It's Finals Week...

Question: Aristotle comes to his psychology from a very different direction than Plato does. Discuss their differing accounts of the nature of the psyche.

Answer: Aristotle and Plato are long dead and best left to rest in their graves. Isn't it past time we stopped trying to exhume the past for our own gains? Shouldn't our ancients be respected and left to rest?

... hmmm... probably not going to work...

Answer: Dana Plato and Aristotle Onasis both took very different approaches to Psychology. Dana Plato's spread in Playboy was very Freudian, for instance, while...

... hmmm...

College sucks.

Space Nazis attack!...

I'm a sucker for batshit crazy...

This is how sleepwalking fucks with you…

12:30am… this morning…

I awake, suddenly remembering the two final things I need to write down on my list. Sure, it’s the middle of the night but I’ve been working on my list and I should write down these final, two things. Anyway, if I go back to sleep, I’ll forget them and then where will I be?

Okay. Okay. So, I get up, get dressed and start walking down the stairs.

It’s at this point when the final two things become kind of fuzzy in my head, the two items that were so clear to me just moments before.

In fact, as I near the bottom of the stairs… I realize… something… else…

And, standing at the bottom of the stairs, it’s clear to me that there was no final, two things! In fact, there was no list! Once again, I’ve fooled myself into waking up!

And now, here it is at 3:30am and I’m still awake.

… I figured I’d share it, make my waking up somewhat worth it…

Saying for the day...

Remember:

There are no stupid questions. Just stupid questioners!

What is friendship…?

It’s an odd topic for someone who has lost so many friends over the years but bear with and, if you’re not lucky, you may learn something before we’re done. So, let’s get going, okay?

…. where was I?

This is definitely one of those things I think about once and end up writing about in a book later on. I was at Taco Bell today. I ordered my Spicy Chicken Burritos and prepared to abscond with a hefty booty of hot sauce packets. (It is the height of irony that I end up paying for eating all those hot sauces in that very same place, too…) Then, this guy drove up through the drive thru and I realized two things about this guy. First, he’s a new customer; he’s never been there before. Second, he’s talking to the guy taking his order as though they were long time friends.

That got me thinking, of course. You see, most of us treat life as a series of transactions. I know I’m guilty of that. I transacted with the guy at Taco Bell. I transacted with my instructor, Mr. Ring, tonight. Transacting is the act of engaging with another person for an expected result. I expect that ordering food from Taco Bell will get me my supper. Paying attention to Mr. Ring’s lecture will help me pass his final. (I’m hoping.)

I see most people going through life this way.

But this guy in the drive thru got me thinking. What happens when we don’t engage others for the expect result but, rather, engage with them without expecting a result of any kind. There’s an obvious answer here and that is “This is friendship”. Obviously.

But I’d like to take this a step forward. What’s on my mind tonight is not “Why don’t more of us act that way, and engage with people without expecting a result?” Rather, I can’t help wondering “Why do so many of us treat life as a series of transactions?” What prevents us from being friendly? What holds us back?

… I don’t know where that’s going. I’m just wondering.

Corporate Lobbyists? Don’t mind if I do!…

John McCain has been mythologized as the straight-talking maverick who fights special interests but the facts tell a very different story.

Here’s a great chart that shows all of the corporate lobbyists McCain has running is campaign. These are the people at the handle of flushing our nation down the toilet.

Fight special interests? Sure. He fights them with LOVE!

Yahoo… Let’s Panic!…

Okay, I admit it. Right now probably isn’t the best time to be alive.

Global Warming.

Global Food Riots.

A nation in deep denia – er, recession.

(And, I’m unemployed and haven’t sold a book, yet!)

But do people really have to encourage panic? Yahoo is telling people to start stockpiling food, for crying out loud. Are we there, yet?

… okay, but do we have to be all negative about it?

Fuck you, Ruby Tuesday’s…

I don’t know if you have a Ruby Tuesday’s near you. I don’t care. This is just another sign of how fucking stupid we’ve become in America if they actually think we believe this shit.

Okay, so I’m watching TV and this idiotic commercial comes on for – you wanna take a guess? – and they start spouting off about how they make hamburgers out of meat that has NEVER BEEN FROZEN. Okay? Should I repeat that? It’s NEVER BEEN FROZEN!

So, what do they expect us to believe?

That they ship live cows to each location for slaughter – the minute they have the need for enough ground beef that they’ll use an entire cow?

Or maybe that they do slaughter their cows remotely – or buy their beef remotely to be more realistic – only then they truck it in the bed of a very old U-haul truck – a very warm U-haul truck – over the course of 10-15 days, because the drivers keep getting lost but that’s okay BECAUSE THEIR MEAT IS MAGIC?

Or maybe we should just assume that it’s just not fucking beef!

I just want to slap these people.

What debate is all about…

So, it seems that after tonight’s debate, broadcast on the network that brought you 9/11 propaganda as history, the issues seem to be that Barack Obama doesn’t wear the right pins and people he knows say the wrong things. Holy shit! Someone stop this man!

On top of the list were accusations about Mr. William Ayres who was alleged for having been part of a radical group… when Obama was eight years old.

Why that mother fucker.

Meanwhile, Clinton sounds ready to go to war with Iran next Thursday. Surely, she appears far more presidential. Look! She has the correct pin!

Pardon my snark but I get this way when I see this kind of shit.

King George II Tells The Truth...

Is it any wonder I can't sleep at night?

Sluts.com…

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Like 1981, but older…

Here’s something you might not have known: I used to be a runner.

…

… stop laughing.

Seriously. Track team and everything. I would have lettered in my Freshman year (way the fuck back in 1981) had our football coach not been such a dick. (Long story.) Anyway, I used to love to run. Even after I was out of track, I’d go for runs on my own… you know… until I started smoking… yes, yes, I know!

So, what does this have to do with today, you ask? (Go ahead. Ask.) Well, this morning I jogged nearly 5 ¼ miles at the gym. Granted, it took 1 ¼ hours, but I am rather proud of myself just the same.

I’m not doing nearly as well as Jenn. (Whose blog you should check out and provide your support!) But then, she wasn’t a smoker… of cigarettes… with tobacco… the legal kind…

I’m nearly at my 1/3rd of a year mark for quitting and I’m doing great. I haven’t cheated and I’m back to where I can run every day (when I don’t get lazy, that is). Does this mean I’ll never smoke again? I’m still not ready to say that. If Clostio stepped back into my life, I’d probably smoke tomorrow. If Murphy came for a visit… maybe… though he’s less likely to try and get me started again.

It just feels good to know I can do it. I can run. I can refrain from smoking… as much as I might love it… as much as every cigarette is like a dream… as much – sorry, what was I saying?…

Let’s hope this running pays off soon, too, because it would be nice to be less of a fat-ass… (okay, that’s next on my list!)

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

So, is it just me or does McCain's wife look eerily similar to a cyborg? (New series, not old series.) I mean, you take out those contacts that cover her red eyes and...

I'm just saying...

Vampire Society (on sale now!) …

It was the book I never thought I’d finish. I started writing Vampire Society shortly before Rosa and I split up. It was supposed to be the book we had always talked about me writing and Rosa and I both liked what we saw…

… then, of course, we split up. And what’s the point of finishing a book, then? I abandoned it, figuring I’d give up novels and write plays. That was true, for a while.

Until Vicky stepped into the picture. She inspired me to pick myself back up again and continue writing the book, but it wasn’t the same book it had once been. What started out as a manifesto became a book about the nature of love, which is why I ended up calling Vampire Society: A Love Story About Values.

Though my luck finding traditional publication wasn’t as good as I’d hoped, Amazon came along with their new e-reader: Kindle. If you have one (and you should, they’re really neat – he said, pluggingly), you can now purchase the novel that started me writing novels again: Vampire Society.

Vampire Society is a love story that occurs before the backdrop of a society where greed has become a virtue and where ethics have become a vice. Vampire Society is a philosophical novel with a simple message about values that is universal. It is not liberal or conservative, Democratic or Republican. It speaks to the part of us that is looking for something good in a society trying to buy their happiness. With it’s philosophy that the good is not based on selfishness, it is a rebuff of Ayn Rand in a time that needs it the most.

Another of Hillary's lies...

Just another reason why I can't support this candidate.

¼ of a year…

As of yesterday, I had gone three months, one-quarter of a year without a cigarette.

Shocking.

I have to say, it’s a good feeling. I’m jogging and hitting the elliptical… I’m still fat but at least I’m not out of breath.

I’m not at the point where I’m in everyone’s face about joining me in quitting. Actually, I’m more in the face of smokers – in the hopes of catching some of that fine, fine second-hand smoke.

Hey, one step at a time, right?

Mmmmmm.... meat...

Thought of going organic, yet? How about veggie?

Mmmmmm.... meat...

I'm so glad Vicky and I buy organic meat cut at the store! You get what you pay for, folks. Try veggies!

Headlines I love to see...

Today, while scanning MSN, I saw these headlines side by side:

How to lose weight

How we could one day run out of food

I'm betting it's the fat guy's fault.

