoods, that bundle of skin that hangs from their lower abdomen with all the necessity of an exterior appendix, all the guys suddenly bolt out of the building. They run into the vehicles and drive off in a panic. It’s as if somewhere in the song an epiphany like a white hot shaft (forgive me) of light has struck them each in the forehead, saying, “They make a pill now that will make you hard. As long as you can remain in denial about it, you can pretend you’re still of some use when it comes to sex and it’s not all thanks to the pill. Because hard on pills are what this world needs – far more than, say, a solution to global warming or, perish the thought, actual fucking human intelligence – and now, you pathetic hick, now you can both beat your woman and rape her!”
And they drive off like a – well, like a man to Viagra.
And my hope for humanity threw up a little bit…
Have you seen the new Viagra commercial? Bunch of guys sitting around inside an abandoned building singing about how horny they are to each other to the tune of “Viva! Las Vegas!”? Doesn’t that commercial give you the creeps?
I mean, seriously, what’s the story here? At some point, they all had to get together for one reason or another. Let’s say, just for the sake of argument, that they’re all in a band – in fact, let’s say they are a band. “Vas Deferens and his seven testes.” These guys really rocked back in the day – they were a hard act to follow – they stood proud and erect – they could all get it up, is the general point here.
Now, old men, all they can do is sit limply and strum flaccidly or stroke unresponsive keys.
Okay, I think the point is made.
But when did they decide, “Let’s sing about our inability to get a hard on!” At what point did this become an option?
“Wanna play Layla?”
“How about Paradise City?”
“I know what we should do! Let’s all sing together about our inability to get a hard on!”
What the fuck?
Now, I’d be lying to you if I said that was it. No, it gets worse!
After singing several refrains about their inability to please a woman, their pathetic manhoods, that bundle of skin that hangs from their lower abdomen with all the necessity of an exterior appendix, all the guys suddenly bolt out of the building. They run into the vehicles and drive off in a panic. It’s as if somewhere in the song an epiphany like a white hot shaft (forgive me) of light has struck them each in the forehead, saying, “They make a pill now that will make you hard. As long as you can remain in denial about it, you can pretend you’re still of some use when it comes to sex and it’s not all thanks to the pill. Because hard on pills are what this world needs – far more than, say, a solution to global warming or, perish the thought, actual fucking human intelligence – and now, you pathetic hick, now you can both beat your woman and rape her!”
And they drive off like a – well, like a man to Viagra.
And my hope for humanity threw up a little bit…
This is what happens when I'm up too fucking late...
... and I'm just too tired to write. I post music videos from albums out years ago! But, fuck it, I'm a Jason Lytle fan and I'm looking forward to whatever new shit he comes out with... he said, ending a sentence with a preposition... dammit...
Saturday, January 05, 2008
A little evening music...
I found C11's first disk about a decade about in a Tower Records (RIP) in Long Beach. This is their latest...
Friday, January 04, 2008
Step into a glass booth...
Is mama for Obama?
Is someone furry for Huckleburry?
Are you right in every way but your candidate is Mr. Unelectabl - er - Kucinich? I know I am.
Try out Glass Booth and find out which way you swing!
Is someone furry for Huckleburry?
Are you right in every way but your candidate is Mr. Unelectabl - er - Kucinich? I know I am.
Try out Glass Booth and find out which way you swing!
Thursday, January 03, 2008
DOJ torture investigation…
No, this isn’t about the investigation into torture on the part of the DOJ. This is about the DOJ’s torture of the word “investigation”.
Mucus-ey didn’t appoint an independent prosecutor. No… that would be the right thing to do. Apparently, he thought something far worse than Watergate – multiple violations of the Constitution by people within the White House, some referred to as “President” – did not warrant the treatment given Watergate. Instead, he ordered an inside guy, someone he could keep in line in case actual facts came to light.
Because they are not investigating torture, after all. They are investigating the destruction of evidence.
Remember when Libby was found guilty for obstruction of justice and they ignored that whole “Treason” thing. Yeah, same rules apply.
Remember that at a primary near you.
Mucus-ey didn’t appoint an independent prosecutor. No… that would be the right thing to do. Apparently, he thought something far worse than Watergate – multiple violations of the Constitution by people within the White House, some referred to as “President” – did not warrant the treatment given Watergate. Instead, he ordered an inside guy, someone he could keep in line in case actual facts came to light.
Because they are not investigating torture, after all. They are investigating the destruction of evidence.
Remember when Libby was found guilty for obstruction of justice and they ignored that whole “Treason” thing. Yeah, same rules apply.
Remember that at a primary near you.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
We’ll get to Heaven later…
What would the belief in Hell mean? What would the belief in a place created by an all-merciful God, where non-believers and no-good-nicks are punished for eternity, entail?
Even the worst tortures of man are temporary, while the tortures of hell are meant to last for eternity. Doesn’t this shorter period mean that, even at his worst, man is far more merciful than any God who would create Hell?
What does it say about Christians, Muslims, Jews, etc., who believe in a God far less merciful than the worst person who ever lived and who then call him “all-merciful”?
I think it says you gotta be pretty fucked up to believe it.
Even the worst tortures of man are temporary, while the tortures of hell are meant to last for eternity. Doesn’t this shorter period mean that, even at his worst, man is far more merciful than any God who would create Hell?
What does it say about Christians, Muslims, Jews, etc., who believe in a God far less merciful than the worst person who ever lived and who then call him “all-merciful”?
I think it says you gotta be pretty fucked up to believe it.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
What is it about the Rose Parade???…
Vicky’s out there watching it right now. Not me. I can’t stand it.
I am far too optimistic about the nature of the human spirit to think that those idiot comment-taters (because, what else would you call those spuds for brains?) are paid to spew insipid tripe into the first day of the year. Therefore, I am left with no other option than to think that the producers of the show are holding their families hostage and have threatened to cut off a digit every time something intelligent is said.
That makes a lot more sense to me.
I am far too optimistic about the nature of the human spirit to think that those idiot comment-taters (because, what else would you call those spuds for brains?) are paid to spew insipid tripe into the first day of the year. Therefore, I am left with no other option than to think that the producers of the show are holding their families hostage and have threatened to cut off a digit every time something intelligent is said.
That makes a lot more sense to me.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Looking at the bright side of fat…
Vicky and I were at South Coast Plaza yesterday – listen, I know, I’d normally never even go but Vicky had a gift card, so…
We made our way to Macy’s with the idea that we’d eat first and then watch Vicky go crazy with the shopping, but then we came upon the shoe department and, well, all was lost. So, I took off on my own.
Now, South Coast Plaza isn’t exactly a mall for men – well, not for men who aren’t clothes whores. (Would you believe that, until a few minutes ago, I thought the phrase was actually “clothes horse” and I thought it would be so much better if it were “clothes whore”… turns out, it is!) Normally, I’d hang out down at the book store or the electronic data of choice – DVD, CD, etc. – store. I’m a data whore. I love books and DVDs and CDs. I’m weird.
