Open-mindedness...

A little rational thinking is a refreshing thing.

Chris Jordan: Picturing excess...

Racism? Really?...

Turns out the US is boycotting a U.N. Conference on Racism because the anti-racism language before the conference refers to Isreal as racist, what with their horrible treatment of the Palestinians.

A Canadian Minister justified this by stating that such language was "anti-semetic".

Really?

So, let me get this straight. Is it anti-semetic to say anything unkind about Isreal or just this? Does it matter if it's the truth?

When people are afraid to speak the truth, nobody benefits.

About these banks...

Why is everyone so surprised that rich people who drove their companies into the toilet can't be trusted with money???

Palin-drone...

So, it turns out some psychologist has figured out that it was Sarah Palin's taste in clothes that cost the Republicants the presidential election.

Of course!

It makes so much sense!

It wasn't the fact the the Republicants are completely out of touch with reality.

It wasn't that they started a war against a nation who never attacked us.

It wasn't the "terrorist attack" during Shrub's presidency.

It wasn't how they squandered the budget surplus and drove the country into the toilet.

NO! It was Sarah Palin's fucking clothes!

... I close with the articles's opening quote (expurgated a bit for brevity): Newly released academic research suggests that Sarah Palin's sexiness ... may actually have hurt her vote-getting ability, which seems to be what elections are about.

I want these fucking drugs!!!

The “B” Word…

Whatever happened to Bimbos?

Vicky watches, to my immense chagrin, Real Housewives of Orange County. Back when I was a kid, people like that would be called Bimbos. Now, they’re admired nationwide for their… what? They’re fucking Bimbos!

Someone recently said that America has lost all of its capacity for shame. After Shrub, the Repugs in general, and things like this, I have to say I believe them.

Mind you, I’m a voice in the darkness here. The show’s a hit and considered a franchise. Bimbos everywhere have become validated, mainstream… today’s “ladies”.

But I call them Bimbos.

(Yes, push-up news is off this week. I blew it. But I'll be back next week with more pain...)

Push Ups… Week Four…

Whoever said this was easy is completely full of shi…

Oh wait…

Okay, it’s officially not easy. It’s officially hard!

… the pushups…

I finished Week Four with a nightly high of 144 pushups, maxing at 40 in a row in one set. That was in the middle of the week and it was so hard I nearly fell to the floor. I decided at that point to give myself a little break and moved from the toughest tier to the middle tier. Thinks only get tougher from here, though, and a single “week” might start taking more than a week to complete. I’ll keep you posted.

Catch you after Week Five!

Push Ups… Week Three…

FYI: This stopped being even remotely EASY! This week, I hit the wall of pain, where my body looked at my will and said, “The fuck?”…

I finished Week Three with a nightly high of 122 pushups, maxing at 30 in a row in one set. Still not 100 in a row? You bet, but hey it’s just the third week, right? And next week is even more brutal. I’m beginning to think that one “week” may take more than one week to accomplish. I’ll keep you posted.

Catch you after Week Four!

Barack Obama's Speech at the 2009 Lincoln Banquet (Part 2 of 2)

Barack Obama's Speech at the 2009 Lincoln Banquet (Part 1 of 2)

In case these post in the wrong order, be sure to view them in the right order. It's a terrific speech.

Push Ups… Week Two…

Before I say anything I’ll live to regret, like “This hasn’t been too bad” or, worse still, “This has been EASY!”… let me just say, all in all, it’s been a piece of cake.

Honestly. I think I’m getting used to it… a bit…I finished Week Two with a nightly high of 86 pushups, maxing at 25 in a row in one set. Not much? You bet, but hey it’s just the second week, right? I may not hit 100 pushups all at once next week but 100 in one night is coming!

Catch you after Week Three!

Push Ups… Week One…

Even though I lost my job, that doesn’t relieve me of my pushups, however nice relief might be.

But actually, it hasn’t been that bad. I finished Week One with a nightly high of 63 pushups, 20 in a row. Not much? You bet, but hey it’s the first week, right? The whole idea is not to go crazy but to build… I’m building…

Catch you after Week Two.

Another one bites the dust...

News from work... there is no work.

As you can see from One Path (you do read One Path, right?), I was laid off today.

Deja fucking Vu...

How big business works against us...

Look at this.

If you want to know why big businesses should not be protected for our benefit, look at this.

If you want to understand what we're up against, look at this.

If you think that big businesses are only there to help us, look at this.

If you believe that big business is your friend, look at this.

If you've bought into all of the anti-union propoganda, look at this.

Listen to their own words.

And remember.

100 pushups - are you crazy?...

That's what I said.

"One hundred pushups? Are you crazy?"

But why not?

This website is supposed to help you do 100 pushups, that is 100 at once, within six weeks.

I don't normally go for much more physical activity that putting the spoon in the ice cream and raising it to my mouth but this might be a cool experiment. Why not? It would be great to be able to say I can do 100 pushups!

First.... the pre-test.

See how many pushups you can do.

Hmmm... okay. That doesn't seem to hard.

I'm doing your standard pushup. Toes touching the ground - no knees. Arms bringing you down and pushing you up again.

So, I did the pre-test last night. The magic number was... 27. Twenty-seven pushups.

After twenty-seven, I felt like my arms were going to reject me and find another body. But, after a few minutes of panting, I also felt... pretty good. My arms felt buffed, my torso felt tight.

Hey, I might like this!

I'll let you know how week one went next Monday.

Meanwhile, back at work...

One of my coworkers got yelled at today. That part isn't really news-worthy. You get dragged into offices and yelled at quite a bit where I work. It's motivating.

Or, at least, I think they think it is.

Because my coworker was yelled at today for something outstanding. He was yelled at today... for being negative. Let me repeat that. He was pulled into an office with our boss who yelled at him for 15 minutes because he, my coworker, doesn't really like his job. Mind you, we were all lied to when we interviewed, we're treated like crap, our educations are going to waste as we do busy work...

... yelling at a guy is just the thing to make him forget that.

Interns and Execs...

That's all they hire at my company now. Interns and Execs.

They've created a whole new level of middle executive: Senior Director. He oversees the Directors and report to ... well, nobody. All the other positions are quickly being filled by Interns. Need an engineer? Hire an intern. Seriously. I applied for a Marketing Communications Writer position but they filled it with an Intern.

And so it goes.

I met one of the new interns today.

"Hi. I'm Angela," she said.

"Hi, Angela."

"No, Dangela."

"Dangela?"

"No, Gangela."

"Jumanji?"

Later, I found out her name was Dan-jor.

She's from fucking Krypton.

A note from the terminally unhip...

Make what you want of this but I'm not entirely comfortable with how forcibly hip the country is suddenly becoming. Seriously. Did you catch some of the Inauguration Celebration? It was like they were trying to forcefeed hipness into Washington, DC.

And I say forcibly hip because Washington, DC is one of the least hip places in the world. And it should be. Washington is a place for doing the country's business, not for Will.i.am to debut new national anthems! What's next? A new flag with every color ribbon you can imagine?

I'm just about reaching my limit to all this painfully hip celebrating. Yes. Hope. Great. First African American President. Understood. But pardon my cynicism while I wait for you to start prosecuting torturers and illegal wiretappers and war criminals and people who just generally cornholed the Constitution... then, I'll happily accept how hip you are.

Fessin' up...

Obama's being inaugurated tomorrow. Vicky's very excited. For my own part, I thought I'd look back to see what I said about him on this blog back when the election season first began, what my first impression was... and it's kinda sad. But I've decided to practice a little bit of intellectual honesty and own it, anyway.