And this is why I’m never going to Fry’s again… EVER!…

Bought a USB memory stick from Fry’s last week. $10.

Took it home and found out the whole thing was made of plastic. These things usually have some kind of metal in them but this one – nope. 100% plastic.

So, when I plugged it into my PC’s USB port, it bent.

It bent.

They’re not supposed to bend. This one did.

Today, I brought it back to Fry’s.

I walked up to the guy at the “Customer Service” desk – watch out for that one. It’s a misnomer. I handed it to him and said, “Listen, all I did was plug it into my USB port and it bent. It’s not supposed to do that. I want to return it.”

He said, “We can’t return this. It’s broke.”

I said, “I know it’s broke. That’s why I’m taking it back.”

“But we can’t take back broken merchandise.”

I said, “I wouldn’t have taken it back if it worked the way it was supposed to. But it didn’t. It broke. That’s why I’m taking it back.”

“We can’t take it back. It’s broke.”

Obviously, he didn’t get the concept.

So, I asked to speak with his manager.

His manager came out with the USB stick in his hand and said, “You broke this. We can’t take it back.”

Nice.

I said, “Look, I wouldn’t want to take it back if it didn’t break after putting it in my USB port. It’s not like I ran it over with my car. I used it for what it’s supposed to be used for and it broke. That’s shitty workmanship. I want to take it back.”

He answered, in a smooth, professional manner. “Well, you can’t.”

Okay, so this is about where I began to lose my patience. I asked, “Can I speak with your manager?”

“I am the manager!” Swear to dog, the punctuation is correct.

So, I replied, “You work for someone, don’t you? You don’t own the company, right? Do you?”

“No.”

“Then, get me your manager.”

Off he went.

He came back with an angry, bald guy. “We can’t take back merchandise you broke.”

That was it. “So, you’re telling me that if shit falls apart after one use, you’re not going to honor your return policy?”

“We honor it – but we don’t take back broken things. All I can do is give you the manufacturer’s phone number.”

“You expect me to call Taiwan?”

At this point, the first manager, playing with the USB stick, snapped the bent part off.

I snapped, too.

Listen, I just lost my job. Things are pretty shitty. And these guys were dicks.

I used just about every swear word I know and I threw several things. Then, I left, screaming, “Fuck you, cock suckers!” It probably wasn’t my finest moment. But, seriously…

Song titles for the deaf...

Have you ever been watching a show on television in closed caption when a song is being played? Sometimes, if you're lucky, they'll include a closed caption note: Song "Take Me to The River" by the Talking Heads played - or something to show the name of the song being played.

Okay, now, call me stupid but if closed captioning is meant for the deaf... isn't it a bit insulting to assume they know how the song goes? Sure, they could have lost their hearing last week but what if they were born deaf?

Could they sign "Play me a few bars cause the title ain't ringing any bells"?

Spitz but doesn't swallow...

Listen, I have to comment on this whole story about ex-Governor Eliot Spitzer. I wasn't going to... but then I saw pictures of the prostitute.

(I saw them on the news, dear. )

In case anyone is wondering why the man would do what he did, how he could ruin his career lke that, how he could betray his family and ruin his life... look, have you taken a good look at his wife? Huh? She's like Marilyn Quayle, for God's sake! (Way to be topical, Ken.) After seeing a few pictures of the prostitute, things became very, very... um, clear.

Mind you, the bitches in prison (of which Eliot is bound to be one) won't look half as nice.

Now it’s a sin?…

So, according to the Vatican, it’s a sin to harm the earth.

What? You mean NOW? All of a sudden? That omni-knowitall god of yours didn’t think it was so bad last month???

Not only does the Vatican make god look like he’s late to the party but there’s another issue they forgot. This whole “new sin” thing makes everyone a sinner! It doesn’t focus on the people who are causing the most harm! It makes everyone a…

Oh, wait. Sure. That nets them more money in the collection plates.

Shrewd move, Vatican. Very shrewd.

And so, it begins again...

I was laid off today. After being employed for one year, I've become a victim of the economy once again.

I'm not really happy about it, as you might guess.

I'm sure I'll have more to say later. Right now, though, I'm just devestated.

Where were you when Gygax died?...

No, this isn’t another blog about sleep.

The Internet(s) in the past few days have been filled with eulogizations of the once so famous Gary Gygax, who recently took critical damage and ran out of hit points as it were. With a name like that, he’d either be the foremost geek of all time or rocker beyond par. Fortunately for us, he chose geekdom. (And wouldn’t that make a great slogan: I CHOOSE GEEKDOM!)

For those who don’t know – and how could you NOT? – Gygax was just about single-handedly responsible for Dungeons & Dragons and, by extension, just about every fantasy role playing game imaginable.

Let us pause in remembrance…

(Anyway, I had some work to do.)

I wasn’t going to say anything about him but then I got to thinking… how could I not? After all, I owe that guy in a big way for hours, days, months – hell, years if you look at it cumulatively – of bitchen entertainment.

This all started (he said as the organ cued up a flashback) back in the 1980’s, when I believe it was Tim Murphy who brought to our little group of friends the first AD&D book (if you don’t know, don’t ask). I believe it was the Player’s Handbook but it might have been the Monster Manual (volume 1). We collected a whole library over the years. I still have most of them in storage – waiting for that next game!

So, what happened? Sean Mullin, Sean Roberson, Tim, and I (and sometimes others) would gather around, usually as Mullin’s house, and play. Mullin, Tim, and I took turns at DM’ing (again, don’t ask) so we could all play. Actually, it was because we all believed ourselves to be FAR SUPERIOR to the others at DM’ing, but that’s a different story.

Actually, DM’ing was my favorite part. I’d write up whole novellas of background material and pre-scripted events… mostly to compensate for the fact that I could not draw to save my life. My dungeons were usually drawn on graph paper, so I could trace the lines. But who else put Rocky and Bullwinkle into their adventures? That was part of the beauty of D&D, though, the freedom it granted to creative dopes like me.

Later, after Murphy and Mullin disappeared to the wilds of wherever, Roberson wanted to keep playing. We’d recruit anyone we could get – I even tried to get Rosa to play if you can believe that – just to get our D&D fix. But, sadly, those days were fading with the 80’s. By the 90’s, we had computers – Commodore 64’s! From that to my Amiga to my PCs, I have since played nearly twenty years of computer RPGs.

In fact, Vicky can blame Gygax for my current, recent, long-time obsession with WoW – you’re hating all these acronyms, aren’t you? But if Gygax hadn’t invented D&D, we might not have games like World of Warcraft. We might be stuck playing RISK!

One more thing. When I was a kid, I’d tell my mom I was heading off to Sean’s to play D&D and she’d give me that lecture so many of us geeks heard. She warned me against satan worshipping and the evil influences of, you know, pretending! We should all keep in mind the stupid shit our parents told us when we were kids so we can take those crackpots who tells us that video games MAKE CHILDREN KILL with a big, fat, fucking grain of salt.

A grain the size of a d20. (I thought I’d make it through this without a single dice joke. I guess I was wrong.)

Oh, the reports they do…

This one is up there with that report they did that concluded “People who wear shoes are more likely to tie knots.” I’m sure you’re familiar with the myriad of stupid reports people have done over the years. Well, this one’s a doozy!

Turns out that Men Who Do Housework May Get More Sex! No shit! Honest! I ain’t kidding!

But let’s qualify that, okay? I’m thinking they’re talking about men in relationships… traditional “you never help out around the house” relationships. Okay?

That said, who the fuck did not know this? Was there some group of guys saying, “No, seriously. If I smear shit on the walls, she gets horny. No kidding. I take my filth and wipe it on the wallpaper, and she blows me. Swear to fucking god!”

Next thing you’ll be hearing is a report that concludes “Men who wash may get more sex” and another with “Men without big, pus-running scabs on their dicks may get more sex”…

… possibly…

… they may want to look into that…

The morning after last night…

To say we made it through last night would be an overstatement.

Shrub is endorsing McCain as the presumed, Repugnant nominee this morning. Need I say more?

And, somehow, Clinton has the “mo” to keep going. She won three of the races, though Texas was a squeaker, but did not necessarily pull out more delegates. For me, it was very discouraging to see Clinton win, considering how she did it through fear mongering and lying, tactics she often attributes to the Repugnants. It still seems unlikely that she’ll be the nominee but, let me say now, if she were, I would never be able to vote for her because of her lying and cheating. I’ll vote for the Green candidate who has no chance of winning and I’ll do it proudly, because I won’t vote for someone I can’t trust.

Now, before I wrap up, there is one issue I want to address. It keeps coming up – Clinton raised it this past week with the “Three AM” ad – and I just think it’s stupid. That is, this presumption that Barak Obama is someone less prepared to deal with national security than McCain or Clinton.

So, let’s see.

McCain’s experience with national security is that he was tortured. And now, he endorses torture. If you don’t see that red flag, get your eyes checked.

Clinton’s experience with national security is through osmosis, if at all. Her husband was once president.