I would love to be a clothes whore. In fact, I think I’d make a great clothes whore. I was looking at these Armani suits yesterday that nearly made me… well, I liked them. The problem is, it’s tough to be a clothes whore when you’re fat. And I’m fat. I would never look as good in those clothes as, well, thin people would. So, I tend to admire all those cool clothes from far away… far, far away… from outside the store, actually.
My goal is to lose my “Vicky weight” – you know, all those pounds I’ve put on since Vicky and I were wed – and get back on stage. Once I get down in the 220 – 230 range, well, maybe then I can be a clothes whore, and I can start buying expensive suits and styles.
Oh, but wait, I had to return to Macy’s and find Vicky. Maybe one clothes whore is enough for one family…
We made our way to Macy’s with the idea that we’d eat first and then watch Vicky go crazy with the shopping, but then we came upon the shoe department and, well, all was lost. So, I took off on my own.
Now, South Coast Plaza isn’t exactly a mall for men – well, not for men who aren’t clothes whores. (Would you believe that, until a few minutes ago, I thought the phrase was actually “clothes horse” and I thought it would be so much better if it were “clothes whore”… turns out, it is!) Normally, I’d hang out down at the book store or the electronic data of choice – DVD, CD, etc. – store. I’m a data whore. I love books and DVDs and CDs. I’m weird.
I would love to be a clothes whore. In fact, I think I’d make a great clothes whore. I was looking at these Armani suits yesterday that nearly made me… well, I liked them. The problem is, it’s tough to be a clothes whore when you’re fat. And I’m fat. I would never look as good in those clothes as, well, thin people would. So, I tend to admire all those cool clothes from far away… far, far away… from outside the store, actually.
My goal is to lose my “Vicky weight” – you know, all those pounds I’ve put on since Vicky and I were wed – and get back on stage. Once I get down in the 220 – 230 range, well, maybe then I can be a clothes whore, and I can start buying expensive suits and styles.
Oh, but wait, I had to return to Macy’s and find Vicky. Maybe one clothes whore is enough for one family…
Saturday, December 29, 2007
And Santa gives toys worth $50 more this year…
According to Yahoo – you remember Yahoo? Our best source of news outside of Fox? – well, according to Yahoo’s crack team of We’ll-take-anything-and-post-it-as-a-news-story professionals, al-Qaeda is 75% gone from Iraq!
75% gone!
I’d love to know how they generated this number, because they surely didn’t just make it up!
Next thing they’ll be telling us is that Shrub has 10% more intelligence or that his humanity has increased a whopping 12%!
God is 7% more true!
Republicans are 31% less likely to be petty, hurtful, greed mongers!
And monkeys are 2% more likely to take flight from the cusp of my sphincter…
75% gone!
I’d love to know how they generated this number, because they surely didn’t just make it up!
Next thing they’ll be telling us is that Shrub has 10% more intelligence or that his humanity has increased a whopping 12%!
God is 7% more true!
Republicans are 31% less likely to be petty, hurtful, greed mongers!
And monkeys are 2% more likely to take flight from the cusp of my sphincter…
Friday, December 28, 2007
Is al-Qaeda the new Larry or Curly?...
Or Shemp?
Oftentimes, during Three Stooges shorts, Moe would do something and then blame it on one of the other guys… and then slap them in the head, of course. Nobody was ever the wiser.
Back on 9/11, very few people followed the money trail to see who would benefit most from the attack. The person who benefited most was Shrub, of course. He got his near-dictatorship (“near” so far). He got to surrender the treasury to his friends. He got to shit on the Constitution and make us all war criminals. But he said, “al- Qaeda did it!” and everyone believed him.
Yesterday, the world was plunged a little further into this mass-waterboarding with the assassination of Benazir Bhutto. General Musharraf has claimed that it’s the fault of his buddies al- Qaeda again, but who had the most to gain? Musharraf was going to lose the up-coming elections to Bhutto’s party, by all counts. He needed more chaos to keep his grip on power. And Bhutto’s family had already been wiped out by 60 or so years of tyranny, so what’s another?
What’s worse, however, is when Musharraf wants to have it both ways and has his people say that Bhutto did not die from a bullet wound or from a bomb. In an article that Yahoo, who is always good for a laugh when you look under the heading of “news”, they said she died from a bump on the head!
So… then al-Qaeda didn’t do it? She was just a clutz?
Just goes to show, as ’07 wraps up, that we will believe anything.
Oftentimes, during Three Stooges shorts, Moe would do something and then blame it on one of the other guys… and then slap them in the head, of course. Nobody was ever the wiser.
Back on 9/11, very few people followed the money trail to see who would benefit most from the attack. The person who benefited most was Shrub, of course. He got his near-dictatorship (“near” so far). He got to surrender the treasury to his friends. He got to shit on the Constitution and make us all war criminals. But he said, “al- Qaeda did it!” and everyone believed him.
Yesterday, the world was plunged a little further into this mass-waterboarding with the assassination of Benazir Bhutto. General Musharraf has claimed that it’s the fault of his buddies al- Qaeda again, but who had the most to gain? Musharraf was going to lose the up-coming elections to Bhutto’s party, by all counts. He needed more chaos to keep his grip on power. And Bhutto’s family had already been wiped out by 60 or so years of tyranny, so what’s another?
What’s worse, however, is when Musharraf wants to have it both ways and has his people say that Bhutto did not die from a bullet wound or from a bomb. In an article that Yahoo, who is always good for a laugh when you look under the heading of “news”, they said she died from a bump on the head!
So… then al-Qaeda didn’t do it? She was just a clutz?
Just goes to show, as ’07 wraps up, that we will believe anything.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
2007, a retrospective…
Long year.
Yep.
Guess we’ll be wrapping it up, huh?
Yeah, put it in the garage, next to 2006. There may be room under 2004. Just shove 2001 in the back; it didn’t turn out as cool as we’d hoped.
… where was I?
I’m going to chalk 2007 in the “Could have been worse” column. Economically, the bottom just about fell out in the US with all the foreclosures; we’ll leave that for 2008. We’ll leave the presidential election for 2008 as well, if Shrub lets us have one. The Repub-dicon nominees are a flock of people who can’t disavow all the scientific gains in the last several centuries fast enough – soon they’ll be arguing about who was the first to believe the earth was flat – while the Dems shout about the mess we’re in, while hedging over getting us out of it. There’s been only two exceptions: Kucinich and Dodd. Kucinich actually introduced impeachment papers into the House. Dodd stopped the Senate Dems from giving criminal phone companies the store after the phone companies cooperated with Shrub’s illegal wiretapping of… you. But neither Kucinich nor Dodd have a chance in hell of winning. They are not young enough, hip enough, cool enough, or unchallenging enough to be elected by a populace with an attention span that’s slipping faster than our collective IQs – wait, there goes another point. The Dems in Congress complained about Shrub’s illegal wars and continued to fund them with the verve of a closet cross-dresser at a Victoria’s Secret. Environmentally, the world came together in Bali to decide… they’ll talk about it later. Well, at least we’re consistent in our apathy. Too bad the victims of our apathy are our children – but if we really loved them we wouldn’t have global warming to worry about in the first place.