Here's what I said after the first debate:

Obama. Where to start? I can’t begin to guess why he is so loathed by Republicans – you know, aside from being a wise black man, something can no more understand than a moral gay man. Yes, they exist, too. I wish he’d done better last night but he’s too easy put on defense and doesn’t have his talking points down. Does he have time for that? Ordinarily, sure. But not when the primary season begins this early. He needs to get strong NOW. He could be a great president… but, again, nobody’s going to vote for him. Why? Because America does not elect a black man. Call me cynical but it’s true and the Repugs are going to get repugnant and we know that.

Okay, let's see... Typos? Check. Repugnicans? Check.

Aside from the obvious gaffe - America does not elect a black man as President (MY BAD!) - two things stood out to show how much Obama grew during the election season. Early on, he was quick to play defense and he didn't really have his story, or talking points, down. Now, you can see how he really grew to control the narrative and got his message out. As a political junkie, these things are really interesting to me.

I'm glad I had faith in him even back then. (This was August of '07!) And I'm glad so many of us had faith (and, if you'll pardon me, hope) that a black man could be President. It's obvious Obama was elected for more reasons that just his race but it's good to see we didn't let that stop us.

Now, it's time to make predictions about his term in office... which I'll leave up to someone else, thank you very much!

Oba... ie the way...

Tomorrow is the big day. Vicky is taking the day off work to see the historic event. Two thirds of the country is going to pack itself into Washington, DC. And the oceans will part.

I swear. It's like the third coming of Jesus or something.

So, I figured I should comment... after all, that's what I do.

Here's the thing. Obama is just a guy. People seem to forget this. He's just a guy. A smart guy? Sure. An able guy? Of course. A perceptive guy? Honest? Hard working? You bet. You'll hear no argument from me.

But he's just a guy.

I keep hearing people talk about Obama and all the HOPE he's bringing, as if he's bringing Utopia - and I don't mean the band! Hell, even Mannie has caught Obama fever! And I'm afraid of what's going to happen the minute he fails at something. Or when he makes a mistake. Or when these hyperbolic expectations fail to get met.

People. Listen. He's just a guy. He'll do some good. He may do a lot of good. But he'll also screw up on occasion. Okay? Can you deal with that?

Because I'm afraid you can't. I'm afraid of what the Republicans are going to do the minute they see a chink in the armor. Oh, they're all bi-partisan now - they have to be - but the minute the see an opening, you and I know they'll go for blood. That's how it works.

So, do me a favor, stop putting him on a pedastal. He didn't ask to be there. All he wanted was to be President... not God.

Welcome to 1967...

I couldn't believe it. I even had to ask.

It was true. At my place of employment, people have started putting post-its on conference room doors. "This conference room is reserved by Bob's team for Thursday, 1/15 2-3pm." "This conference room is reserved by HR for Monday, 1/19 10-11:30." And on and on.

Turns out, this is my company's new - and, sadly, official - method of reseving conference rooms.

Boy. Just think how easily this will be once they invent computers!

Kitten of the Sea....

Okay, listen, I understand PETA wants us to start referring to fish as "sea kittens" in an attempt to make people eat less fish.

Fine. I get that.

But, I wonder… if fish are “sea kittens” does that make cats “land fish”? Have they considered the possibility that instead of eating less fish people might start eating more kittens.

Mmmmm... kittens....

Some things you just don't do...

And this entry will tell you how.

Seriously, I was in traffic school this weekend. You should never feel guilty about traffic school. Ever. But here I am. Ken... married... guilty...

I wouldn't even mention this except, well, I figure this is My Side - emphasis on MY - and I should be able to say these things somewhere, right?

Right?

Is it wrong to fall in love with your traffic school instructor?

Her name was Carla, and I didn't even notice her until she started speaking. Hell, I hadn't slept for three nights before; I was half asleep as I plodded in. But then, this little latina women, appearing like a cross between Vicky and Lisa Nelson (my first crush back in second grade), started talking about how a good perspective can create a positive attitude. She used the first half of the traffic school class like a motivational speaker! And, when I noticed her, I realized she was... making me think things a married guy wasn't supposed to think.

Listen, things between Vicky and I haven't been perfect lately and it's easy for me to think about insurance in case things get worse. But I wasn't going to make my admiration for this woman what this was going to be about. Because we have options. I can go right from "She's amazing" to "Let's see if she's single" and ruin my marriage in the process, or I can just stop at "She's amazing". And she really was. Beautiful, smart, funny... amazing... everything Vicky was when I first met her.

And the fact is, Vicky still is these things. Sure, I've got some issues with her aversion to exercise. There are some things I wish she'd work on. She isn't quick to give affection and she's often cold. And I'm starting to realize that I had some of these same problems with Rosa. But that doesn't mean I should hope Carla's going to be standing behind Door #3. Instead, I need to invest in the relationship I've got. So, I watched Carla do her thing and enjoyed watching Carla do her thing and actually enjoyed my day at traffic school.

Then, I went home to Vicky.

What is this thing called FRAUD...

And here's a follow up to the story of our very depressed engineer who moonlights as a writer (see below) ...

We finished the datasheet. Now, the sales department can begin selling it.

One problem: The product doesn't exist. In fact, it can't exist. The company can't afford the investment required to make it.

So, they're going to sell it and delay shipment (because they don't have it) until they have enough orders to justify actually making the product.

Hmmm... they're selling a product that doesn't exist... where's my dictionary? I think I want to look up the word "fraud".

Defeatism as Corporate Culture...

As I might have mentioned, my position here at work - in fact, my entire team - is pretty unnecessary. Our job description is to create datasheets and product packaging but nobody lets us write and the graphics and layouts are done elsewhere.

But sometimes, something slips through... and sometimes it gets scary.

So, yesterday before I left, I was given a datasheet to proofread. I was given it by an engineer who had written it from scratch. I asked, "Do you want me to correct it?" He said, "No. I just want to make sure all of my writing is in there as I wrote it." Right.

So, I went over it this morning. It was for a product that has been stripped down because my company can't afford to make it with all the bells and whistles the engineer wanted. Here's what it said, "While most ____ have (features we don't include), (our product) keeps it simple." Seriously, it said "keeps it simple" to mean "just can't do it". It went on to talk about all the features we won't be offering, one paragraph at a time...

So, being stupid, I went over and asked the engineer if he was sure he wanted to go this way. (I know they'll eventually blame me because I'm supposed to be the writer, even though they won't allow me to change what the engineers write.) He said, "What's wrong with it?" I replied, "Usually, marketing writing tries to find the virtue in a product and emphasize that." His answer, "But this isn't marketing writing. It's for sales!"

... at which point, my brain imploded...

I gotta find a new job.

How to know when you work for the insane...

This was actually said by my employer today with regards to business development:

"It's not just that you're supposed to guess. The trick is that it's a good guess."

Come the Revolution...

You know what you don't hear about any more? Revolution.

Used to be that you'd hear people talk about it all the time. There were black revolutionaries, hippie revolutionaries, radical revolutionaries - plenty of people wanted to change the world in a revolution. Then, sometime during 1980's I think, it just went away... during the Republican Revolution, I think.

I was thinking about revolution the other day and how that's the one thing folks in power want to avoid. They want to keep their jobs, you know? The Romans had a great way of supressing revolution: shows and 'ho's. They gave their citizens the finest competitive sports of the day, gladiators, along with plenty of booze and fun. The Nazi's gave people bread; that's all it took.

And now, I think we've been silenced by iPods and cell phones and pcs and satellite radio, technology has lulled us to sleep. The poor can be ignored, the hungry silenced, the homeless unseen, and the disenfranchised tuned out like magic.

Now, of course, the Republican Revolution is over and they're left with the doomed figureheads of Palin and Jeb Bush, Mitch McConnel and Limbaugh. And I wonder... It was never the Republicans who shut us up even though they benefitted from our greed. I wonder if now in a time when people are losing their jobs and their homes and their savings, when digital media is less of a priority and food to eat more of a necessity, I wonder if we'll hear that word again.