As far as I can see, Obama is just as prepared as either candidate. He’s just more honest about it, which is why he has my support.

Crimes of the morning…

Vicky owes me for this one.

I felt her nudging me this morning. Nudging. Nudging. Nudging. “Honey,” she asked, “when are you getting up?”

I wanted nothing more than to stay asleep. I was having a great, musical nightmare that I was enjoying thoroughly. It was nearing its climax – but she kept nudging. So, I rolled over, looked at the clock, and said, “In about ten minutes.” If only she had allowed me to sleep for ten more minutes – BUT NO!

That’s got to be a crime, waking someone up ten minutes early for no other reason than to ask when they would have woken up had you not totally fucked up their sleep.

If it’s not, it should be!

Everyone’s moving…

Have you seen them? The FOR SALE signs?

Every morning, when I’m driving to work or heading to the gym, I see one after another after another after another. Sometimes, there are five, six, or seven on a street.

This morning, as I went to the gym, in the weeeeee small hours of the morning (4:20am, which might explain why my brain was so flabby), I wondered, “Where are all these people moving to? Where are they going?”

Within an instant, the answer came to me. “They’re moving to PLEASEGODDON’TFORCLOSEONME-land! They are relocating to Wearefucked, USA. They’re moving to Gottarentfromnowon-ville! They’re heading off to PleasebuymyhouseormycreditwillberuinedandI’llbelivingonthestreet City!”

That’s the sad truth of it. So many people bought houses with these shitty sub-prime loans and they won’t be able to rent if their credit gets ruined so they have to sell or be in a bucket filled with fiery-hot trouble. It’s going to change the way we look at buying a house for a long time and it’s going to leave a lot of ruined lives in its wake.

I am very thankful that Vicky and I got out of our sub-prime before it was too late. If I’d been out of work much longer, things would be very different, and much worse, for us.

But, don’t listen to me. According to Shrub, there’s no recession!

Enough war for you?...

So… how you liking Afghanistan? Enjoying Iraq, are you?

With all this great war going on, don’t you sometimes wish we had more?

Of course, you do! You’re American, aren’t you?

Well, hot damn! The administration of homicidal maniacs that we call our President has gone and found a new place to kill another group of people who are too poor, too weak, and too hungry to actually fight back. Yes, it’s a goddamn godsend for the bloodthirsty, that’s what the Bush administration is!

This past weekend, with no fanfare just a thirst for blood, the US started bombing the hell out of Somalia – our newest, greatest enemy.

Be very afraid of the weak – because America could never, ever be wrong when it commits crimes against humanity.

The first 60 days…

I’ve almost been afraid to say this because I might “jinx” it or something.

But, here goes… Today I officially start my third month of not smoking. That’s right. I haven’t had a ciggie in two months.

You can close your mouths now.

I’m really proud of myself so far and hope to keep things going. In case you’re wondering how you can quit, too…

Quitting Smoking Ken’s Way

1) Get sick. Get really sick. Pneumonia’s good. Get that.
2) How do you like smoking now?
3) Pretty fucked up, huh?
4) Okay, now here comes the hard part.
5) Once you’re better… don’t smoke.
6) Keep not smoking.
7) Yeah, this is fucked up, too.
8) The whole thing is fucked up.
9) Fuck this! I want a smoke!
10) Wait! Hold on! You’re not smoking. Remember?
11) Think of all the benefits your body experiences by not smoking.
12) Face it. You’re a mess. You need all the help you can get.
13) After you gain 30 pounds in the first week, resolve to hit the gym.
14) Now, go to the gym.
15) Now, go inside.
16) Now, get on a machine.
17) Any machine.
18) Just pick one.
19) No, not that one. The other one.
20) There. Doesn’t that feel better?
21) No, don’t just sit there.
22) Take up jogging.
23) Feel your lungs hurt? That’s what smoking has done to your lungs. You’d probably be better of not jogging.
24) Keep it up anyway. Isn’t this fun?
25) What do you mean, “It starts with an F – U?”
26) Oh, I get it. Really funny.
27) Still want to smoke? That’s okay. Just cut off a digit every time you get the urge.
28) Sure, you can include toes.
29) Learn how to type with your nose.

Yes, I’m feeling great. Can’t wait for month three.

Mind you, if Clostio was around, he’d probably reward me with a ciggie… (I had to get that one jibe in. The jerk hasn’t spoken to me in a year!)

Change you can Xerox…

If you didn’t hear Hillary say it, you’ve probably heard about her saying it by now. Amidst the tsunami of analysis, I’d like to take just a moment of your time because there’s something everyone seems to be missing. Let me be the first to say it.

“That’s okay, too.”

Listen, let’s imagine for a minute that it’s true. Okay? Let’s imagine that Barak Obama is Xeroxing all the great speeches from wise men throughout history. Let’s imagine that he writes not one word but that he simply recites the wisdom of the ages. Imagine that.

Now, what’s the problem?

We currently have an administration that eschews wisdom, that avoids hopes, that shreds the profound, and dances on the destruction of our collective intelligence. To have anyone, man, woman, or Beagle, who stands by the wisdom of the ages and is inspired enough to want to make that message his own would be an amazing improvement over the system of lies, corruption, and evil that presently exists.

So, at worst, Barak Obama is led by the wisdom of others.

Put that man in jail.

Lobbyist's for McCain...

Have you heard about this New York Time’s story about McCain and a lobbyist?

Call me cynical but doesn’t it feel like his people planted this to gain him a little street cred amongst the hard right? It doesn’t seem to make any sense any other way.

The idiots come out against Obama…

Looks like McCain’s going to get the idiot vote. Dammit. Obama’s doomed to fail now.

Vicky was forwarded an email from a “friend” today that basically, in that supremely intelligent way idiots have of cutting and pasting another person’s thoughts without thinking of something of their own, respewed the same bile Michelle Malkin spewed about Barak’s wife.
In that “No We Can’t” spirit, he prefaced it with How a real thinker doesn't get caught up in the "we can do it"!

God forbid anyone get inspired by hope.

Now, you’re probably wondering about the ironic part. Here it is. The ironic part is this is the same Michelle Malkin who authored the book applauding America’s history of imprisoning the innocent and ignoring the rule of law. Apparently, these are the kinds of things she enjoys being proud of. Well, it’s not too much of a stretch, then, to see that she would be proud of illegal wars in Iraq, torture, mercantilism, and various other war crimes. Yep, that Malkin chick sure has her priorities straight!

Why get “caught up” in hope when you have things like war crimes you can revel in?

That’s Motivation…

This morning. 4:30am.

A very fine drizzle fell on me as I walked from my car into the gym. I passed my card over to the employee.

He said, “Good morning.”

I said, “Good morning.” And then, I let out a great, big yawn. I hadn’t wanted to but, seriously, it was 4:30am.

We both laughed and he said, “Now, that’s motivation! Good for you!”

It was a nice moment, and it reminded me what a good job I’m doing – not smoking, eating right, hitting the gym just about every day. I can’t wait until I actually lose some weight and have something to show for it, you know?

Shrub keeps trying to hold us hostage...

It's called Terrorism. That is what our President practices.

He was against torture before he was for it...

Looks like McCain wants to be the Pro-War and Pro-Torture candidate because he voted against making torture illegal, which was legislation he himself supported up until just a few months ago!

Has the moratorium on the term "Flip Flopper" expired, yet? Can we use that?

Tits and Ass…

(Every year, I am required to write at least one entry that makes me look despicable. Here's this year's entry.)

It’s the day before Valentine’s Day and I figured it would be a good time to say this.

Middle-aged men should not go to college. Married middle-aged men (like me) should be restricted with extreme prejudice.

Here’s the thing: I go to Cal State Fullerton every Tuesday and Saturday for class. Every time I walk on that campus, my jaw drops a little, my libido boils a little, and my wedding ring constricts. I didn’t choose CSF for this reason but it is filled with beautiful, young – there’s some hot chicks, Jack! Swear to DOG! I got one chick in my Kid’s TV class who fills a sweater like you wouldn’t believe – not immense, just perfect. And there’s a girl in my Greek Philosophy class who epitomizes why evolution gave us legs. All across the campus, I am surrounded by the most amazing examples of femininity. It’s fucking awesome.

And I am 42 years old.

Now, don’t get the idea I’m drooling over these girls or staring at them, but you can’t help but notice and the drooling is all done on the inside. Listen, married men are still men, you know?

This is why you go to college in your twenties – so you enjoy partake of the fruit! I am old enough to be the father of most of these girls. I’m the old fart. And I get that, but geeeez, what lovely scenery!

Now, Vicky’s going to read this – and you’re probably thinking “You know, Vicky’s going to read this” – but believe me when I tell you she’d check me into a mental hospital if I didn’t notice these girls. There’s something wrong with any man who doesn’t see a women and not think, on some level at least, “Hmmmm…. Maybe….”

Of course, when I’m at school, it’s more like, “Shit, yeah.” “Hell, yeah.” “Fuck, yes.” “God damn.” “Holy shit.” and, of course, “Daddy wants candy.”

I’m an old perv.