My hope for mankind was not changed in 2007. It remained in the shitter.
As for myself, 2007 was a pretty good year. I wrote three new books... and didn’t sell any… fuck. I started the year unemployed and ended it with a job I’ve learned to loathe. And Vicky and I are still together, which is a very good thing. I finished my first semester as a Junior at Cal State Fullerton and I’m still waiting for my instructor to grade my work and tell me if I passed… goddammit!
I’m 42 years old and I feel like I’ve crossed over marker in my life. I look back at all those years and I look forward to more to come. It could be many. It could be few. But one thing has grown in clarity. It may sound strange to you but the glance backwards shows me what lies on the road ahead. After over 19 years of growing up and 15 years with Rosa, four years before Vicky and more than three years with Vicky, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve lived an awfully long time. It’s hard to keep track of all those years. Some of them fall away. The older I get, the more the years will slip until it’ll be hard to keep track of any of it. Without my realizing it, my kinship has slipped from the young to the old. But that’s okay because I realize just how fortunate I’ve been. I’m not rushing to death as I once did but I’m not as afraid of it as I once was and I can live with my bride in peace and love.
I look forward to 2008 with the constant hope that things could get better. I remain optimistic… if doubtful.
Yep.
Guess we’ll be wrapping it up, huh?
Yeah, put it in the garage, next to 2006. There may be room under 2004. Just shove 2001 in the back; it didn’t turn out as cool as we’d hoped.
… where was I?
I’m going to chalk 2007 in the “Could have been worse” column. Economically, the bottom just about fell out in the US with all the foreclosures; we’ll leave that for 2008. We’ll leave the presidential election for 2008 as well, if Shrub lets us have one. The Repub-dicon nominees are a flock of people who can’t disavow all the scientific gains in the last several centuries fast enough – soon they’ll be arguing about who was the first to believe the earth was flat – while the Dems shout about the mess we’re in, while hedging over getting us out of it. There’s been only two exceptions: Kucinich and Dodd. Kucinich actually introduced impeachment papers into the House. Dodd stopped the Senate Dems from giving criminal phone companies the store after the phone companies cooperated with Shrub’s illegal wiretapping of… you. But neither Kucinich nor Dodd have a chance in hell of winning. They are not young enough, hip enough, cool enough, or unchallenging enough to be elected by a populace with an attention span that’s slipping faster than our collective IQs – wait, there goes another point. The Dems in Congress complained about Shrub’s illegal wars and continued to fund them with the verve of a closet cross-dresser at a Victoria’s Secret. Environmentally, the world came together in Bali to decide… they’ll talk about it later. Well, at least we’re consistent in our apathy. Too bad the victims of our apathy are our children – but if we really loved them we wouldn’t have global warming to worry about in the first place.
My hope for mankind was not changed in 2007. It remained in the shitter.
As for myself, 2007 was a pretty good year. I wrote three new books... and didn’t sell any… fuck. I started the year unemployed and ended it with a job I’ve learned to loathe. And Vicky and I are still together, which is a very good thing. I finished my first semester as a Junior at Cal State Fullerton and I’m still waiting for my instructor to grade my work and tell me if I passed… goddammit!
I’m 42 years old and I feel like I’ve crossed over marker in my life. I look back at all those years and I look forward to more to come. It could be many. It could be few. But one thing has grown in clarity. It may sound strange to you but the glance backwards shows me what lies on the road ahead. After over 19 years of growing up and 15 years with Rosa, four years before Vicky and more than three years with Vicky, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve lived an awfully long time. It’s hard to keep track of all those years. Some of them fall away. The older I get, the more the years will slip until it’ll be hard to keep track of any of it. Without my realizing it, my kinship has slipped from the young to the old. But that’s okay because I realize just how fortunate I’ve been. I’m not rushing to death as I once did but I’m not as afraid of it as I once was and I can live with my bride in peace and love.
I look forward to 2008 with the constant hope that things could get better. I remain optimistic… if doubtful.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Just in time for Christmas...
(Everyone! Sing along!)
(To the tune of "Up on a rooftop"... as if you needed to be told...)
Up on the rooftop, reindeers paws
Nazis on dinosaurs kill the raindeer
Santa pulls out his AK-47
Sends those Nazis right to heaven
Chorus
Ho Ho Ho
Doin some blow
Ho Ho Ho
Out in the snow
Up on the rooftop
Sniff Sniff Sniff
Seein’ some shit is what you’ll git
Way up in Heaven, God laments
Look what got in through the vents
Admission standards have been slack
Send those Nazis straight down back
Repeat Chorus
Down in Hell, Satan’s confused
At what point did Nazis get dinosaurs, anyway?
He sips his eggnog and he ponders
Maybe they’re a new Christmas thing, he wonders
Repeat Chorus until infinity
(To the tune of "Up on a rooftop"... as if you needed to be told...)
Up on the rooftop, reindeers paws
Nazis on dinosaurs kill the raindeer
Santa pulls out his AK-47
Sends those Nazis right to heaven
Chorus
Ho Ho Ho
Doin some blow
Ho Ho Ho
Out in the snow
Up on the rooftop
Sniff Sniff Sniff
Seein’ some shit is what you’ll git
Way up in Heaven, God laments
Look what got in through the vents
Admission standards have been slack
Send those Nazis straight down back
Repeat Chorus
Down in Hell, Satan’s confused
At what point did Nazis get dinosaurs, anyway?
He sips his eggnog and he ponders
Maybe they’re a new Christmas thing, he wonders
Repeat Chorus until infinity
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Everything Matters…
What if you could sum up your philosophy in two words? What if you could put down what is important to you in just two, simple, common, every day terms?
How would you react?
Because that’s what I’ve done. And I’m not entirely sure I like it.
Everything matters.
Sounds like a bad play on my first (bad) play: Everything Changes. Sounds like a bad pun. Sounds like I’m going into politics.
I don’t know.
But in a world where everything gets marginalized – or, I should say, a society that does this – so we can become more and more vapid, where this is become a virtue, I am forced to admit that it cannot be said loudly enough.
Everything matters.
I don’t know if it came in a dream or out of the blue, if I saw it in a magazine or on a billboard, but there it is.
Everything matters.
Live with it. I have to. I see a book on the horizon...
How would you react?
Because that’s what I’ve done. And I’m not entirely sure I like it.
Everything matters.