Revolution.

I pity Obama if that comes to pass. It won't be his fault.

It's all about timing.

War for Peace...

When I saw this headline today, I was struck by the irony - Isrealis will keep killing Palestinians until there's peace.

Now, there's a valid argument either way as to who shot first. We'll never know. But it says something about how easily we humans can rationalize murder on any scale that things like this can be said with a straight face.

The most ironic book title... ever...

Power of Less, The: The Fine Art of Limiting Yourself to the Essential...in Business and in Life

... not if you buy it... fuckers...

The end of "Green"...

This may be old news to some but I figured that, with 2008 fading into memory, it's time we retired the term "Green", too.

Let's face it. "Green" has become a marketing term. What used to refer to something being at least less harmful for the environment, has been reduced to so much lip service.

My company, for instance, has a line of "Green" products. They're determined to be "Green" because they use less power than other products... but please don't ask for relevance. It's pointless, meaningless, crap. Ignore it.

We need a new word for "Green"... or we need to smack people who fuck with language...

Fallout 3... a quick review... amended...

If only it didn't crash every FIVE FUCKING MINUTES!!!!

(It's not a defect; it's a feature...)

Fallout 3... a quick review...

Oh, yes!

Oh, shit yes!

HOLY MOTHER OF COCK! YOU'VE LIT MY BALLS AFLAME!

AND IT IS GOOD!!!!!

Passing this along...

I don't know if you can summarize wisdom into a list but someone has tried and has done a pretty decent job of it, too, I must say. It may not be perfect, but it's better than most.

Take a look. You might learn something before you're done...


1. SELF-MANAGEMENT AND PEOPLE SKILLS ARE THE KEYS TO YOUR SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS.

2. YOU ARE AT THE CENTER OF YOUR UNIVERSE. STAY THERE!

3. WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT MOST IS WHAT YOU GET.

4. YOU MAKE YOUR HABITS AND THEN YOUR HABITS MAKE YOU.

5. GUILT ENSLAVES YOU. RESPONSIBILITY LIBERATES YOU.

6. "OBLIGATIONS" ARE A FRAUD.

7. EXPECT LESS FROM OTHERS AND MORE FROM YOURSELF.

8. NOBODY WAKES UP IN THE MORNING CHOOSING TO BE THE VILLAIN.

9. THERE IS NO "HAPPILY EVER AFTER" IN THE REAL WORLD.

10. THERE IS A HELL, AND IT STARTS EARLY.

11. YOU CAN CREATE PARADISE ON EARTH. MANY PEOPLE DO.

12. IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO CHANGE.

Need I even say it?...

Bush says says there's 'no debate' about his keeping US safe...

unless you want to count 9/11...

Bush took office before that happened, fyi...

Never fucking cute enough...

"Rom-coms have been blamed by relationship experts at Heriot Watt University for promoting unrealistic expectations when it comes to love."

I've been saying this for years and now somebody has done a study.

I'm right.

Just look at it. How the hell can anyone live up to these damned things? I'm a guy who has spent his life being taken for granted, taken advantage, all the while towing the immense expectations romantic comedies expect us to live up to! I guess it's good timing, then, because this is one guy who is getting tired of trying to live up to the perfection romantic comedies say I'm supposed to provide. Hey, at best, I'm flawed. I'm sick of these movies telling women that they shouldn't settle for someone who isn't rich or perfect.

Now to take on those fucking sports films...

Coming down to who you trust...

Now that the GM/Chrysler Bailout has been killed by Senate Republicans, I guess the question comes down to "Who do you trust? The UAW, that made concession after concession, or the Senate Republicans, whose intent to destroy the union is on record?"

I mean Intentional Ones...

You know what you never see?

Wedding Clowns.

(That's all I have on that one... for now, at least...)

How do I get myself into these things?...

The subject heading is a misnomer, sarcasm at best.

This morning, I didn't get much of a chance to hear my alarm go off. Vicky startled me with, "Turn off your alarm!" and I did... and fell back asleep...

I got a call about a replacement being needed for a show that was already having performances. It was a show I'd already done, so everyone assumed I'd know my lines. Of course, once I got on stage, this little, dinky box stage that was deeper than it was wide, I needed to constantly refer to the script so obviously it was embarrassing.

"Tell me now! Tell me what I did was right! Tell me before I plunge this dagger through my heart!" This was only followed by a "shuffle shuffle shuffle" as I scanned through the script for my line as she held the knife aloft, dramatically, ready to plunge it... "Um... Yes. You did."

It was a play about vampires and I was dressed in the layered outfit with a huge overcoat on top. It had to be huge, cause so was I! I was fat, slow, forgetful, and unable to maneuver through the simplest exchange. Soon, I realized all of the other actors carried scripts as well and we were being booed. Then, Act One ended.

I couldn't believe it. "This is crazy," I told the director. "Absolutely crazy. I'm better than this! I know I am! This is inexcusable!"

"So? What are you going to do?" he asked.

"I'm going to go through the script and memorize the lines!" I told him.

There were some further exchanges in there about football players at halftime being pissed off because they weren't playing to their fullest potential and that was me. I knew I had only 15 minutes at most to memorize Act Two and I scanned through the script but I couldn't find the lines. Page after page was covered in advertisements. The director told me that was the only way they could afford to print scripts any more.

And then, the curtain was coming up and I hadn't even found Act Two, yet.

And the lights were on me...

And I woke up. Grateful to be in my bed.

I knew I was trying to tell myself I was out of practice, out of shape, inexcusably absent from the stage... but, hopefully, when I do return, it'll go slightly better than that.

With SNL like this, I might have to start watching again...

It's positively SCTV-ian!

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

Ranting against Obama....

Here's the short version. Obama and Clinton went at it during the primary. Now, Obama appoints Clinton his Sec'o'State. And, when some reporter asks him where the big change came, he acts cute about it.

Now, listen, I support Obama but, more importantly, I support a change from the Bush years. And if there's one thing Bush was great at was getting all cute instead of answering questions. We don't need that.

But here's what really got to me...

I was reading Huffington Post today and there was a story about how Campbell Brown took offense at Obama's response. I understood; I felt the same way. But I was appalled at the comments by the readers, supporters of Obama, who employed the same vitriol and took the same umbrage with reason as Bush supporters have whenever he's been asked a question during these past eight years. What the hell is that? Folks, it's one thing to support Obama but, when he does wrong, it is up to us to call him on it. Even if it's just between us and never reaches his ears. Because the tiny voices of many can be a roar that keeps him on the straight and narrow.

The last thing we need is a bunch of blind followers. That's what led us to Iraq, and torture, and our failed economy... and on and on... we don't need more.

Token Bro...

Backstory: Harley, our lovely little Maine Coon cat, has taken to napping on the stairs...

Mainstory: I was heading down the stairs in the dark the other night...

Pointtothestory: I broke my fucking pinkie toe!!!!

Harley was squished but is just fine.

Annie Potts in Designing Women starring in...

Vicky and I did something a little different Saturday night.

No, I'm not talking about "things you lube"...

Since I hadn't heard any feedback yet on Murielle's Big Date, we decided to give it a read ourselves. With four characters, Vicky would read two and I would read two. In the end, it was a lot of fun. It's a very funny plan.

The best part, though, was Vicky, because she felt it necessary to give each of her characters their own voice. One character she read in her own voice. The other character, well, had me laughing and laughing. Now, Vicky's not used to getting laughs so I think she took offense.

"Why are you laughing?" she asked.

"Because you sound like Annie Potts in Designing Women!"

And she did. It was fucking hilarious!