But this will end when I get my degree… 30 or 40 years from now…

Because who needs the Constitution anyway...

Not only did they give Shrub everything he wanted, they did it on an election day. Illegal Wiretapping - Immunity - the whole kaboodle.

Seriously, are there just REPUBLICANS and republicans? What the hell happened to the Democrats?

Potomac Tuesday…

Another primary. Another reason to weigh in. Those who know me know I am a political junky. Vicky’s no football widow but she can’t understand why I get so crazy every time people cast votes.

So, what have we got? Well, we have two people in each of the two parties that has a chance in hell of winning. Normally, I’d be in with the Greens despite their lack of organization. Listen, folks, if there was a better party on the left, I’d change teams. The truth, though, is that for all of their disorganization, the Greens still have the best platform when it comes to ethics, honesty, and truth. Winning at any price just isn’t in there.

There’s still a chance I’ll vote for the Green candidate. But Obama has shown me enough to make me pause for a minute. (In this case, it’s a minute that lasts for the next nine months or so…)

So, what about Obama? He had a great run with this weekend’s primaries. His numbers are going up. He is “da man”. Clinton, on the other hand… is Clinton, nobody to “misunderestimate” (as our Village Idiot of a President has told us). It seems very clear that Obama is going to need Texas, probably Ohio and Virginia as well, is he wants the nomination. He gets this, most likely, with Edwards’ support, and if you look at their platforms it’s a good fit. Don’t worry about those Super Delegates. Once Clinton loses some more states, especially if she loses Texas, they will go Obama’s way.

On to the Republibots, who are acting especially robotic in not accepting their front runner, John McCain. They think he’s not “conservative” enough – as if holding up this puppet prez we got could be called liberal. Actually, Vicky and I were at breakfast on Sunday and listened to a gaggle of wizened, old, conservative women discuss how they should have been paying attention to McCain instead of Hillary because now they’re stuck with both “liberals”, and then lament about how much they loved Romney. This goes to show how easily duped they are. Anyone who calls Clinton, let alone McCain, a “liberal” does not know the meaning of the word. But this probably explains the increasing popularity of Huckleberry, the man who said he’d institute a Theocracy. But when you’re forced to choose between that and a Hundred-Year War (which was McCain’s suggestion about the middle east), well I guess Theocracy wins every time.

Anyway, I’m having fun watching the proceedings. Looks like the political season may last longer than football season, which for me lasts a few weeks. (Did I not mention I’m not a sports nut?)

You can call me Ray…

Maybe it’s just me, but have you ever met someone whose name doesn’t fit?

Back in high school, I had a make-up girl (it was my first play) whose name was Cheryl but “Susan” just fit her much better. She didn’t look like a Cheryl. She looked like a Susan. So, I called her Susan – and I was the only person who was allowed, by the way. (Suave and clueless all in one package!)

Well, it’s happened again. There’s this guy at work whose name is Ali. Oddly, he looks like an Ali. He sounds like an Ali, too. But I keep wanting to call him “Ray”. I say, “Good morning, Ra- Ali.”

Son of a bitch, you know?

So, here’s hoping I’m not the only person with this problem. Otherwise, I might have to talk to my wife…. Vicky…. Cause I don’t even DARE make that joke!

Dumbocrats - it's trademarked!...

So, the country is facing record deficits and a war we can't possibly pay for and in the face of a Republican party dead set on giving away any money we might have, we know we can rely on the Dumbocrats...

To give away even more!!!

This is a lot like a family with a mountain of debt charging all the ice cream they can eat on their VISA card.

Speaking of war crimes...

Secret military prisons where people can be illegally detained for the rest of their lives?

Yeah, we have them, too.

Now do you believe me?...

In case you didn’t catch this, it’s now on record that the United States has used torture under the watchful eye of George Bush.

Let the war crime trials commence.

A man of many words… too many…

This has always been a problem.

Diarrhea of the mouth, they used to call it. Now, it’s diarrhea of the fingers… well, it would be except that sounds gross…

The thing is, I received a rejection letter for my book, Climbing Maya, yesterday. Climbing Maya is about 90,000 words long. This publisher said they couldn’t use any book that was over 70,000 words. Normally, I’d have no objection to shortening the book a little but, in this case, that’s nearly a quarter! Climbing Maya was just too damned long!

Everything I had previously read seemed to point to 100k words as the length you’d need for a novel but how many words is it, really?

Yahoo Answers has a variety of… well, call them Answers at your peril.

They give numbers from 50k up to 80k. Truth be told, then, I might have been going a little long.

If that’s the case, though, I do have some good news as well. My present novel, Last Ditch, was laid out initially with an 80k word count. After this email, though, I’m dropping it down to 75k. Daughter of a One-Armed Man clocks in at 93k but I can edit that down to 85k pretty easily. Wormfood already clocks in at a tidy 76k. The new strategy, then, will be on shorter books with (obviously) tighter stories.

You know, cause one of these days publication would be nice. Honestly.

Vicky sent me one of these once...

... but, of course, she did it on piano.

I mean, she played the song on the piano.

Keith Olbermann comments on Shrub's FISA demands...

Aftermath…

In the aftermath of Monday’s SoU Address, which had better be Shrub’s final SoU – no declaring martial law, please! – things got messy.

As the song goes, there’s got to be a morning after. In our case, it was a mourning. Vicky was up part of the night, talking herself out of throwing up. I greeted the dawn with pure and painful hatred. You see, Vicky and I had started the speech agreeing that we would just enjoy a bottle of wine. No shots for us! No! Then, one bottle turned into two; we needed fortification through Shrub’s complete insanity. Then, as he somehow threaded together multiple key words – “We must stop the terrorists in Iraq who attacked on September 11th from Al Qaeda who – drink, goddamn it! DRINK!” – well, we just had to take out the tequila and commence with the drinking.

Yep… wine and tequila…

Welcome to hangover country.

The problem with Shrub’s speech wasn’t just that he was a lame duck but how filled with lies the damn thing was! It was a lie sandwich with a side of lies! The sheer scope of his lies was so epic as to refute any attempt at categorization but, suffice it to say, whenever he tried to attribute anything positive to his administration, it made me want to drink. And I really wanted someone to smack him. Hey, Nancy Pelosi! Do us all a favor for a change, will ya?!

One day later came the Florida primary. If I hadn’t gotten drunk the night before, I would have last night. The political field gets sorrier every day. Let’s recap.

On the Republican side, McCain won. McCain likes to be known as a maverick but he’s succeeded in making nice to the party that blackballed him eight years ago just fine. He sided with Bush on the war. He sided with Bush on the "surge". He sided with Bush on the flushing of the Constitution. He almost spoke out against torture but then made nice because he wanted to get Shrub’s job. McCain is a maverick like I’m an NBA star. He wants to keep funding an unwinnable war on the back of our grand-children. No, thank you. After him comes Romney, “Mittens” as Rachel Maddow calls him. (And, by the way, I just love Rachel. She is terrific, fantastic – she’s smart and funny on toast.) Mittens will change any view to get another vote, even if it costs him two more, because he has the money to spread any lie about the other guy he needs to win. He is not what you would call “Mister Dignity”. That brings us to Huckleberry, the guy who isn’t shy about turning our government from a messy democracy into a neat and tidy theocracy. Finally, the only person to pull double digits in Florida was Guliani. Here’s a guy who thinks that losing every primary on the way to Florida will help him win Florida. Here’s a shock: he lost Florida, too! Rumor has it he’s dropping out of the race. Thank god! When your only winning attribute is having your city attacked, odds are you’re not the Captain of Security you think you are, okay?

Now, the Dems. I don’t know where to start. So, ladies first. I read today that Edwards was dropping out of the race – What? There are no ladies! – and I have to say that it’s a shame. It’s also understandable. The fact is that Edwards is a perfectly viable candidate. He’d make a good president, far superior to that empty suit who currently inhabits the Oval Office. The problem is all about timing. Edwards is a good man but the thing is his timing stinks. He just happened to run in a year when he’s up against Barack Obama. More on that in a minute. As for Clinton, I am ashamed. Last night any support I had for her went away when she admitted to cheating. She said that she would make sure the Florida delegates were seated at the convention, when the primary rules state that they are not to be. (If you don’t understand why, you must read up!) Clinton wants to change the rules to work in her favor, which we all know from Kobayashi Maru is cheating. Our President should be an honorable person, a person who stands by what is right when the chips are down, rather than trying to change the facts to match a preconceived plan…. which sounds a lot like Shrub…

And that leaves Barack Obama. I wish Edwards wasn’t dropping out of the race because he’s a very good man but I can tolerate it because it leaves Barack Obama. If I were to vote for a Democrat – keeping in mind only two remain – it would be Barack. Simply put, we need him. We haven’t seen his like in my lifetime. If he can keep from getting shot, he’ll probably make a great president. Sadly, that’s not a joke. We live in a country filled with hateful people. I might not vote for Barack – I’m not a Dem, after all – but I hope he does win. (Greens aren’t known for voting for winners. They vote their conscience.)