Sounds like a bad play on my first (bad) play: Everything Changes. Sounds like a bad pun. Sounds like I’m going into politics.
I don’t know.
But in a world where everything gets marginalized – or, I should say, a society that does this – so we can become more and more vapid, where this is become a virtue, I am forced to admit that it cannot be said loudly enough.
Everything matters.
I don’t know if it came in a dream or out of the blue, if I saw it in a magazine or on a billboard, but there it is.
Everything matters.
Live with it. I have to. I see a book on the horizon...
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
What can I say? I was hungry...
Deck the halls with lots of donuts
Fa la la la la la la la la
Tis the season when we go nuts
Fa la la la la la la la la
Down we now a glazed and bear claw
Fa la la la la la la la la
And a cream-filled chocolate-glazed bar
Fa la la la la la la la la
Fa la la la la la la la … burp…
Fa la la la la la la la la
Tis the season when we go nuts
Fa la la la la la la la la
Down we now a glazed and bear claw
Fa la la la la la la la la
And a cream-filled chocolate-glazed bar
Fa la la la la la la la la
Fa la la la la la la la … burp…
Insert words like “are” or “do” or “should” at your peril…
Atheists should always behave ethically. Atheists need to behave ethically.
Would you like to know why?
Atheists should always behave ethically – they need to behave ethically – because, as atheists, they do not have God on their side.
Conversely, religious people do have God on their side.
With God on their side, religious people do not need to behave ethically. They can kill and maim and steal and pillage and rape, all in God’s name. It must be great to have God on your side.
They can even kill each other, for not believing in God just the right way. Christians can kill Muslims and Jews cankill Zoroastrians or whoever they want, because they have God on their side.
Boy, atheists must sure be stupid. If they had God on their side, they wouldn’t need to be ethical at all.
(What can I say? I have fun.)
Would you like to know why?
Atheists should always behave ethically – they need to behave ethically – because, as atheists, they do not have God on their side.
Conversely, religious people do have God on their side.
With God on their side, religious people do not need to behave ethically. They can kill and maim and steal and pillage and rape, all in God’s name. It must be great to have God on your side.
They can even kill each other, for not believing in God just the right way. Christians can kill Muslims and Jews cankill Zoroastrians or whoever they want, because they have God on their side.
Boy, atheists must sure be stupid. If they had God on their side, they wouldn’t need to be ethical at all.
(What can I say? I have fun.)
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Just because something is illegal doesn’t mean you can’t outlaw it…
Leave it to the idiot Democrats to pull this kind of shit.
While waterboarding is already illegal – in US Law, US Military code, the Geneva Conventions, US legal precedence – and should therefore be prosecuted, leave it to the Dems to say, “Oh, you naughty Bush, you! I don’t want to see you do that again… or I might just get mad!”
So, the motherfuckers passed legislation in the House to outlaw it… again! Instead of prosecuting a President plainly in violation of both national and international law.
They are not helping anyone.
While waterboarding is already illegal – in US Law, US Military code, the Geneva Conventions, US legal precedence – and should therefore be prosecuted, leave it to the Dems to say, “Oh, you naughty Bush, you! I don’t want to see you do that again… or I might just get mad!”
So, the motherfuckers passed legislation in the House to outlaw it… again! Instead of prosecuting a President plainly in violation of both national and international law.
They are not helping anyone.
We’re all meat…
“Eggs are meat.”
What I didn’t realize when I said that this morning, in front of a few colleagues in marketing, was how few people understood this.
“Surely, they must fall under some different category,” I was told.
“They’re dead unborn chickens,” I replied. “Chicken fetuses. What else could they be but meat?”
As odd as it seems, some people just don’t look at meat the way I do. It surprised me. I thought my perception was rather common.
But first… eggs. Wiki tells us that, “An egg is a round or oval body laid by the female of many animals, consisting of an ovum surrounded by layers of membranes and an outer casing, which acts to nourish and protect a developing embryo and its nutrient reserves. Most edible eggs, including bird eggs and turtle eggs, consist of a protective, oval eggshell, the albumen (egg white), the vitellus (egg yolk), and various thin membranes. Every part is edible, although the eggshell is generally discarded. Nutritionally, eggs are considered a good source of protein and choline.” Why are eggs a good source of protein? Because they are meat! They come from a body. They are living creatures. What the hell else could they be?
See, I look at meat as the remains of other living creatures. Chickens, cows, pigs, people, whatever… We’re killing them. We’re taking them into our bodies.
But then, someone told me, “I see us an the human kingdom and them as the animal kingdom. I don’t see any moral element to eating meat.”
No moral element? How about when the beef you’re eating is wasting most of the grain grown in the US to feed it and producing vast quantities of toxins, just so you can eat your sirloin? How about when you live in a country that can afford to eat beef while people in other countries can’t afford a glass of clean water? You bet there’s a moral element. And this moral element should be perceived with everything we do and everything we eat. If we do not look at our actions with regards to how they affect the world, how do we know if we’re living an ethical life? We don’t.
“The Buddhists have a saying,” I said and gave it to them: How much does a carrot cry? This means that every living thing has feelings and, as much as you need to eat to survive, shouldn’t you limit how much pain and suffering you cause in the world? I would add to this that the way your food is produced and shipped and packaged and prepared also has circumstances, which should also be taken into consideration.
Nobody ever said that leading an ethical life would be easy.
Which is probably why so few people are interested in living an ethical life…
What I didn’t realize when I said that this morning, in front of a few colleagues in marketing, was how few people understood this.
“Surely, they must fall under some different category,” I was told.
“They’re dead unborn chickens,” I replied. “Chicken fetuses. What else could they be but meat?”
As odd as it seems, some people just don’t look at meat the way I do. It surprised me. I thought my perception was rather common.
But first… eggs. Wiki tells us that, “An egg is a round or oval body laid by the female of many animals, consisting of an ovum surrounded by layers of membranes and an outer casing, which acts to nourish and protect a developing embryo and its nutrient reserves. Most edible eggs, including bird eggs and turtle eggs, consist of a protective, oval eggshell, the albumen (egg white), the vitellus (egg yolk), and various thin membranes. Every part is edible, although the eggshell is generally discarded. Nutritionally, eggs are considered a good source of protein and choline.” Why are eggs a good source of protein? Because they are meat! They come from a body. They are living creatures. What the hell else could they be?
See, I look at meat as the remains of other living creatures. Chickens, cows, pigs, people, whatever… We’re killing them. We’re taking them into our bodies.
But then, someone told me, “I see us an the human kingdom and them as the animal kingdom. I don’t see any moral element to eating meat.”
No moral element? How about when the beef you’re eating is wasting most of the grain grown in the US to feed it and producing vast quantities of toxins, just so you can eat your sirloin? How about when you live in a country that can afford to eat beef while people in other countries can’t afford a glass of clean water? You bet there’s a moral element. And this moral element should be perceived with everything we do and everything we eat. If we do not look at our actions with regards to how they affect the world, how do we know if we’re living an ethical life? We don’t.