Writing this now, I realize she actually sounded like a cross between Amy Madigan and Annie Potts in Designing Women, which makes it even funnier!

Aliens, Ghosts, and God... oh my!...

So, there's this new study that says that more people believe in aliens and ghosts than God.

Now, listen, I'm no big believer in God... at all, but I'm equally not a believer in ghosts or aliens...

Wait. Let me rephrase that.

It's not that I don't believe in God. It's that any God who may exist is completely irrelevant.

Ghosts, on the other hand, are just goofy bullshit. Come on! The spirits of the dead? Really? Are we five?

When it comes to aliens, it's a matter of defining your terms. Do I believe that life could exist elsewhere in the universe? Absolutely. Do I think they're interested in our anuses? No! And it's just fucked up that some people spend their time obsessing on that.

Seriously, people, pack up your aliens and your ghosts away with your Gods and pop your religion in there, too.

Grow up.

Wherein I make my triumphant return...

There were no horns sounded, no banners... actually, it wasn't all that triumphant, really.

But Eric introduced me as "Author, Actor, Director, and Playwright: Ken La Salle" and that was pretty cool. For those of you who don't know, "Ken La Salle" is a pseudonym; he is my better alter-ego. And it's nice to be him sometimes, not just the guy with the dead-end job going nowhere in life with far too few friends... It's nice to retreat back to Ken La Salle now and then.

So, who is Eric? He's the ringleader of the Orange County Playwright's Alliance. Yes, I've rejoined OCPA. Figured it was time. I've got plays and they've got connections - their connections are about as dicey as my plays. Still, it's nice to be living as Ken La Salle again.

Car loans...

I was just wondering... what do you think it does to an economy to have $700 billion just lying around? To have a Congress with a pile on money say, "Gee... whatever will we do with all of this cash?"

You think it might encourage people - like, say, automobile manufacturers - to want it? To come up with reasons they gotta have it? To fly their private jets out and get it?

Yeah, that's what I thought. This is turning into a great object lesson of what NOT to do in a financial crisis...

It's not like I'm asking for the world...

So, today I came up with a possible topic for my philosohpy paper: Constructing a Theory of Free Will on Newton's Laws of Motion.

Eclectic yet applicable, I figured I had a winner that could not help but impress.

My co-worker, Kathy, an attractive, young thing, asked me if I'd come up with a topic. I said, "Yes, I'm going to write about constructing a workable theory of free will from Newton's Laws of Motion."

"Oh," she said. "Well, good luck." And how did she sound? Bored. She sounded bored.

Free will! You know, that thing nobody knows if we have or not. I'm going to construct a workable theory about it based on Newtonian physics, which is like using a paper clip and bubble gum!

... seriously, I’m like the black hole of impressive…

Special Comment on Proposition 8 ~ Keith Olbermann...

If these words have moved you, if you're a decent human being who does not wish to have the rights of others removed through hate - and if you're a citizen of California - sign this petition to stop Prop 8.

http://www.couragecampaign.org/page/s/repealprop8

Perspective...

Richard Schiff has written a thing or two about what comes next and how we move forward over at Huffington Post. (And I'm too busy to actually write anything myself...)


"The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat."

Still euphoric from the night before, I opened the newspaper to soak up the world's reaction to America's triumph. I enjoyed that. Buried on a page deep inside and below the fold was a story of sobering force. A girl, Aisha, thirteen years old had been raped by three men in Somalia . Her parents brought the girl to the authorities to report the crime. The Muslim elders ruled that the girl had committed adultery and should be stoned to death. That happened. On the same day Americans elected as their president a man whose sometimes silent middle name is Hussein, that happened. I stayed stuck reading and rereading this story. Aisha feels like that story you hear or read about the soldier who died after the war was over because word had not yet reached that battlefield. Of course the rest of the world is not as dumb as me. Nor am I really that dumb. Of course Aisha won't be the last. Of course.

Newsweek reflects on the race...

I'm not usually the biggest fan of Newsweek's writing but they've started printing a retrospective on the campaign that I think is just terrific. I wish I could tell you who the writer is but I can't find the byline... I'm lazy...

But give it a read. I think you'll find it very interesting. It's a bit Democrat-centric but McCain gets his due in future installments and it's certainly worth it for some insight into a truly historic race.

Darkness on the Edge of Town...

I can never pass up an opportunity to make a blatant reference to the Boss...

Looks like my days of riding my bike to work are over for a while.

Mind you, I had to stop for a while there because it was just getting too dark in the morning. Wait for the time change, I thought, and so I did.

"But then it'll be too dark at night," Vicky warned me. Hush now, woman! Let not your tiny mind blind you to my master pl...

Huh? Oh, lookie there. It's kinda dark.

Well, shit.

So, now I just have to wait for February or March. Maybe then, it'll be light enough at night to let me ride home in some relative non-darkness... maybe...

You know, I keep losing opportunities to ride and it's driving me crazy. Here in Southern California, I'm not used to having things like weather affect my life. Dammit. So, I'll keep hitting the gym during the week for my weekend rides... and look forward to spring...

Not buying the big lie...

John Cusack... yes, that one... Joan's brother - has my admiration for the exceptionally well-written piece posted today on Huffington Post. A portion follows but reading of its entirety is mandatory:


In the pre-capitalist reality, James Madison said when he put power in the hands of the business elite, he would be entrusting "enlightened statesmen and benevolent philosophers who would devote themselves to the welfare of all."

Clearly, he believed this statement in the way I guess some modern Republicans do. The only problem was that he eventually realized this didn't work and in 1792, disillusioned and worried about the democratic experiment, condemned what he called "the daring depravity of the times." He went on to denounce the business elites who, given ultimate power, "become tools and tyrants of government...they overwhelm government with their powers and combinations and are bribed by its largesse." That's how he perceived the system he had helped design. In 2008, this is an apt description of the Republican relationship to government and power.

Finally, some blue light, tectonic plate shifts, a sea change, we hear... a wave of despair carrying us to a new place. The bastards are finally meeting their grisly ends and will be discarded and abandoned as men come to power who will actually try to govern. I know we're supposed to be civil but I'm not a real believer in this method when dealing with crimes.

What does the sea change mean? How can we help people understand what is happening and help them contextualize it?

First the past: Senator McCain, Governor Palin and assorted surrogates are delusional and breathtakingly corrupt. They disgrace themselves and their country as they lie, smear, slur and write it off as political manner.

Yet the creeping truth must frighten them late at night: there is no currency left to buy the big lies.

There is no more money left to loan or borrow the big lies or to sell them. No more money left to pay off the debt, the wreckage in the wake. The orgy of excess has drained every bottle, smashed the furniture and left the cupboards bare. All that's left is derivative debts -- bets between liars and lies. Trillions of dollars. Turned capitalism into a Ponzi scheme for trading worthless paper. No real value anywhere. No matter how much money Ben Bernanke prints.

We are asked to stand over the abyss and experience our own destruction as another political game show -- just another surreal horse race. We watch millionaires and paid Republican hacks appear on television yelling "Socialist!" at Obama as if the Bolsheviks are coming to rape our daughters. These are the same people who oversaw the greatest upward redistribution of wealth in the history of this country. The same people who, through general lawlessness and a privatization frenzy, succeeded in shredding the Constitution, turning war, illegal domestic spying, security, border patrol, interrogation, and even torture into profitable industries gorging on the state.

Best Pro-8 ad EVER...

As I'm pulling into work this morning, a radio advert tells me that homosexuals now have every right straight people have. They can vote. They can own property. They can even walk down the street without being lynched in most places. Isn't that enough?

The "do they really need to be equal" argument is not new to me, probably because I remember hearing adults use it about black people when I was a kid. "Do we have to let them live in our neighborhood and marry white women?" they'd say. The answer was a resounding, "Yes, and shut the fuck up."