And so, we’re through two days of rough, political events. Next week comes Super Tuesday… this is like the halfway mark in the political season. It probably won’t decide the candidate but it is bound to illuminate things quite a bit.

I can’t wait!

In case you missed Mr. Obama's speech on Saturday...

Without too much as prelude, let me just say that Barack Obama is giving me some hope in an otherwise depressing election cycle. What follows is a transcript of his speech given Saturday, January 26, 2008.


Over two weeks ago, we saw the people of Iowa proclaim that our time for change has come. But there were those who doubted this country’s desire for something new – who said Iowa was a fluke not to be repeated again.

Well, tonight, the cynics who believed that what began in the snows of Iowa was just an illusion were told a different story by the good people of South Carolina.

After four great contests in every corner of this country, we have the most votes, the most delegates, and the most diverse coalition of Americans we’ve seen in a long, long time.

They are young and old; rich and poor. They are black and white; Latino and Asian. They are Democrats from Des Moines and Independents from Concord; Republicans from rural Nevada and young people across this country who’ve never had a reason to participate until now. And in nine days, nearly half the nation will have the chance to join us in saying that we are tired of business-as-usual in Washington, we are hungry for change, and we are ready to believe again.

But if there’s anything we’ve been reminded of since Iowa, it’s that the kind of change we seek will not come easy. Partly because we have fine candidates in the field – fierce competitors, worthy of respect. And as contentious as this campaign may get, we have to remember that this is a contest for the Democratic nomination, and that all of us share an abiding desire to end the disastrous policies of the current administration.

But there are real differences between the candidates. We are looking for more than just a change of party in the White House. We’re looking to fundamentally change the status quo in Washington – a status quo that extends beyond any particular party. And right now, that status quo is fighting back with everything it’s got; with the same old tactics that divide and distract us from solving the problems people face, whether those problems are health care they can’t afford or a mortgage they cannot pay.

So this will not be easy. Make no mistake about what we’re up against.

We are up against the belief that it’s ok for lobbyists to dominate our government – that they are just part of the system in Washington. But we know that the undue influence of lobbyists is part of the problem, and this election is our chance to say that we’re not going to let them stand in our way anymore.

We are up against the conventional thinking that says your ability to lead as President comes from longevity in Washington or proximity to the White House. But we know that real leadership is about candor, and judgment, and the ability to rally Americans from all walks of life around a common purpose – a higher purpose.

We are up against decades of bitter partisanship that cause politicians to demonize their opponents instead of coming together to make college affordable or energy cleaner; it’s the kind of partisanship where you’re not even allowed to say that a Republican had an idea – even if it’s one you never agreed with. That kind of politics is bad for our party, it’s bad for our country, and this is our chance to end it once and for all.

We are up against the idea that it’s acceptable to say anything and do anything to win an election. We know that this is exactly what’s wrong with our politics; this is why people don’t believe what their leaders say anymore; this is why they tune out. And this election is our chance to give the American people a reason to believe again.

And what we’ve seen in these last weeks is that we’re also up against forces that are not the fault of any one campaign, but feed the habits that prevent us from being who we want to be as a nation. It’s the politics that uses religion as a wedge, and patriotism as a bludgeon. A politics that tells us that we have to think, act, and even vote within the confines of the categories that supposedly define us. The assumption that young people are apathetic. The assumption that Republicans won’t cross over. The assumption that the wealthy care nothing for the poor, and that the poor don’t vote. The assumption that African-Americans can’t support the white candidate; whites can’t support the African-American candidate; blacks and Latinos can’t come together.

But we are here tonight to say that this is not the America we believe in. I did not travel around this state over the last year and see a white South Carolina or a black South Carolina. I saw South Carolina. I saw crumbling schools that are stealing the future of black children and white children. I saw shuttered mills and homes for sale that once belonged to Americans from all walks of life, and men and women of every color and creed who serve together, and fight together, and bleed together under the same proud flag. I saw what America is, and I believe in what this country can be.

That is the country I see. That is the country you see. But now it is up to us to help the entire nation embrace this vision. Because in the end, we are not just up against the ingrained and destructive habits of Washington, we are also struggling against our own doubts, our own fears, and our own cynicism. The change we seek has always required great struggle and sacrifice. And so this is a battle in our own hearts and minds about what kind of country we want and how hard we’re willing to work for it.

So let me remind you tonight that change will not be easy. That change will take time. There will be setbacks, and false starts, and sometimes we will make mistakes. But as hard as it may seem, we cannot lose hope. Because there are people all across this country who are counting us; who can’t afford another four years without health care or good schools or decent wages because our leaders couldn’t come together and get it done.

Theirs are the stories and voices we carry on from South Carolina.

The mother who can’t get Medicaid to cover all the needs of her sick child – she needs us to pass a health care plan that cuts costs and makes health care available and affordable for every single American.

The teacher who works another shift at Dunkin Donuts after school just to make ends meet – she needs us to reform our education system so that she gets better pay, and more support, and her students get the resources they need to achieve their dreams.

The Maytag worker who is now competing with his own teenager for a $7-an-hour job at Wal-Mart because the factory he gave his life to shut its doors – he needs us to stop giving tax breaks to companies that ship our jobs overseas and start putting them in the pockets of working Americans who deserve it. And struggling homeowners. And seniors who should retire with dignity and respect.

The woman who told me that she hasn’t been able to breathe since the day her nephew left for Iraq, or the soldier who doesn’t know his child because he’s on his third or fourth tour of duty – they need us to come together and put an end to a war that should’ve never been authorized and never been waged.

The choice in this election is not between regions or religions or genders. It’s not about rich versus poor; young versus old; and it is not about black versus white.

It’s about the past versus the future.

It’s about whether we settle for the same divisions and distractions and drama that passes for politics today, or whether we reach for a politics of common sense, and innovation – a shared sacrifice and shared prosperity.

There are those who will continue to tell us we cannot do this. That we cannot have what we long for. That we are peddling false hopes.

But here’s what I know. I know that when people say we can’t overcome all the big money and influence in Washington, I think of the elderly woman who sent me a contribution the other day – an envelope that had a money order for $3.01 along with a verse of scripture tucked inside. So don’t tell us change isn’t possible.

When I hear the cynical talk that blacks and whites and Latinos can’t join together and work together, I’m reminded of the Latino brothers and sisters I organized with, and stood with, and fought with side by side for jobs and justice on the streets of Chicago. So don’t tell us change can’t happen.

When I hear that we’ll never overcome the racial divide in our politics, I think about that Republican woman who used to work for Strom Thurmond, who’s now devoted to educating inner-city children and who went out onto the streets of South Carolina and knocked on doors for this campaign. Don’t tell me we can’t change.

Yes we can change.

Yes we can heal this nation.

Yes we can seize our future.

And as we leave this state with a new wind at our backs, and take this journey across the country we love with the message we’ve carried from the plains of Iowa to the hills of New Hampshire; from the Nevada desert to the South Carolina coast; the same message we had when we were up and when we were down – that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope; and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people in three simple words:

Yes. We. Can.

Am I sick or is this funny?...

So, a teenager was arrested for plotting to highjack a commercial airliner and crash it into a Hannah Montana concert.

And I think this is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time.

Am I wrong? Or am I just plain wrong?

State of the Union… the drinking game…

Last year, Vicky and I had a great time watching Shrub give the State of the Union Address…

Wait. Don’t get me wrong here. We hate Shrub – can’t stand the man and his evil brand of hate mongering. No, it wasn’t him we enjoyed watching.

We enjoyed drinking. It dulls the pain of living under a Bush Regime. We can’t wait for 2009, for someone to trim that Bush! Hell, lazer that shit(head) off!

For those of you who are looking to join us this year, here’s what you do. It’s very easy. Whenever Shrub says any of the following words, take a drink. We’ll shorten the list this year because last year, to be honest, we got pretty hammered... and we'll probably be drinkin tequila this time... so... here's the list:

Terrorist
Terrorism
Extremism
Iraq
Iran
September 11
Freedom
Liberty
Surge

Enjoy!

About these tax rebates...

Are you buying this?

Last time Shrub gave rebates, we had a surplus to help keep the government running. Now, the Repugnicons have said from the beginning of the century that their plan was to starve the government so it could no longer afford to provide essential services such as welfare and social security - you know, the things they hate.

Now that the economy is tanking, they and the Dumbocrats(TM) decided it was a great time to give away more money they don't have.

Seriously. Do you think we'll never have to pay for the war? It's costing us over $340 million a day now. Do you really think spending $300 extra bucks will help things?

Bush lies? No, he makes “false statements”…

We’ve known about this for years: Bush lied/people died. Granted, we’re not going to do a damn thing about it, but there it is.

A new article on Yahoo shows that Shrub’s administration lied on 935 different occasions. Oh, wait. No. He didn’t “lie”. He “made false statements”. Because, you know, we wouldn’t want to attribute any actual blame for these “false statements”. No, they happened completely in a vacuum.

Fine. Whatever. Now that we know it was all bullshit, who is going to get us the hell out of Iraq?