“The Buddhists have a saying,” I said and gave it to them: How much does a carrot cry? This means that every living thing has feelings and, as much as you need to eat to survive, shouldn’t you limit how much pain and suffering you cause in the world? I would add to this that the way your food is produced and shipped and packaged and prepared also has circumstances, which should also be taken into consideration.
Nobody ever said that leading an ethical life would be easy.
Which is probably why so few people are interested in living an ethical life…
I believe the children are our future...
This is what I saw on my way home today: a young guy driving a huge truck alone, weaving on the freeway, smoking a cigarette he leaned his head out the window and spat a huge, brown gob that landed on his truck. And I couldn't help but think, "There we are."
Saturday, December 08, 2007
And just think what the sausages are...
This morning, Vicky and I went to breakfast.
"Aren't eggs great?" I asked, tucking into my meal. "It's like eating three, little abortions!"
Yep... Vicky loves eating with me...
"Aren't eggs great?" I asked, tucking into my meal. "It's like eating three, little abortions!"
Yep... Vicky loves eating with me...
The mysteries of death have finally been solved!...
Yes, it's time to return to Idiot Journalists and the stories they have spawned. As usual, Yahoo.
Yahoo has an article up this morning that states: The grieving that follows a loved one's death can increase your risk of death, from suicide as well as other causes, a new review shows.
And all this time I thought everyone's risk of death was, oh, about the same. Hot damn! See if you catch me grieving any more for you sorry sons of bitches! Whatever would we do without Yahoo's supreme wisdom?
... not laugh as much?...
Yahoo has an article up this morning that states: The grieving that follows a loved one's death can increase your risk of death, from suicide as well as other causes, a new review shows.
And all this time I thought everyone's risk of death was, oh, about the same. Hot damn! See if you catch me grieving any more for you sorry sons of bitches! Whatever would we do without Yahoo's supreme wisdom?
... not laugh as much?...
Friday, December 07, 2007
Stupid is the new black…
Sherri Shepherd of The View seems to think the world is flat, Jesus “came first” in history (let’s not go there), and a whole wagon full of horse manure. Shrub believes that Iran not having a nuclear policy is a threat and reason to attack. Willard “Mitt” Romney thinks that “freedom requires religion”.
The list goes on and on.
And I just have to ask, At what point did stupidity become popular? Has the backlash of youth against “poindexters” and “brainiacs” turned us into a nation of morons, or…
Wait, hold on, Fox & Friends is on…
The list goes on and on.
And I just have to ask, At what point did stupidity become popular? Has the backlash of youth against “poindexters” and “brainiacs” turned us into a nation of morons, or…
Wait, hold on, Fox & Friends is on…
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Don’t Worry Mitt… All Religion is Crazy…
Mitt Romney made this great speech today, saying that he shouldn’t be rejected because he’s a Mormon. And, you know what, he’s right.
If a person believes they talk to fictional creatures and that an imaginary being rules their life, no matter what they call it – Mormon, Christian, whatever – they should be called looney.
Point taken!
If a person believes they talk to fictional creatures and that an imaginary being rules their life, no matter what they call it – Mormon, Christian, whatever – they should be called looney.
Point taken!
The real horror…
Horror novels make me laugh. They are programmed to make you squirm, make you flinch, make you gasp – and it is that single-mindedness that I cannot help but find funny. It’s so damned artificial!
I’ve written two horror novels. One was a sci-fi horror. The other was a zombie horror. At present, I am writing a character-based horror novel, which I’ve described as being about “the serial killer you hate to love”. (Sure, it’s about far more than that – but that would be telling!)
I’m only about 16k words into the book, which should end up being about 80k in length. It gives me the skin-crackling creeps. I take these characters and twist them and tweak them and mold them into the most horrid creatures, knowing full well that each one is a reflection of my soul.
My friend, Rob, doesn’t get the concept because it’s hard to relate to a protagonist who is a serial killer. But, that’s just it, it’s not. Serial killers are people we know. They’re the people down the street. They’re our brothers, our ministers, our bosses – they’re us.
And I’d been thinking there’s something wrong with this book for a while but it didn’t quite hit me until Rob said that. I had thought, “Wouldn’t it be interesting to take the concept and turn it on its ear, make it an absurd comedy!”
When I realized how very much we can all relate to a serial killer, I realized just what made the book so absurd. The real world is so much worse! Serial killers are nothing. Think about the people we’re killing with our waste, the planet we’re destroying, the disease we find residing right there in our own hearts! Serial killers? They’re pansies compared to the shit we do.
… so… I guess I have my next book, huh?
I’ve written two horror novels. One was a sci-fi horror. The other was a zombie horror. At present, I am writing a character-based horror novel, which I’ve described as being about “the serial killer you hate to love”. (Sure, it’s about far more than that – but that would be telling!)
I’m only about 16k words into the book, which should end up being about 80k in length. It gives me the skin-crackling creeps. I take these characters and twist them and tweak them and mold them into the most horrid creatures, knowing full well that each one is a reflection of my soul.
My friend, Rob, doesn’t get the concept because it’s hard to relate to a protagonist who is a serial killer. But, that’s just it, it’s not. Serial killers are people we know. They’re the people down the street. They’re our brothers, our ministers, our bosses – they’re us.
And I’d been thinking there’s something wrong with this book for a while but it didn’t quite hit me until Rob said that. I had thought, “Wouldn’t it be interesting to take the concept and turn it on its ear, make it an absurd comedy!”
When I realized how very much we can all relate to a serial killer, I realized just what made the book so absurd. The real world is so much worse! Serial killers are nothing. Think about the people we’re killing with our waste, the planet we’re destroying, the disease we find residing right there in our own hearts! Serial killers? They’re pansies compared to the shit we do.
… so… I guess I have my next book, huh?
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Now with more giblets!...
In my continuing quest to find the dumbest headlines, I bring you THIS!
The teaser headline read “Some victims of U.S. serial killers may be overlooked, study finds.” Okay, before we continue can I just ask who’s the genius who got paid to do this study? Who was it who said, “I’m going to talk to serial killer victims and may sure they’re not overlooked,” and then got paid for it? Sweet deal, bro’!
Because that’s the point. What are they being overlooked in? Federal funds? Equal pay? A sense of accomplishment?
Before that could be answered, however, I clicked the article and found its focus very different. “Serial killers may have more victims than thought,” the headline read. The article began, “Serial killers may be responsible for up to 10 times more U.S. deaths than previously estimated…”
Now, seriously, I’m in the middle of my busy day. Do I need the intrusion of insecure serial killers? Fine! Okay! You all do a very good job, I’m sure. No doubt, you kill more than anyone else. Your “skizzles” are all “kizzles”… or whatever. The thing is, you don’t have to impress me. Hey, you kill people in far more creative and innovative ways than I could ever think of (short of my new book – end shameless plug). Congratulations.