If you find yourself asking if homosexuals really deserve all the same rights as everyone else on election day, remind yourself just how petty, intolerant, and outright ignorant you sound, punch yourself in the mouth really hard, and vote NO on 8.

The more they stay the same...

I hit the gym this morning - looks like the sun refused to get up early enough for a bike ride in the morning, for a while at least. So, I'll have to start hitting the gym pretty regularly. It was nice, though. All this cycling has kept me fit enough to start jogging and cycling in the gym with no trouble at all. It's nice not to wheeze and pant.

Anyway, they had Fox News up on the screen - the biggest reason NOT to go to 24 Hour Fitness if you can help it. I already have a membership, which is so cheap I basically just have to suck it up. Still, I hate watching Fox News.

That said, it's nice to know they are still running as far from truth and honesty as before - which leads to my political comment for the day.

The Republican Party and their ilk have been going so amazingly out of control, I'm surprised no one speaks out. George Will, where are you? First, they claimed that Obama was the most liberal member of Congress, which put the joke on Kucinich. Then, they claimed he was a Socialist, which is laughable when you see how centrist his politics are. But then, they made the jump to the "most liberal politician ever" (a quote yesterday from McCain) and claims that Obama is a Marxist.

Marxist? As in "Proletariat Revolution"? Nyet, Komrad! Say it ain't so, Joe! Seriously, has anyone asked the Communist Party how they feel about this? Most likely, they see Obama's politics as positively oppressive! Anyone who claims Obama's a Marxist just learned the word and obviously does not know a thing about Marxism.

But this goes even deeper, I think. That they believe they have to make their claims against Obama more and more extreme, taking headers into claims that he is on par with terrorists, shows a basic distrust of their party's message. Think about it. The Republican attack against Kerry was that he couldn't make up his mind. Against Gore, it was that he was too liberal and tied to Clinton. Against Clinton, it was that he was too liberal (it's a popular refrain). Against Dukakis, it was that he made hasty decisions. But go back as far as you want and you won't find such absurd claims made by a major party's candidate. You won't see one candidate saying of another that he "pals with terrorist" or that he "is a terrorist". You won't see a candidate embracing race baiting to create fear of the other candidate. It's not enough for them to say "We're the party of small government" because it's obviously not true. They can't say "We're against special interests"; look at their energy policy.

The Republican Party has become the party of war, of tax cuts for the rich, of squandered opportunity, of economic turmoil, of lies and deceit, of creationistic denial of science on a scale not seen since the flat earthers, of hypocrisy on a grand scale, of Orwellian NewSpeak, of intolerance and hate. And I am left to wonder how anyone could call themselves Republican. How could anyone who believes in the right to life because of religious faith call themselves Republican when the Republican Party is responsible for a war against a nation that never did anything to harm us? How could anyone who believes in fiscal conservatism call themselves Republican when the Republican Party squandered the surplus, giving it away to the wealthiest one percent? How could anyone who works for a living call themselves a Republican when the Republican Party platform provides tax breaks to the rich and increases taxes on the middle class? How could anyone with a conscious vote Republican?

You probably expect me to end this with an endorsement for Barack Obama. Okay. I won't let you down. But let me begin by stating that I am not a Democrat. I'm a member of the Green Party, having left the Democratic Party when they sided too many times with the Republicans, when they allowed themselves to acquiesce to those ethically lesser and drive our nation into a far darker place. So, with that said, why am I supporting Obama? Necessity. I told Vicky when the primaries began that I would vote based on a simple criteria: truth. During this election, only one candidate remained true. Only one refrained from telling the most outrageous lies to win a vote. Only one stayed true to the American people. Only one stuck by his principles of decency and refused to make truth the first victim. McCain and his Hockey Mom have found themselves caught in one lie after another. They laugh them off with contempt for truth and for the American people. But Barack Obama passed my criteria: he told the truth.

Those of you who know me know that I am passionate about politics and I know what I'm talking about. I take it very seriously and would never endorse someone I did not believe was the best person for the job. It's never an issue of "who has the best chance to win" because that is the fastest route to pandering. It's also not a matter of "who is the most popular", though Obama is; I won't deny that. Vicky believed in Obama long before me, believing in him the way some people find religion. But I stayed back, watching as lie after lie was cast upon him and as he brushed them off and refused to let them tarnish him.

Will he make mistakes? Undoubtedly. All people do. But I believe he will face every challenge with an honesty and decency that his Republican opponents couldn't find with both hands, a map, a sherpa, and a GPS. He'll face them true to the American people, something his opponents have shown they are not capable of. Finally, he'll face them with a spirit of honesty that has him prepared for the worst without sinking to the worst. That's what matters most. That's why he has my vote.

That is why I am asking you to join me in supporting Barack Obama and Joe Biden. Thanks for reading.

A Vote for 8 is a Vote for Hate...

I've been seeing some pretty fucking dumb pro-8 signs lately. Proposition 8, for those who might now know, takes the right to be married (the merits of which are arguable) and removes it from men and women in California, based on who they love. Under Proposition 8, you have to love who the government tells you to love or you can't be married.

The signs I've read so far have read:

Prop 8 = Free Speech, because intolerant hate-mongers should be allowed to say whatever they want...

Prop 8 = Parental Rights, because intolerant hate-mongers should be allowed to raise their children however they want and restrict their childrens rights however they want...

Prop 8 = Religious Freedom, because intolerant hate-mongers should be allowed to force you to believe however they want you to believe...

With this in mind, I thought I'd help out where I can. I'm always here to help.

Prop 8 = Democracy, how can this be a democracy if we can't take away your rights...

Prop 8 = Freedom, because you don't want to see intolerant hate-mongers like us angry... you wouldn't like intolerant hate-mongers like us when we're angry...

Prop 8 = Less Traffic, we will get out of our cars and walk away if you don't vote the way we want you to vote...

Prop 8 = Right to Bear Arms, think about it, you think we haven't already started stockpiling guns...

Prop 8 = Air, that's right, bitch, you like to breathe, mother-fucker...

Prop 8 = Life, we will fucking kill you if you don't vote the way we want you to vote...

There you go. My mind is changed. Everyone should vote for Proposition 8, to respect the rights of hate-mongers whose world-view is so fragile and fucking whacko that they can't permit someone to do something that in no way effects them at all.

Wassup Now...

Political politics politically politicking...

I haven't mentioned anything political in a while. I haven't had to. McCain and Palin are such obvious parodies of themselves, nobody is listening, so I haven't had to worry. Obama/Biden make a decent choice as far as moving in the right direction, so.... I mean, I'd prefer a strong, Green candidate but since those terms seem contradictory at this point...

Still, there's one thing I do want to mention. For those of you in California, that's Proposition 8.

Before I mention that, however, I'd like to quickly cover the issue of gay marriage. What the fuck is wrong with you idiots? The universe did not implode the second homosexuals got the right to marry and dogs and cats aren't living together so why don't you pack away your bigotry in your old kit bag and shut the fuck up.

Now... to Proposition 8.

I hate having to vote against being for something that's against something. It pisses me off.

Prop 8, a vote for hate, removes a person's right to get married. So, if you vote for it, you're voting against equality. If you vote against it, you're voting for equality. You see how fucked up this is? I hate it. I just want to tear the fucking thing right out of my sample ballot.

But I can't.

It's at home.

The thing is, it made me look like an idiot to my wife the other day. I said, "Hey, did you hear that Obama doesn't support 8? That's nearly enough to make me vote against him."

"Why would you vote against him?" she asked.

I went "Buh buh buh"...

She said, "A vote for 8 is a vote for hate. Didn't you know that?"

Fucking backwards laws. I hate 'em!