... and in case you still don't believe it or know someone who still does not believe it - basically, for those of you who have been living beneath a rock - take a look at this.

An Apology to the Military… no, seriously…

Back in high school, I was made an official member of a Conscientious Objector group in Orange County as a result of some columns I wrote in the school paper. So, it’s clear that I’ve kept a clear distance from the military for quite some time.

For the purposes of this blog, however, let me make something clear. I hate the military. I don’t hate military personnel – we’ll get to that – but I do hate the military. In the US, it’s overblown, overemphasized, and overdone. We now make war on a whim and finance it on the backs of our great-grandchildren. For those defenders who would say they do some good, I’m looking at New Orleans and thinking “Not so much.” So, as an organization that is trained to kill human beings, I hate the military. As for military personnel, I do not hate them but I wouldn’t want to spend my free time with them. These are people who felt that the best they could do with their lives is to be trained to kill human beings – not my group. Are they beyond redemption? Probably not. Should they be given the chance? You bet. But when it comes to the military, I don’t want anything to do with them.

Does this include the National Guard? Probably not. After all, there is a chance some join to help others… with the whole killing thing as just a side benefit…

You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you all of this up front, aren’t you? Well, the reason is because, starting today, I am now managing a department that markets directly to the military. Yep. Go ahead. Say it. I deserve it. Without going into details, I am managing the marketing of programs and products to military spouses. These are people who marry those who feel that the best they can do with their lives is to be trained to kill human beings. Now, I know that you can’t choose who you fall in love with but I am also willing to guess that I probably wouldn’t get along on a personal level. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I’m better than them… oh, wait…. Actually, yes. I am saying I’m better than them. Sorry, but I think that the path I’ve chosen – to not kill or be with a killer – is preferable.

Which, again, makes me as a result of the job I now have, something of a two-faced asshole son of a bitch… etc. etc. etc.

Granted, I did not choose this role. In fact, I’ve fought it tooth and nail. Here’s the problem, though: I’m good at what I do.

I’m not going to be the only hypocrite in the lot, most likely. Marketing to the military has become big business, megabig! Everyone’s on the band wagon. I’m not saying that to excuse what I’m doing. I’m saying that because I think it’s important that you know something: We have a segment of our economy that is devoted solely to the business of killing and profiting from killing. That us, the good old USofA.

And quite frankly, it makes me sick.

And I’m beginning to miss Linksys…

Note to Jesus, Thor, and Buddha – you’re not so special…

This applies to everyone who claims virgin birth. The message: Big whoop!

Now that we can create clones out of skin cells, the allure of the virgin birth has been broken.

This isn’t science fiction. Mary’s immaculate conception can be duplicated in a lab now, using skin cells. Not so much of a miracle anymore!

I just love things that make religious fundamentalists squirm… like science… they hate science...

AMERICA'S NEW MONEY :)...

Just to keep you informed...

Finally get to watch West Wing…

Dear Writer’s Guild,

Thanks for the strike. Seriously. Thank you.

I’m not saying this because I’m a scab. No, I support you guys 100% and believe in what you’re doing. (But you might want to remember all this support once the strike is over. I’m a playwright, you know; I could help you with those scripts and you’ll have a lot of catching up to do when the time comes.)(Oh, and to all you production companies, just because I’m not willing to be a scab doesn’t mean a guy doesn’t like to be asked… I’m just saying…)

I just want to thank you because this complete lack of new televisionage, er televisionation, um televisionoodle – with no new shows (and, no, Cashmere Mafia is not a new show – it’s Sex & the City by way of Disney) I have finally convinced Vicky to watch The West Wing. For years, I’ve been trying but, every time I ask she gives me this look. It says, “I’m going to have think, won’t I?” And it’s really hard to say, “Not a lot.”

This is all Vicky’s fault, by the way. Completely.

Say what you want about Rosa but she kept expectations low. Nobody ever expected her to be able to think so, when she did, we were all pleasantly surprised. She had the good sense to put the purses and shoes and credit cards all up front where people could see them and go “Ooooh… so you married that….” Vicky, on the other hand, kept the purses and shoes (and, in her case, Nascar and Tim McGraw) far in the back. When we first started dating, she put her best foot forward, with the other foot holding the closet shut where all her secrets hid. I was completely bamboozled. She even had out a copy of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Now, listen, this was the book that changed my life; I was blown away. She even had a BIGGER copy of the book! Same book, sure, but it was BIGGER! Vicky didn’t bother to tell me that, though she read it, she hated the book. It put her to sleep. So, when I saw that, my first thought was, “I can watch West Wing with her! We can watch documentaries!” (I also wanted to do her. What can I say? Brainiac chicks are a turn-on.)

So, Vicky got herself into this mess, which has gone on since the day after the day we met… a while now. I’ve been trying to convince her to watch West Wing and, every time, she suddenly realizes she has some important… thing to do.

But, not anymore! With nothing on TV, she’ll HAVE to watch it! I have her now! Trapped!

So, please, keep up the good work.

Yours ever enviously,

Ken

Idiot boy has a brainstorm…

Now that tax-cuts for the rich and deregulation have starved the government, squeezed the poor, and make a mess of our economy (you surely don’t think the mortgage industry got into this mess because they were being too carefully regulated, do you?), Shrub has come up with a way to get us out of this mess: MORE TAX CUTS FOR THE RICH!

… can’t accuse him of being inconsistent…

Up is Down, Right is Wrong...

When you look to the Right Wing, to the so-called Social Conservatives, to the Neo-Con-Artists, keep in mind that they speak in Reverse Speak.

When they say that homosexuality is wrong, what they really mean is "Wanna join me in this stall?"

When they talk about the sins of adultery and lying, what they really mean is "I'm having sex with my brother's wife."

When they talk about how Democrats hate our country, what they really mean is "Hey al-Qaeda, wanna buy some secrets?"

Remember, the Right Wing is the paragon of morality... in Reverse Speak!

The hippie car... dude...

Seven years later... How's that oil-based economy working for you?

Finite resources demand finite demand… or so says logic…

Vicky and I were on the phone this morning talking about the new Chevy Tahoe hybrid, which gets 21 mpg. That’s not a typo. 21.

Now, I love Vicky to death (do us part) but her brand of logic was: People want big cars so auto makers should make big cars. People want big cars because they have large families and the only way to stop that would be to pass a law “like they have in China”. When Vicky gets like this, there’s no talking to her – or, at least, I can’t without saying something insulting. So, I got off the phone.

This really worries me.

Last night’s Democratic debate touched on this topic a bit. They even mentioned Shrub over in the mid-east begging for oil.

I look around and I see a world full of morons.

Listen. It’s very simple.

We have a finite amount of oil. I think we can all agree there’s no infinity well spewing out oil for us to use in perpetuity. So, we can agree on that at least, right?

Okay, so finite supply. This means that if we use it up it will all be gone. Following so far?

Okay. Now, cars with lower gas mileage use gas faster than cars with higher gas mileage. You understand that, right? So, by driving a car with lower gas mileage, you’re using up the oil. There will be less remaining. This also means that more people use more gas. Simple math – you can get behind that, can’t you?

Do you want to have oil for your children? Do you want them to have a world in economic turmoil and environmental catastrophe? Because this extends to other resources as well, you know: wood, metal, food – all finite resources work this way. Sure, we can grow more food and more wood but you can only grow so much.

Okay. Now, here’s the hard part. Ready? Fewer people use fewer resources. It’s just the converse of the above statement: More people use more resources. Therefore, if you have fewer people, you won’t have such a strain on resources. You can rely more on alternate energy sources because you don’t have to generate so much.

Now, to this idea that you need to pass a law “like they have in China”. Think about all the religions and ideologies that tell us that we should have lots of kids, not use birth control, and make abortions illegal. If people prevented pregnancy in the first place, we wouldn’t even need to talk about abortion. If there were fewer babies, there would be fewer people and less of a strain on limited resources. So, you eliminate those ideologies. Further, since the poor tend to have more children, you could help the poor – wait. Catch your breath. Now – help the poor. Educate them. Help them. Yes, even in Africa. Then, they would have fewer children and we would be using, yes, fewer resources. And we wouldn’t need Chevy Fucking Tahoes with 21 fucking miles per fucking hour. Get it?

No… I didn’t think so…

Worse still if you’re under 3…

Vicky sent me an email today. It was supposed to be a joke. It read:

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways ... yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in he-ll I was going to lay a bunch of cra-p like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that...I'm over the ripe old age of thirty , I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a da--mn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

1. When I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the da--mn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2. There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter ... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

… and it went on and on like that. No MP3s meant you had to shoplift music if you wanted to steal it. No call waiting or caller ID – No PS3 – No stadium seating – No hundreds of tv channels – No Cartoon Network – No microwave ovens (which was, of course, historically incorrect) – Heaven Forfend!!!!

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love me some irony… but something about the whole thing… it just wasn’t right. Maybe it’s because I was born prior to 1978 – you don’t want to know how prior – and, looking back, I know that things weren’t that bad. But, you know, that’s not it, either.