Now, stop whining and get back to work. There are far too many people on this planet. You are our walking, talking, and killing (of course) release valves. Stop feeling sorry for yourselves and do your job.
The teaser headline read “Some victims of U.S. serial killers may be overlooked, study finds.” Okay, before we continue can I just ask who’s the genius who got paid to do this study? Who was it who said, “I’m going to talk to serial killer victims and may sure they’re not overlooked,” and then got paid for it? Sweet deal, bro’!
Because that’s the point. What are they being overlooked in? Federal funds? Equal pay? A sense of accomplishment?
Before that could be answered, however, I clicked the article and found its focus very different. “Serial killers may have more victims than thought,” the headline read. The article began, “Serial killers may be responsible for up to 10 times more U.S. deaths than previously estimated…”
Now, seriously, I’m in the middle of my busy day. Do I need the intrusion of insecure serial killers? Fine! Okay! You all do a very good job, I’m sure. No doubt, you kill more than anyone else. Your “skizzles” are all “kizzles”… or whatever. The thing is, you don’t have to impress me. Hey, you kill people in far more creative and innovative ways than I could ever think of (short of my new book – end shameless plug). Congratulations.
Now, stop whining and get back to work. There are far too many people on this planet. You are our walking, talking, and killing (of course) release valves. Stop feeling sorry for yourselves and do your job.
Keep listening to Bush…
Let’s see… he kept the report that said Iran isn’t working on nukes under wraps until someone finally released it… now, he’s telling us that we should remain “vigilant” again Iran… uh… why?
Listen, people have known Iran had no nukes for a very, very long time. They’re not looking to kill us. They never were. Why vigilant?
Vigilant, for those who might not now, means “watchful”. Bush wants us to watch Iran.
Why?
Maybe because he’s afraid of what we’ll see if we look anywhere else. Look at the illegal war he’s using to destroy our civil rights and funnel illegal profits to his friends… illegally…
GETTING THE PICTURE????
Listen, people have known Iran had no nukes for a very, very long time. They’re not looking to kill us. They never were. Why vigilant?
Vigilant, for those who might not now, means “watchful”. Bush wants us to watch Iran.
Why?
Maybe because he’s afraid of what we’ll see if we look anywhere else. Look at the illegal war he’s using to destroy our civil rights and funnel illegal profits to his friends… illegally…
GETTING THE PICTURE????
Now how much would you pay?...
Does the title sound like a pitchman? Well, I’m feeling kind of like a pitchman these days, so it’s not for nothing.
What if I told you I know what success is and how to find it? I am the first to find the answer (albeit an answer that is right in front of us all). And I’ve put it in my new book, Climbing Maya.
Does that sound like spreadable cheese or what? I might as well become a telemarketer. That’s what it sounds like to me.
But it’s true. I took a scientific approach to finding success and not only came up with a definition better than the dictionary but also found a way that every person can find success. If I die tomorrow, I will have done that much and it’s a lot.
What’s the problem?
The reactions! Not one person has been the least bit impressed. It’s like climbing Everest and having people say, “Yep. Big mountain. Did you have lunch up there?” Don’t you guys get it?! Everest! The tallest mountain in the world! “Yep. Bet’cha got some nice photos, eh?”
Vicky read Climbing Maya and said, “Yeah, it was good.”
Sean read Climbing Maya and said, “I enjoyed it.”
Um… excuse me… ?
Jenn started reading Climbing Maya… um… started…
My two mom’s (coming this fall on NBC) are reading it. Neither of them are overly impressed by the discoveries… or, as some might say, the discoverzizzles… they’re just, “Oh, golly. It’s awful nice to read about you and your pals and gee, it’s nice to read all about you now, don’cha know?”
… um… I know what success is…
Okay, seriously, I’m not that offended. This is just the way my life works. You get to be my age and you stop expecting people to be impressed. It’s harder for me to be impressed because I know how faulty I am and how much a goofball I can be.
Which is probably why I feel like such a huckster. “Success! Come on over for your success! Only $19.95 and success can be yours today.”
I once wrote a short story that was called, “You too can have spiritual enlightenment.” It was a story about a book with that title. The main character walked into a spooky, old motel one night and found it on the bedside table. He read the book and thought, “Hm, that’s it, huh? Well, that doesn’t seem like so much.” And he moved on. (I was playing with the idea of single page stories back then.)
In the end, impression is rarely a localized event. You can’t be impressed with yourself for too long. The monotony of life is far too ubiquitous for anything to chase it away. And family and friends never fall for it. You can climb Mount Everest all you want but, sooner or later, somebody is going to beat you at Scrabble. No, impression lies far over there and to the right with somebody else. And then, they won’t tell you because, well, they’re too impressed.
You just gotta deal.
Meanwhile, I’ve got to keep playing the huckster. I’ve got to start sending this book out in the hopes of impressing some agent or publisher. Maybe they can pay me some money for it…. which is not the same as success… but it’s nice just the same…
What if I told you I know what success is and how to find it? I am the first to find the answer (albeit an answer that is right in front of us all). And I’ve put it in my new book, Climbing Maya.
Does that sound like spreadable cheese or what? I might as well become a telemarketer. That’s what it sounds like to me.
But it’s true. I took a scientific approach to finding success and not only came up with a definition better than the dictionary but also found a way that every person can find success. If I die tomorrow, I will have done that much and it’s a lot.
What’s the problem?
The reactions! Not one person has been the least bit impressed. It’s like climbing Everest and having people say, “Yep. Big mountain. Did you have lunch up there?” Don’t you guys get it?! Everest! The tallest mountain in the world! “Yep. Bet’cha got some nice photos, eh?”
Vicky read Climbing Maya and said, “Yeah, it was good.”
Sean read Climbing Maya and said, “I enjoyed it.”
Um… excuse me… ?
Jenn started reading Climbing Maya… um… started…
My two mom’s (coming this fall on NBC) are reading it. Neither of them are overly impressed by the discoveries… or, as some might say, the discoverzizzles… they’re just, “Oh, golly. It’s awful nice to read about you and your pals and gee, it’s nice to read all about you now, don’cha know?”
… um… I know what success is…
Okay, seriously, I’m not that offended. This is just the way my life works. You get to be my age and you stop expecting people to be impressed. It’s harder for me to be impressed because I know how faulty I am and how much a goofball I can be.
Which is probably why I feel like such a huckster. “Success! Come on over for your success! Only $19.95 and success can be yours today.”
I once wrote a short story that was called, “You too can have spiritual enlightenment.” It was a story about a book with that title. The main character walked into a spooky, old motel one night and found it on the bedside table. He read the book and thought, “Hm, that’s it, huh? Well, that doesn’t seem like so much.” And he moved on. (I was playing with the idea of single page stories back then.)