Can we just have equal rights? Do we need these fucking idiots who will do anything to keep their bigotry?

... oh wait. Sorry. I live in America.

So, I guess I'm the dick...

I'm going to start by assuming that this may be something you can identify with. No, I don't mean ending a sentence with a preposition, I'm talking about...

A few days ago, I wrote about how tired I was of always being the guy who was there for people and nobody was there for me when it came to my birthday and how depressed it made me that nobody seemed to care about my birthday.

Then, I got an email from Rob, a very old friend. It came a day late and he basically said, "Sorry for getting this to you late but: Happy Birthday!" I thought it was nice. I was glad he remembered me.

And then, I realized I had no idea when his birthday was. I'd completely forgotten.

I had forgotten a lot of people's birthdays.

Here I was complaining about people forgetting my birthday when...

And there was that sickly moment of recognition.... oooooh....

Happiness is a fleeting thing but, then, so is unhappiness. I've gotten over my disappointment about my birthday. But one thing that comes with the realization that happiness is fleeting is also the knowledge that the little things really do go a long way. I mean, I wasn't depressed because of a lack of expensive gifts; it was being forgotten that was so sad - which tells me how my forgetfullness affects people. So, I've decided I need to be better about this. I need to be a little more active in making other people's lives happy, even if in a small way.

Anyway, I'd probably feel less like a dick...

After 43 years - the verdict: FAIL...

I was reading about the FAIL meme this morning (over here for the unwashed) and I couldn't help but think: Yep, there you go. That's you.

I suppose I should explain. My birthday has long been my least favorite day of the year. It is a constant reminder of just what a joke my life has been and what a humiliating experience it is to be me.

Let me explain. I have lived my life and really worked hard to do the one thing I want to do with it; that is being a writer or even an actor. Okay, that's two - but an artist in one form or another. So, I've acted - or, at least, I've tried ot act. I've written 16 novels and 5 plays. And yet, I've been an abject failure at both. Some people think trying equals succeeding - but honestly, do you pass by the bum on the street and say, "You're the President of the United States!" No. You don't. And for that same reason, I don't see myself as a writer or an actor, no matter how much effort I have put into it and continue to put into it. In fact, the way things have turned out, the only thing my efforts have given me is a pretty crappy job at a pretty crappy company. Honestly, it's pretty pathetic.

I like to think of myself as a fairly decent, good-natured, nice guy. But I've never had a lot of friends. I've never been the guy who has the big birthday party. I can't even tell you how many birthday parties have been thrown for me because it's so embarrassing.

Which is probably why I just want to go home tonight - from work, cause abuse on your birthday is important I guess - and eat Ramen. Cause, really, what's the point? Vicky will probably want to go out, but mostly because she won't want to cook and will feel guilty about that. It's traditional at this point to say "Vicky is the one good thing I have in my life" - but the fact is she's a person in my life, not my life. She's doing fine - but we've been fighting so often lately I don't have the energy to make the platitude.

Of the few friends I have: One wouldn't even invite me to his wedding this month and when he asked me to be his friend in Facebook, didn't even say so much as "Hi". In fact, he still won't talk to me. Another one can't be bothered unless it's to tell me about his sex life - and that's what I want to hear. The rest can't be bothered. As much as I like to think of myself as a writer, nobody I know wants to read anything I write - which leads me to believe that you readers are strangers.

Nobody really gives a shit.

And there you have it: FAIL.

I'm staying away from EPIC FAIL. I don't think I'm there quite yet... but every year brings me closer.

I guess I'm saying all this to share the misery a bit. I mean, I know there are plenty who are worse off than I. That's obvious. There are plenty far better off, of course; they stopped reading after paragraph one... several years ago. But there may be quite a few at the same level of misery and I want you to know - I get it. I'm with you. We'll get through this Every day brings as much hope as it does just as much abject failure.

Today sucks. Tomorrow sucks ass. The day after sucks zombie ass.

But the day after that could suck a whole lot less. You never know. It's been 43 years now. Odds have got to turn one of these days...

Self Assertion...

I'm normally a very compliant kind of guy. Easy going. Ready to lend a hand. When people need help, I'm there for them. Anyone - my friends, my family, sometimes people I don't even like - I'm there.

But, you know what I'm just beginning to realize? Nobody is there for me. Nobody. I try to make a list of people who have been there for me in the last few years and I get nothing.

Now, listen, it's not like I'm not sympathetic. After I tried to kill myself, I'm sure people got tired of helping old Ken. But dammit, I've paid for that several times over by now and, quite frankly, I'm fucking sick of it.

So, I'm thinking about trying out the word: No. I'm wondering how that would feel for a change. Engaging in a little bit of self-interest. I'm not talking about robbing from the poor or anything; I'm just thinking it might be nice to stop trying so damned much to get the world to like me. Because, you know what? It doesn't work. It's not paying off. I get screwed every time.

So, I would warn you to watch out. Unless you're willing to give a little, Mr. Easy Going will be out of town for a while.

Some shit you just don't say out loud...

(These next two entries I just know I'm going to regret...)

Here's a phrase you don't hear too often: I'd fuck her into next Thursday.

You don't hear it too often because, well, it doesn't make any sense. I mean, how would you do that? Cause the bed to vibrate at 88 miles per hour?

And yet, that's what entered my mind when I saw a woman going into work this morning - cause I'm a guy and this is what we do! I thought, "Holy shit. I would fuck her into next Thursday." It just came out of nowhere, completely distracting me from tits, ass, legs - the entire woman - because I thought, "How the hell would you do that?"

Ah, for the good old days of "Boy, I'd like to fuck her."

And don’t get me started on Sarah Palin…

I received an email from an ex-in-law today. She tends to send me some ape-shit-crazy-right-wing shit that… well, she’ll remain nameless… it’s an ex-sister-in-law… okay, Mannie. Anyway, she sent me this email today that just had me in stitches because it was so over the fucking top.

It seems that Muslims send their children to college and invest in their education for one reason and one reason only: To Take Over The World! It’s not because they love their children or because they value education or know how much a good education is worth. Oh no. It is To Take Over The World!

So now you know. Don’t trust any Muslim who dares become educated because you know that, in the end, they will Take Over The World. And that’s the last thing we want, a lot of educated people in charge!

But the kicker to the whole email was the end: “Please... I beg u vote Repulican this one time in your life. This guy is a front man for something worse 2 come.”

Yes, not only did the author misspell “Repulican”, they also said that this guy’s a front man for something worse “2” come.

That’s right. JOHN MCCAIN SURELY MUST BE A MUSLIM! It all makes sense! You heard it here first!

Hey, why not? The logic is just as twisted as anything they’re emailing out these days. But when all you have is fear-mongering, it probably makes sense.

Now there are three states undermining GOD'S WILL!!!!...

It's official. Along with Massachusets and California, Connecticut has made same-sex marriage legal.

Not much to add to this - except how I love to watch intolerant, right-wing, pea-brains squirm...

And I won't tell you what else they do together...

During tonight's Presidential Debate, McCain used his relationship with Senator Leiberman as evidence that he had worked "across the aisle". Vicky, on hearing this, exclaimed, "Leiberman's no Democrat! They shit in the same toilet!"

I don't know what this means but I thought it was a hell of a metaphor just the same!

Making Gay Marriage Unhappy Again...

This is what happens when you live in a state where gay marriage is legal... just not tolerated...

All together now: IDIOTS!

The art of the low-expectation...

(This was written long before the Veep Debate but I think it's still important to note.)

Quiz time: Does anyone remember the last time a Republican Presidential candidate was expected to do well in a debate?

For the last 20 years, the Republicans have made an art out of setting expectations subterraneanly low. I think the last candidate expected to debate well for the Repugs was Reagan - and not because of his ideas, of course, but because he had screen time!