The fact of the matter is that anyone who says kids have it easy is just wrong. Completely wrong. I mean, just look at what they have to contend with! Prior to 1978, we didn't have AIDS. Not that I was having sex then but those who did partake could have sex without condoms. Anything they picked up could be cured with a shot or a cream – or, at least, it wouldn’t kill you! We didn't have global warming or $3.50/gallon gas. We could drive all we liked. We didn't have overfishing. We could eat all we liked. Maybe we felt guilty about tuna but we didn’t have to worry about all the toxins that now reside in fish – so many that women who are even thinking about getting pregnant need to steer clear! We didn't have to worry about Internet viruses or cell-phone cancer or death by plastic... let's face it. The under-30's don't have it that easy.

The world they are inheriting is hell in a shit storm and jokes like this minimize that. They make it okay for us to not care what happens to them, so we can leave the world just as much a mess as we like. You might be thinking that I should look into investing in a quality sense of humor but, please, don’t get me wrong. It’s not the under-30’s that I worry about so much. It’s the under-3’s and the under-2’s and those yet born.

Any child Vicky and I bring into the world will face a world far worse off than the one I came into and neither of us is absolved of guilt. None of us are. So… not funny.

To the folks in Stephenville, Texas…

Dozens of you see a UFO and nobody takes a picture? I understand that, while everyone in Southern California (including dogs and cats) might have a cell phone with a camera, you’re a farming community and all – but not one camera amongst you?

And, yet, one guy apparently sat and watched it through his gun’s telescopic lens…

I don’t know if I should laugh at your hallucinations or at your poor purchasing choices…

Shrub's answer...

High gas prices. Global warming. An economy in the dumper. Environmental turmoil.

Shrub's answer?

PUMP MORE OIL!

Of course. Why didn't we think of that! Here, I was thinking "alternative fuel source"... silly me!

(Remember when you folks loved this guy? Will you ever learn your lesson?)

Primarily Politics…

I follow presidential elections the way some people follow sports and I follow the sports the way some people follow similes. Truth be told, I don’t. And I think Vicky’s getting used to this. The other night, instead of asking me how the Giants were doing, she asked, “So, what’s the next primary we have coming up?”

For the last couple of weeks, Vicky has had to endure me watching the election results come in from Iowa and New Hampshire like I’d put down money. I hadn’t… tempting as it may be…

Why? Well, this is the future of our country we’re talking about, right? What else could be more interesting? I will admit that I’m a registered Green but, while there’s no viable Green candidate and while my request to work for the OC Greens was pretty rudely denied (I wasn’t in with the right group, it seems – which was my cue to wait things out until I found a new party or the Greens pulled their collective heads out of their collective asses), that doesn’t make the positions of Kucinich, Edwards, Obama, or Clinton less important to know.

(You want to know the Republican positions? McCain: The surge is working and we’ll only be in Iraq between 50 and 100 years. Giuliani: My city was attacked, which somehow makes me cool. Romney: You don’t have to be religious to like me, but it helps. Huckabee: Don’t tell anyone but I’m really progressive. So, who needs civil liberties? Thompson: Horizontal.)

At this point, my favorite candidates or Kucinich and Edwards, in that order, but I’m not naïve enough to actually believe they have a chance. That leaves Obama and Clinton, which puts everyone in the unenviable position of being either racist or sexist if you listen to the campaigns. By my way of thinking, the two sides making the same accusation of “____ist”, are mutually exclusive. When it comes down to it, though, Clinton’s accusation that Obama lacks experience is correct. At the same time, though, Clinton has too much baggage and, to my eye, is too conservative to be a good candidate. (Remember, she did vote for the Leiberman act that charged Iran’s military with terrorism, just the first step down a slippery toilet.)

I think Obama would make the best candidate exactly because of Clinton’s accusation. Look at Shrub. The first thing he did, a man with more political experience in abject failure than just about anyone, was bring in a lot of the old Republican guard from his dad’s day. Lots of experience put us where we are today. Experience in fucking things up isn’t exactly a good thing. Obama’s lack of experience would go a long way towards offsetting the last eight years, which has been an ugly experience.

Is he the best possible candidate? Probably not. But he’s far better than the alternatives.

Anyway, I started this by mentioning the primaries. Every time Vicky asks me when a primary is coming up, I wish there was some resource I could look at: a political calendar, say. Well, guess what: there is!

According to this, we have Michigan coming up tomorrow. The Republican South Carolina primary is on Saturday (the same day as Nevada’s caucus), with the Dems shot in SC coming the Saturday after. Then, Florida (with Giuliani finally supposed to enter the race – what a genius!) falls the Tuesday after that. Sadly, the primary after that could determine the whole thing. That one will determine delegates from Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Illinois, and on and on. A sweep on February 5th could call the whole thing and leave out most of the other states. I think we should call that calendar broke and ask someone to fix it.

So, on to Michigan. I’ll be watching the whole thing as I cook dinner. (I’m making us some pasta w/meat sauce. Yum.) This thing counts more for the Repugs than the Dems, as they will determine 30 delegates. The winning Democrat walks away with zero delegates, thanks to Michigan illegally moving the primary date. But the winner will also gain notoriety and momentum towards the following week. Doesn’t matter. I’ll still be glued in, watching the plays and the scores and all the action.

Bush says we should’a killed the Jews!…

Shrub, has only been allowed to give the answers:

• Cut taxes!
• I wasn’t there.
• It’s hard work.
• Bomb them!
  

Today, he decided to select this final choice when meeting in Isreal.

When the subject of Auschwitz came up, he gave his best guess at a solution: “We should’a bombed them!”

What a fucking genius.

(I know it's shooting fish in a barrel but sometimes you have to kill the fish.)

Viva! We're Horny!...

(You took a minute and asked yourself, “Do I really want to read this?” Didn't you? Yeah, I understand.)

Have you seen the new Viagra commercial? Bunch of guys sitting around inside an abandoned building singing about how horny they are to each other to the tune of “Viva! Las Vegas!”? Doesn’t that commercial give you the creeps?

I mean, seriously, what’s the story here? At some point, they all had to get together for one reason or another. Let’s say, just for the sake of argument, that they’re all in a band – in fact, let’s say they are a band. “Vas Deferens and his seven testes.” These guys really rocked back in the day – they were a hard act to follow – they stood proud and erect – they could all get it up, is the general point here.

Now, old men, all they can do is sit limply and strum flaccidly or stroke unresponsive keys.

Okay, I think the point is made.

But when did they decide, “Let’s sing about our inability to get a hard on!” At what point did this become an option?

“Wanna play Layla?”

“How about Paradise City?”

“I know what we should do! Let’s all sing together about our inability to get a hard on!”

What the fuck?

Now, I’d be lying to you if I said that was it. No, it gets worse!

After singing several refrains about their inability to please a woman, their pathetic manhoods, that bundle of skin that hangs from their lower abdomen with all the necessity of an exterior appendix, all the guys suddenly bolt out of the building. They run into the vehicles and drive off in a panic. It’s as if somewhere in the song an epiphany like a white hot shaft (forgive me) of light has struck them each in the forehead, saying, “They make a pill now that will make you hard. As long as you can remain in denial about it, you can pretend you’re still of some use when it comes to sex and it’s not all thanks to the pill. Because hard on pills are what this world needs – far more than, say, a solution to global warming or, perish the thought, actual fucking human intelligence – and now, you pathetic hick, now you can both beat your woman and rape her!”

And they drive off like a – well, like a man to Viagra.

And my hope for humanity threw up a little bit…

This is what happens when I'm up too fucking late...

... and I'm just too tired to write. I post music videos from albums out years ago! But, fuck it, I'm a Jason Lytle fan and I'm looking forward to whatever new shit he comes out with... he said, ending a sentence with a preposition... dammit...

A little evening music...

I found C11's first disk about a decade about in a Tower Records (RIP) in Long Beach. This is their latest...

Step into a glass booth...

Is mama for Obama?

Is someone furry for Huckleburry?

Are you right in every way but your candidate is Mr. Unelectabl - er - Kucinich? I know I am.

Try out Glass Booth and find out which way you swing!

DOJ torture investigation…

No, this isn’t about the investigation into torture on the part of the DOJ. This is about the DOJ’s torture of the word “investigation”.

Mucus-ey didn’t appoint an independent prosecutor. No… that would be the right thing to do. Apparently, he thought something far worse than Watergate – multiple violations of the Constitution by people within the White House, some referred to as “President” – did not warrant the treatment given Watergate. Instead, he ordered an inside guy, someone he could keep in line in case actual facts came to light.

Because they are not investigating torture, after all. They are investigating the destruction of evidence.

Remember when Libby was found guilty for obstruction of justice and they ignored that whole “Treason” thing. Yeah, same rules apply.

Remember that at a primary near you.

We’ll get to Heaven later…

What would the belief in Hell mean? What would the belief in a place created by an all-merciful God, where non-believers and no-good-nicks are punished for eternity, entail?