In the end, impression is rarely a localized event. You can’t be impressed with yourself for too long. The monotony of life is far too ubiquitous for anything to chase it away. And family and friends never fall for it. You can climb Mount Everest all you want but, sooner or later, somebody is going to beat you at Scrabble. No, impression lies far over there and to the right with somebody else. And then, they won’t tell you because, well, they’re too impressed.
You just gotta deal.
Meanwhile, I’ve got to keep playing the huckster. I’ve got to start sending this book out in the hopes of impressing some agent or publisher. Maybe they can pay me some money for it…. which is not the same as success… but it’s nice just the same…
Crazy talk…
It’s hard to consider what’s normal when you’re talking about being crazy but there’s bound to be a median somewhere.
Actually, I’ve been told by professionals that I’m not crazy and this makes me feel a whole lot better.
And that’s what this is about, being crazy and feeling better.
I’ve got my annual physical next week and I’m not particularly looking forward to it. The thing bugging me the most isn’t the cholesterol they’re bound to warn me about, and it’s not the fatty fat fatness they are certain to mention, either. The thing is I saw my doctor about six months ago, desperate to get a referral to a shrink, at the end of my rope with another bout of hallucinations, sleepwalking, etc. etc. etc. I needed help.
You should have seen her face. “You’ve been hallucinating for how long?” she asked, with a look that said, “And, yet, he appears normal.”
I told her everything because, at the time, I saw no other solution than serious help.
The thing is, before I really got much help, it ended. Just like that. What had become a daily routine dropped immediately to the point where I think I still sleepwalk but I can’t say with any certainty when I last did. It’s like great beast came within inches of me – and then walked back to go sleep in its cave. I can’t really say I’m better… but I am…
The only thing is that I have to see my doctor next week and, while I can deal with her, it’s turned into this big, flashing, constant reminder, pointing its finger, glaring at me. “You’re not really better,” it says. After all, isn’t it a lot like being diagnosed with cancer and then announcing you feel better without any treatment?
It’s important for me to understand the whys and wherefores… so… Perhaps all the craziness last summer, and it’s sudden absence, can be understood better if we understand the context. My brain tends to deal with stress in its own way, let’s just say. What stressful event did I have? Last summer? Well… none. But if you go back a few months before that – I was out of work for over six months until March. Maybe that’s what started all the craziness, and it was a response to all that stress? Put in that context, it’s not so strange for it to end. Some people vomit, others break out… I hallucinate…
I just have to remember, when the doctor asks how I’m feeling, to give a wide, crooked smile and answer, my voice cracking just a little, “I feel great!”
Actually, I’ve been told by professionals that I’m not crazy and this makes me feel a whole lot better.
And that’s what this is about, being crazy and feeling better.
I’ve got my annual physical next week and I’m not particularly looking forward to it. The thing bugging me the most isn’t the cholesterol they’re bound to warn me about, and it’s not the fatty fat fatness they are certain to mention, either. The thing is I saw my doctor about six months ago, desperate to get a referral to a shrink, at the end of my rope with another bout of hallucinations, sleepwalking, etc. etc. etc. I needed help.
You should have seen her face. “You’ve been hallucinating for how long?” she asked, with a look that said, “And, yet, he appears normal.”
I told her everything because, at the time, I saw no other solution than serious help.
The thing is, before I really got much help, it ended. Just like that. What had become a daily routine dropped immediately to the point where I think I still sleepwalk but I can’t say with any certainty when I last did. It’s like great beast came within inches of me – and then walked back to go sleep in its cave. I can’t really say I’m better… but I am…
The only thing is that I have to see my doctor next week and, while I can deal with her, it’s turned into this big, flashing, constant reminder, pointing its finger, glaring at me. “You’re not really better,” it says. After all, isn’t it a lot like being diagnosed with cancer and then announcing you feel better without any treatment?
It’s important for me to understand the whys and wherefores… so… Perhaps all the craziness last summer, and it’s sudden absence, can be understood better if we understand the context. My brain tends to deal with stress in its own way, let’s just say. What stressful event did I have? Last summer? Well… none. But if you go back a few months before that – I was out of work for over six months until March. Maybe that’s what started all the craziness, and it was a response to all that stress? Put in that context, it’s not so strange for it to end. Some people vomit, others break out… I hallucinate…
I just have to remember, when the doctor asks how I’m feeling, to give a wide, crooked smile and answer, my voice cracking just a little, “I feel great!”
Monday, December 03, 2007
And you may be fat, too…
So, I went in this morning to have my blood work done in anticipation for my annual physical next week.
I walked into the doctor’s office and told the nurse why I was there. She looked at my records. Then, she looked at me. “We’ll need to do a lipid panel to check your cholesterol,” she said. Then, she looked back at my records and looked back at me. “Have you ever had a thyroid exam?”
“No,” I answered.
She looked back at my records and looked at me. “You may need a thyroid exam.” Again, she checked the records and looked me over. “Did the doctor mention a thyroid exam?”
Eventually, it was determined that I didn’t need a thyroid exam, despite the nurse’s dubious glances to the contrary.
Lady, if you want to call me fat, just come out and say it! Please! I get it!
Oh, but it gets better. Even after she was done and she was sending me on to the lab to get all my blood sucked out of me, she called out across the waiting room, “Be sure to watch the sweets!”
I didn’t tell her to fuck off, though I wanted to… but if telepathy could kill…
I walked into the doctor’s office and told the nurse why I was there. She looked at my records. Then, she looked at me. “We’ll need to do a lipid panel to check your cholesterol,” she said. Then, she looked back at my records and looked back at me. “Have you ever had a thyroid exam?”
“No,” I answered.
She looked back at my records and looked at me. “You may need a thyroid exam.” Again, she checked the records and looked me over. “Did the doctor mention a thyroid exam?”
Eventually, it was determined that I didn’t need a thyroid exam, despite the nurse’s dubious glances to the contrary.
Lady, if you want to call me fat, just come out and say it! Please! I get it!
Oh, but it gets better. Even after she was done and she was sending me on to the lab to get all my blood sucked out of me, she called out across the waiting room, “Be sure to watch the sweets!”
I didn’t tell her to fuck off, though I wanted to… but if telepathy could kill…
Devaluate-ey Spice…
Vicky had her radio on this morning where I heard this gem. Apparently, with the Spice Girls kicking off their reunion tour recently, they played some “classic Spice Girls hits.”
Okay, um, reality check, please!
How many “hits” did the salty chicks actually have? Was this show about 15 minutes long?
And how devalued is the meaning of a word like “classic” when it can be applied to people like seasoning skirts?
Should anyone find where they laid the English language to rest, please leave a flower for me.
Okay, um, reality check, please!
How many “hits” did the salty chicks actually have? Was this show about 15 minutes long?
