Bookends

About ten years ago, I made a decision that dramatically altered the course of my life. Had I not left Rosa, today would be very different. I might be with her. I might have a child with her. I might be without her for very different reasons.

I lost Rosa in March of 2000 and three years later I tried to undo what I had done, but that was not possible. I call this “Bookends” because I began this blog shortly after the events of March 2003, as a way of coping with life without Rosa and this seems to be the perfect place to express what I’m feeling ten years after losing her. Those who read this blog have probably – undeniably – noticed my frequency tapering off. It may not always be so but, certainly for now at least, real life seems to possess far more of my time than blogging will allow.

Still, this seemed important to address.

Let me begin by saying that I’ve been incredibly lucky in the last ten years. I’ve enjoyed success. I’ve traveled. I found a lovely woman who I love very much. If not for Vicky, I doubt I’d be the person I am today. Having her in my life helped restore much of what I lost when I lost Rosa and I am grateful for that.

So, on to Rosa…

So many people have expressed the thought over the years that I must have somehow gotten over Rosa, as if it’s all so clear and easily worked out. Let me tell you. It’s messier than that by far. Hardly a day goes by without a thought of Rosa – what she’s doing, how she is, how things might have turned out better. We promised we’d remain friends and, let me tell you, were we wrong!

Finding Vicky did not fill the hole Rosa left. It just helped make life a bit more bearable. The Rosa-shaped hole is still there in my heart; I’ve just become adept at ignoring it. Sometimes, I wish she were in my life but then I consider what that would entail and what complications it would include and I shake my head and wish her well and resign myself to the reality of history. She will always be gone, for better or for worse.

Rosa said my love was like a freight train and Vicky has said that’s fine by her. Vicky appreciates it and that’s a relief after all the times Rosa rejected it. Vicky’s not perfect by any stretch and I don’t want to suggest that, but she loves me and I know it. She’s no Rosa but Rosa’s no Vicky, either. One doesn’t have to be better than the other.

For 15 years, I was lucky enough to have Rosa in my life. I hope I’m lucky enough to get 15 with Vicky, or 16, or 20, or 30… I’ll take as many as I can get.

If this somehow finds its way to Rosa, I would just want her to know that nothing absolves me from the guilt of what I did any more than absolution is yours. We were both horribly wrong and will never regain what we lost. My only hope is that you end up as lucky as I have.

On my first entry, I said that there was much to tell and that would tell it. I hope I’ve done so to your satisfaction. Now, much remains to be lived and I will live it. When I think of it, I’ll try to write now and again.