Even the worst tortures of man are temporary, while the tortures of hell are meant to last for eternity. Doesn’t this shorter period mean that, even at his worst, man is far more merciful than any God who would create Hell?

What does it say about Christians, Muslims, Jews, etc., who believe in a God far less merciful than the worst person who ever lived and who then call him “all-merciful”?

I think it says you gotta be pretty fucked up to believe it.

What is it about the Rose Parade???…

Vicky’s out there watching it right now. Not me. I can’t stand it.

I am far too optimistic about the nature of the human spirit to think that those idiot comment-taters (because, what else would you call those spuds for brains?) are paid to spew insipid tripe into the first day of the year. Therefore, I am left with no other option than to think that the producers of the show are holding their families hostage and have threatened to cut off a digit every time something intelligent is said.

That makes a lot more sense to me.

Looking at the bright side of fat…

Vicky and I were at South Coast Plaza yesterday – listen, I know, I’d normally never even go but Vicky had a gift card, so…

We made our way to Macy’s with the idea that we’d eat first and then watch Vicky go crazy with the shopping, but then we came upon the shoe department and, well, all was lost. So, I took off on my own.

Now, South Coast Plaza isn’t exactly a mall for men – well, not for men who aren’t clothes whores. (Would you believe that, until a few minutes ago, I thought the phrase was actually “clothes horse” and I thought it would be so much better if it were “clothes whore”… turns out, it is!) Normally, I’d hang out down at the book store or the electronic data of choice – DVD, CD, etc. – store. I’m a data whore. I love books and DVDs and CDs. I’m weird.

I would love to be a clothes whore. In fact, I think I’d make a great clothes whore. I was looking at these Armani suits yesterday that nearly made me… well, I liked them. The problem is, it’s tough to be a clothes whore when you’re fat. And I’m fat. I would never look as good in those clothes as, well, thin people would. So, I tend to admire all those cool clothes from far away… far, far away… from outside the store, actually.

My goal is to lose my “Vicky weight” – you know, all those pounds I’ve put on since Vicky and I were wed – and get back on stage. Once I get down in the 220 – 230 range, well, maybe then I can be a clothes whore, and I can start buying expensive suits and styles.

Oh, but wait, I had to return to Macy’s and find Vicky. Maybe one clothes whore is enough for one family…

And Santa gives toys worth $50 more this year…

According to Yahoo – you remember Yahoo? Our best source of news outside of Fox? – well, according to Yahoo’s crack team of We’ll-take-anything-and-post-it-as-a-news-story professionals, al-Qaeda is 75% gone from Iraq!

75% gone!

I’d love to know how they generated this number, because they surely didn’t just make it up!

Next thing they’ll be telling us is that Shrub has 10% more intelligence or that his humanity has increased a whopping 12%!

God is 7% more true!

Republicans are 31% less likely to be petty, hurtful, greed mongers!

And monkeys are 2% more likely to take flight from the cusp of my sphincter…

Is al-Qaeda the new Larry or Curly?...

Or Shemp?

Oftentimes, during Three Stooges shorts, Moe would do something and then blame it on one of the other guys… and then slap them in the head, of course. Nobody was ever the wiser.

Back on 9/11, very few people followed the money trail to see who would benefit most from the attack. The person who benefited most was Shrub, of course. He got his near-dictatorship (“near” so far). He got to surrender the treasury to his friends. He got to shit on the Constitution and make us all war criminals. But he said, “al- Qaeda did it!” and everyone believed him.

Yesterday, the world was plunged a little further into this mass-waterboarding with the assassination of Benazir Bhutto. General Musharraf has claimed that it’s the fault of his buddies al- Qaeda again, but who had the most to gain? Musharraf was going to lose the up-coming elections to Bhutto’s party, by all counts. He needed more chaos to keep his grip on power. And Bhutto’s family had already been wiped out by 60 or so years of tyranny, so what’s another?

What’s worse, however, is when Musharraf wants to have it both ways and has his people say that Bhutto did not die from a bullet wound or from a bomb. In an article that Yahoo, who is always good for a laugh when you look under the heading of “news”, they said she died from a bump on the head!

So… then al-Qaeda didn’t do it? She was just a clutz?

Just goes to show, as ’07 wraps up, that we will believe anything.

Two words: Harold & Kumar 2...

One's a symbol and one's a number! You thought you had me!

What? Oh, H&K, right.

Right here!

2007, a retrospective…

Long year.

Yep.

Guess we’ll be wrapping it up, huh?

Yeah, put it in the garage, next to 2006. There may be room under 2004. Just shove 2001 in the back; it didn’t turn out as cool as we’d hoped.

… where was I?

I’m going to chalk 2007 in the “Could have been worse” column. Economically, the bottom just about fell out in the US with all the foreclosures; we’ll leave that for 2008. We’ll leave the presidential election for 2008 as well, if Shrub lets us have one. The Repub-dicon nominees are a flock of people who can’t disavow all the scientific gains in the last several centuries fast enough – soon they’ll be arguing about who was the first to believe the earth was flat – while the Dems shout about the mess we’re in, while hedging over getting us out of it. There’s been only two exceptions: Kucinich and Dodd. Kucinich actually introduced impeachment papers into the House. Dodd stopped the Senate Dems from giving criminal phone companies the store after the phone companies cooperated with Shrub’s illegal wiretapping of… you. But neither Kucinich nor Dodd have a chance in hell of winning. They are not young enough, hip enough, cool enough, or unchallenging enough to be elected by a populace with an attention span that’s slipping faster than our collective IQs – wait, there goes another point. The Dems in Congress complained about Shrub’s illegal wars and continued to fund them with the verve of a closet cross-dresser at a Victoria’s Secret. Environmentally, the world came together in Bali to decide… they’ll talk about it later. Well, at least we’re consistent in our apathy. Too bad the victims of our apathy are our children – but if we really loved them we wouldn’t have global warming to worry about in the first place.

My hope for mankind was not changed in 2007. It remained in the shitter.

As for myself, 2007 was a pretty good year. I wrote three new books... and didn’t sell any… fuck. I started the year unemployed and ended it with a job I’ve learned to loathe. And Vicky and I are still together, which is a very good thing. I finished my first semester as a Junior at Cal State Fullerton and I’m still waiting for my instructor to grade my work and tell me if I passed… goddammit!

I’m 42 years old and I feel like I’ve crossed over marker in my life. I look back at all those years and I look forward to more to come. It could be many. It could be few. But one thing has grown in clarity. It may sound strange to you but the glance backwards shows me what lies on the road ahead. After over 19 years of growing up and 15 years with Rosa, four years before Vicky and more than three years with Vicky, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve lived an awfully long time. It’s hard to keep track of all those years. Some of them fall away. The older I get, the more the years will slip until it’ll be hard to keep track of any of it. Without my realizing it, my kinship has slipped from the young to the old. But that’s okay because I realize just how fortunate I’ve been. I’m not rushing to death as I once did but I’m not as afraid of it as I once was and I can live with my bride in peace and love.

I look forward to 2008 with the constant hope that things could get better. I remain optimistic… if doubtful.

Happy Christmas/War Is Over...

You gotta want it, people.

Happy Christmas (War Is Over)...

If you want it.

Just in time for Christmas...

(Everyone! Sing along!)

(To the tune of "Up on a rooftop"... as if you needed to be told...)

Up on the rooftop, reindeers paws
Nazis on dinosaurs kill the raindeer
Santa pulls out his AK-47
Sends those Nazis right to heaven

Chorus
Ho Ho Ho
Doin some blow
Ho Ho Ho
Out in the snow
Up on the rooftop
Sniff Sniff Sniff
Seein’ some shit is what you’ll git

Way up in Heaven, God laments
Look what got in through the vents
Admission standards have been slack
Send those Nazis straight down back

Repeat Chorus

Down in Hell, Satan’s confused
At what point did Nazis get dinosaurs, anyway?
He sips his eggnog and he ponders
Maybe they’re a new Christmas thing, he wonders

Repeat Chorus until infinity

Everything Matters…

What if you could sum up your philosophy in two words? What if you could put down what is important to you in just two, simple, common, every day terms?

How would you react?

Because that’s what I’ve done. And I’m not entirely sure I like it.

Everything matters.

Sounds like a bad play on my first (bad) play: Everything Changes. Sounds like a bad pun. Sounds like I’m going into politics.

I don’t know.

But in a world where everything gets marginalized – or, I should say, a society that does this – so we can become more and more vapid, where this is become a virtue, I am forced to admit that it cannot be said loudly enough.

Everything matters.

I don’t know if it came in a dream or out of the blue, if I saw it in a magazine or on a billboard, but there it is.

Everything matters.

Live with it. I have to. I see a book on the horizon...

Tell Congress to Stop Big Media!...

What can I say? I was hungry...

Deck the halls with lots of donuts
Fa la la la la la la la la
Tis the season when we go nuts
Fa la la la la la la la la

Down we now a glazed and bear claw
Fa la la la la la la la la
And a cream-filled chocolate-glazed bar
Fa la la la la la la la la

Fa la la la la la la la … burp…