And how devalued is the meaning of a word like “classic” when it can be applied to people like seasoning skirts?
Should anyone find where they laid the English language to rest, please leave a flower for me.
I guess a doggie bag would be right out…
Next time you’re getting your blood work done for a yearly physical, check to see if they’re asking for urine as well. If so, do me a favor.
Give your urine, of course. Hell, they’re the only people out there asking you for it so it’s the least you can do.
But, when you’re done, walk back out to the nurse or technician or starving actor who requested your juice and ask them for another cup/vial/tub. They’ll be perplexed; they’ll probably think you made a mistake. So, when they ask you why, just look at them with the most innocent face you can muster and, with a great deal of enthusiasm, be sure to exclaim, “I got more!”
Give your urine, of course. Hell, they’re the only people out there asking you for it so it’s the least you can do.
But, when you’re done, walk back out to the nurse or technician or starving actor who requested your juice and ask them for another cup/vial/tub. They’ll be perplexed; they’ll probably think you made a mistake. So, when they ask you why, just look at them with the most innocent face you can muster and, with a great deal of enthusiasm, be sure to exclaim, “I got more!”
Was 9/11 an inside job?…
… after Iraq, Katrina, the economy, Guantanamo, and our plundered civil rights –
It Might Just As Well Have Been!
It Might Just As Well Have Been!
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Double-entry blogging...
Come on. Who couldn’t see this coming? Who’s Luke’s father? That’s a guy at the end of Crying Game? The Maltese Falcon was made of what?
After leaving My Side behind two years ago, who really thought I’d give up the blog, the name, the history – Ken La Salle NOT write My Side? Come on, people.
My Side is as close to me as my own name. It was the name of my high school newspaper column, my college newspaper column, my first book – you bought that one, right? – I wasn’t about to just let it die.
But I needed a break, some time to regroup. One Path was the perfect new home after Vicky and I were married. It was a place for us to write about our love, our lives, and… but Vicky didn’t really write that much, did she? It turned mostly into… well… My Side.
Except that My Side was written pre-Vicky. It was the blog about leaving my first wife behind. It was dipped in the syrup of neurosis and ennui, surely it was best left in the past.
Yeah. Right.
Now, here’s something you won’t see every day. I’m posting this entry onto both My Side and One Path. I’m double dipping. But I’m only doing it to let you know the plan – and there is one. You see, I get people complaining about things. They say they like reading about what’s going on with Vicky and I but they hate reading all the political rants. They say they like the topical stuff but wish I wasn’t so sappy.
So…
If you’ll allow a change in programming, One Path will heretofore be the home of the sappy. It’s where I get to talk about my life with Vicky. All the trials. All the troubles. All the tribula – you know, all the shit. My Side, on the other hand, is all me, baby. It’s all my shit. You may run into Vicky on One Path. But don’t go looking for her on My Side… cause, you know, it’s hard enough to get her to write on One Path…
Who says you can’t have it both ways? I might love Vicky and want to tell you all about it… but I’m still Ken, right? So, let’s get on with it.
After leaving My Side behind two years ago, who really thought I’d give up the blog, the name, the history – Ken La Salle NOT write My Side? Come on, people.
My Side is as close to me as my own name. It was the name of my high school newspaper column, my college newspaper column, my first book – you bought that one, right? – I wasn’t about to just let it die.
But I needed a break, some time to regroup. One Path was the perfect new home after Vicky and I were married. It was a place for us to write about our love, our lives, and… but Vicky didn’t really write that much, did she? It turned mostly into… well… My Side.
Except that My Side was written pre-Vicky. It was the blog about leaving my first wife behind. It was dipped in the syrup of neurosis and ennui, surely it was best left in the past.
Yeah. Right.
Now, here’s something you won’t see every day. I’m posting this entry onto both My Side and One Path. I’m double dipping. But I’m only doing it to let you know the plan – and there is one. You see, I get people complaining about things. They say they like reading about what’s going on with Vicky and I but they hate reading all the political rants. They say they like the topical stuff but wish I wasn’t so sappy.
So…
If you’ll allow a change in programming, One Path will heretofore be the home of the sappy. It’s where I get to talk about my life with Vicky. All the trials. All the troubles. All the tribula – you know, all the shit. My Side, on the other hand, is all me, baby. It’s all my shit. You may run into Vicky on One Path. But don’t go looking for her on My Side… cause, you know, it’s hard enough to get her to write on One Path…
Who says you can’t have it both ways? I might love Vicky and want to tell you all about it… but I’m still Ken, right? So, let’s get on with it.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
For everything, there is a season... and everything in its place...
As I mentioned months agoAs I mentioned months ago, the time for My Side was coming to a close. My Side, after all, was the blog of a guy who lost his wife and was learning to start a new life. Well, I learned, I started, and now it’s time for a new blog and a new story.
Two Lives – One Path, on the day Vicky and I were married, that saying was everywhere to be seen. That’s our philosophy and, so, that will be our story. If links work as they should, you should be able to click on the name and be taken on over to our new home.
Ironically, after searching through nearly a dozen blogging sites, we ended up back at Blogger. It may have been because it sounds like Frogger… no, wait – no that’s not it… Anyway, new features allow for better security, so I can enable Comments without having to worry about people flaming and spamming with their bile and hate.
Everyone’s welcome to come by our new home and send us comments. But you’re not welcome to be rude and hurtful – leave that at home.
My Side is over.. for now. Though I’m still coping with all the changes losing Rosa put me through – we’re talking sleepwalking at the top of that list – I marvel every day and how wonderfully things have turned out.
Oh, I’ll bring My Side out of the attic one of these days – hell, I’ve been pushing it on people since 1982 so why stop? – but, for now, One Path is where you’ll find me. Now, I’ll post this last My Side, close the windows, turn of the lights, and shut the doors…
… the party’s not over… just moving…
Two Lives – One Path, on the day Vicky and I were married, that saying was everywhere to be seen. That’s our philosophy and, so, that will be our story. If links work as they should, you should be able to click on the name and be taken on over to our new home.
Ironically, after searching through nearly a dozen blogging sites, we ended up back at Blogger. It may have been because it sounds like Frogger… no, wait – no that’s not it… Anyway, new features allow for better security, so I can enable Comments without having to worry about people flaming and spamming with their bile and hate.
Everyone’s welcome to come by our new home and send us comments. But you’re not welcome to be rude and hurtful – leave that at home.
My Side is over.. for now. Though I’m still coping with all the changes losing Rosa put me through – we’re talking sleepwalking at the top of that list – I marvel every day and how wonderfully things have turned out.
Oh, I’ll bring My Side out of the attic one of these days – hell, I’ve been pushing it on people since 1982 so why stop? – but, for now, One Path is where you’ll find me. Now, I’ll post this last My Side, close the windows, turn of the lights, and shut the doors…
… the party’s not over… just moving…
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