This makes me wonder: What rationalization could Repugs possibly give for their continued existence? "Our ideas are so bad they can't stand a chance in honest debate - We must be right!"

You're not hearing the Dems say, "Obama can't string together an intelligible sentence. Biden has no command of his faculties." I'm no Dem but, in my mind, that's a good thing.

Taking it to the Street...

It might be too late for this rant from Alec Baldwin but you gotta give it a read:

If you give them the $700 billion, make them issue stock. Make every recipient of the bailout issue stock in return for our "investment." Don't give them the dough. Make them sell a stake in their companies. Banks, investment firms, insurance companies, you name it.

This bugs me...

The bugs were really out this morning as I was out on my ride. It was a lot like having someone throw buckets of bugs at you. You know - fun.

But if you want to know true terror, imagine getting a bug caught in your mustache. You're riding and you don't know if the little guy bounced off or is caught in the mass of hair... and if he's moving up towards your nose... or down to your mouth...

Damn, I must really like cycling...

A bad case of the Whatnexts...

Murielle...

After You Fall...

Last Ditch...

One play after another after a book after another... What do I get out of it?

Here's a shocking equation: 16 books and 5 plays have equalled 0 sales. It's something I have to face every day of my life. Other writers tell me how good I am, actors tell me they love my plays, but none of that means anything in terms of financial success. Nobody buys my stuff. It's a shameful admission. It makes me miserable.

Yet, I keep going.

I keep thinking, "Maybe if I do things a little differently. If I just get a little better." But I know that's not the case; we've all seen utter shit in the book market and trainwrecks on stage or screen. It's not a question of quality. It's a question of luck.

So, I keep going, thinking that maybe the next thing will bring me a little luck, a little recognition, make it all a little less pointless.

It's like gambling, you know? I've got a lifetime of losses to make up for - I should never have gotten into it.

My most recent play, Murielle's Big Date, is easily the funniest, most absurd, most dynamic play to date. I have no doubt that it's better than most of the rest of the shows I've seen. But what it's going to come down to has nothing to do with any of that. It's going to come down to the mood of the person reviewing it and whether they want something like that. (That's why I've made it a single set show with a small cast - to maximize the possibilities. Show runners love easy sets and small casts.) But the bottom line is that each person reviewing submissions, for shows or books or whatever, is looking for one specific thing and, if I'm not it, they move along. It's not about quality; it's about chemistry.

Anyway, it's all pretty damned heart-breaking.

And there's no stopping, of course. I've got three papers to write for school this semester but after those I already know what comes next. The next book is the follow up to Climbing Maya, a book not only answering the question of free will but also a story about my father's death and how each of his sons had a different part of themselves stripped away. It's going to be more complex, more emotional, and more profound than Climbing Maya, both related to and completely detached from the previous book. More marketable and more personal - because the bottom line, folks, is that there's much more than gambling going on here. I'm writing for far more than publication; I'm writing for me, too. The answers that I find are answers that I'm looking for, after all.

But I will say this. It's pretty damn exhausting.

It's time for Murielle...

This morning, I finished my first draft of Murielle's Big Date, my new play.

It reminded me of just why I write. It's different from anything I could have expected. It's vibrant and alive and completely, batshit, mother fucking insane. I love it.

Now, let's see how long a break I can take before starting on the next thing.

Villians...

Vicky and I are huge HEROES fans. I'm talking about the TV show but we're also fans of real-life heroes as well, except (in my case, at least) soldiers the media keeps insisting we consider heroes. Just because you killed a bunch of brown people, that doesn't make you a hero in my book.

... but back to the TV show. For those of you who caught the 2-hour premier the other night, you were doubtlessly as glued to your TV set as we were. Why we put glue on our TV set makes no sense to me but there we were.

Now, I'm not saying there weren't a lot of things that didn't make sense. Hell, I could create a blog just for HEROES plot holes! In fact, that's one of the things I wanted to talk about today... um, one of the holes in HEROES plot, not creating yet another blog nobody reads.

As you probably saw, Peter's mind was - oh, SPOILER ALERT! (as if it mattered) - put into the body of a high-powered villian on Level 5, supposedly the level filled with the fiercest, roughest, toughest, meanest, leanest, fiendest, beanedest, rootinest, tootinest villians in the HEROES universe. You're darned tootin! And when all these VILLIANS escape - due to yet another plot hole - we're made to assume that bad things are coming to every corner of the HEROES playground.

... so, what's the first thing they do? They rob a gas station, kill a guy, and steal his SUV, Funyuns in tow. These certainly aren't the "rule the world" kind of villians. And you know what they say. "Themz aint yo Funyunz, Themz be Foxy's Funyunz!"

... Yeah, I'm also a fan of Drawn Together. You remember that show, don't you?

No... I didn't think so...

Our first first dance...

It's All Vicky on the blogs but what better time? It's our anniversary, one of my favorite days of the year.

I thought I'd bring it on over to My Side, where things tend to get a bit more cynical, and share something with you that you might not know. I want to talk about dancing. Don't be afraid.

You've probably heard me mention how much I hate dancing but there's a paradox there, because dancing also happens to be very important to me. Seriously. See, I normally feel like such an idiot dancing that I have a hard time dancing with anyone who makes me feel MORE like an idiot. Trust me, I ran into this with more than a few dates.

Now, Vicky and I had rehearsed our wedding dance over and over until we had it down. We had it down so well... it didn't really feel like a dance any more! It felt more like a performance, to me. It was like losing our first dance and gaining our first performance!

But I still wanted that moment - that perfect moment where the stars aligned and everything felt right and we danced together, losing ourselves in each other's arms. I wanted to feel as far from being an idiot as possible... and, for me, that's rare. But every moment of our wedding was choreographed, timed, segmented, and set. It didn't look as though there'd be any time for perfect moments, not the kind I wanted.

So, we were wed. We were rushed upstairs for our "moment alone", which turned out to be just a moment. Then, pictures began. We were hurried up to the gazebo, the photographer got into place... and no one else was where the were supposed to be. We were asked to wait a minute... just relax...

I don't remember the song. I wish I did. But some jazz was playing and everyone's attention was on the wedding and off of the wedded. I asked Vicky if she'd like to dance and she stepped into my arms and it was as if we were the only people in the world. The stars aligned and everything felt right. It was perfect.

That will always remain, for me, our first dance.

Songs to share with your children...

The itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout
Down came the rain and washed the spider out
Down came the sun and dried up all the rain
and the itsy-bitsy spider realized that all life is futile and meaningless...

On ex-in-laws and social networking...

If there's one thing life has taught me, it's that you don't know. You just don't know. Living is more art than science; it's never perdictable. You just don't know.

My life, right now, is going through this weird period where past, present, and future keep slamming together in the strangest of ways.

I'll give you an example.

On one social networking site, one of my ex-sister-in-laws recently asked to be my "friend". What the heck, I figured, so friends we became. I've never tried to get in touch with my ex-in-laws out of respect for Rosa. I figured that was her life and no longer a part of mine. But when someone asks to be a part of my life again, to be my friend, it just doesn't seem right to refuse that. Slowly, we have started a correspondence. Of course, we've talked about Rosa. We talked about the divorce. But we also talk about my life today. I tell her about Vicky and some of the things we do together. I tell her about how fortunate I was to find Vicky. I've also mentioned how much Vicky and I want to have a child. This ex-sis-in-law has two kids and she knows how I've wanted one for some time and, again, what happened with Rosa. She hopes Vicky and I have a baby real soon.

And who would have thought that? Past, present, and future - BAM!

I was a pretty lousy husband to Rosa sometimes, but not as much as I was a pretty lousy brother-in-law. I was stand-offish and cold and unwelcoming. Somehow, though - and as usual - my negative assessment doesn't belong to those who I felt deserved to judge me negatively. She just thought I was "a grump."

See? You just don't know.

For those who don't "get it"...

I was reading a little something by John Haidt today, writing about why liberals don't "get it" and what they can learn from Republicans. "[M]orality is not just about how we treat each other (as most liberals think); it is also about binding groups together, supporting essential institutions, and living in a sanctified and noble way."

If you're not as appalled by that as I, allow me to explain something to you and to Mr. Haidt.

If morality is about "binding groups together", how can you call Republicans moral when their specialty is divisiveness? Their great fallback position is always "God, guns, and gays": Liberals are against God, gonna take your guns, and make homosexuality in the mainstream. Republicans preach hate towards the least fortunate peoples: the poor, the immigrant, the homeless. They even preach hate towards veterans, denying them adequate medical care or GI benefits. Meanwhile, they claim that liberals - the group who has supported equal rights for all groups - don't get it.

If morality is about supporting essential institutions, how can you call Republicans moral when their strategy has famously been to undermine our most essential institutions: schools, health care, infrastructure. To see Republicans as moral, you would have to count the NRA as an essential institution. You'd have to include the hate-spreading Religious Right as an essential institution. You'd have to count the multinational job-exporters as essential institutions. You would, essentially, have to see reality through a myopic, diseased lens to consider the Republicans moral under that criteria.

If morality is about living in a sanctified and noble way, Mr. Haidt, then you Republicans would have to cast their vote for someone other than McCain or Palin. McCain was the "brains" behind the Keating Five. He refused to honor Martin Luther King. He denied benefits for veterans, the group which he is supposed to most empathize. Palin lies and lies and lies, about selling her plane on Ebay at a profit, about not wanting the Bridge to Nowhere, about stealing from the taxpayers of Alaska, and more still. Are these noble acts? Are these sanctified acts? No and No again. These are loathsome and low and unworthy of any definition of morality.

Don't tell me I don't know what morality is, Mr. Haidt. Don't tell me I don't "get it". Don't hide behind false rhetoric and deception in the hopes of getting more Republican votes.

Or prepare yourself for the mountain of vomit which is sure to fall your way.

SPORE's fucking Securom...

I picked up SPORE yesterday and I have to say, "Great game."

DON'T BUY IT.

Listen to me. They use that awful Securom anti-piracy measure that plays hell with your hard drive and then won't let you reinstall it when you get your hard drive fixed. Now, I'm stuck with a worthless disk and I don't dare give it to Vicky to install on her machine because it'll fuck that up, too.

Here's what you do. If you want it, and you should if you like light, fun games, get it through STEAM, the download service provided by VALVE. They let you reinstall as many times as you like with no Securom and no fucked up hard drives. Do yourself a favor.

Meanwhile, I'll continue hating EA.

What was supposed to happen…

When Keith told me he was going to provide the family with a DVD of our father’s memorial service, I asked him if he could include an audio copy of my original eulogy. It had run too long but I still felt it gave a better sense of our relationship, how I felt, and what I wanted to say than my second, shorter draft.

He said he would if I provided it for him. Blanche gave her blessings.

Today, however, just as I was about to begin… intelligence crept in. I began to think about what I was doing. And it came down to this: You don’t eulogize someone twice. You just don’t. You go on with your life. The only person who would get anything out of my repetition of the original eulogy would be me… and Dad would have liked it, too, of course – he would have loved the idea of a world constantly eulogizing him after his passing! But, for anyone else, it would have been unnecessary and unwanted.

I’ve eulogized my father. I’ve done just about everything but cry about my loss – I know how much I need to; I just haven’t. I’ve heard jokes I know he would have enjoyed. I’ve told jokes I know he would have told. (Simply eating “Ass-per-Agus” is excuse enough.) So, I’m going to let my original eulogy go, stop mourning and start enjoying.

But, if you’re interested, you can find a copy over one One Path, warts and all.

Weird workplace...

I made it through the gauntlet at my new job; I finished probation.

It's not that hard. There's one rule here: Look busy.

And this is what I want to write about today, because it's more fucked up than you can possibly imagine. Nobody actually works. As long as you can look busy, you impress your Taiwanese bosses. I've only completed about a dozen projects in three months - and I'm known around here as being manic about my job. It's crazy. I spend seven hours of my day waiting, sitting and waiting.

After Allied, I was really hoping to find a job where I could contribute and do something worthwhile. But not only can I not work here - because if I do too much, I'm told to slow down because I'm putting too much pressure on other people - but I also can't fill the void by writing, because I'm watched most of the time to make sure I look like I'm busy working on a product...

It's like fucking hell.

Remember to get what you deserve...

I keep hearing and reading about Sarah Palin's speech last night. I read about how filled with verve and venom it was, about how it knocked that Obama guy down a peg.

It was also filled with lies, but that's neither here nor there I am told. What does it matter that the Republican party has gone schizophrenic: Biden's experience in the Senate doesn't count but McCain's does. Palin has enough experience after being the mayor of a tiny hamlet and governor of the least-populated state, but Obama doesn't as a US Senator. McCain's flip-flops don't count because he's the Change Candidate. Obama is the elitist; pay no attention to McCain's many properties. The Republican hypocricy of calling themselves the party of "family values" while having one candidate with multiple marriages and another with teen pregnancies - abstinence only folks! - while Obama and McCain have actual family values doesn't seem to bother anyone. Just ignore it, I'm told, because that Palin sure is cute, isn't she?

But I don't hear about how the Republican's are appealing to our better selves. I don't hear about how they are providing a brighter future for our children. I don't hear about how they care for regular people. Tax cuts for the rich, tax breaks for big oil, more wars, fewer rights - that's what I hear.

And I am reminded of that old saying, about how we get the government we deserve, and I'm thinking about what we deserve after years of illegal wars, torture, and abuse of power.

Vicky's been talking about moving out of this country, abandoning this sinking ship of state... she may have a point...

No wonder I'm a cow...

Turns out that thinking may make you fat. Hell, I think all the time! I think deeply and profoundly! I think with ice cream and pie and cookies and...

... what?

His name is Bruce...

Must see this.
Must see this.
Must FUCKING SEE THIS!!!!

Did I write that?...

Yesterday, we held an informal reading for my new play, After You Fall. The idea of the play was to be a funny (key word here) look at the dangers you face after you fall in love, after the romance, after the weddings. You know: the shit.

Well, I couldn’t anticipate what happened. Turned out, the folks who read and listened liked the play for reasons quite opposite than those intended. What I expected to be hilarious turned out to be heart-felt. People liked the relationships and the drama.

After Climbing Maya and now this, I don’t know what makes me think I’m a comedy writer.

But don't think I'm complaining. I'll be submitting this one right away and I'll let you know if/when something comes of it.

And advanced blow jobs...

Madame Palin wants creationism taught in our schools, alongside evolution, because she thinks it would be good for kids to debate the merits of lunacy next to science.

She's real keen on debate.

Fine, then I want to see them teach Advanced Orgies right alongside their fucking abstinence (see the pun?) classes that have been proven so effective!

But don't call her Michael...

With McCain's choice of running mate, I'm left puzzled. Usually Republican'ts just leave me pissed.

So, McCain says Obama has too little experience but here he is, on death's door, ready to put someone with far less experience in the driver's seat when he inevitably dies of one cancer or another. Where's the logic?

Obama picks Biden, who has more experience, to take his place should anything happen to him. That makes sense. It follows the Kennedy/Johnson idea. But what's McCain going to say? "We need someone with very little experience in the White House! With less experience than Barack Obama! Because he doesn't have enough experience! So, we need less experience! I'm senile! I eat peas! Someone wash my bum!"

Yep... Republican'ts got it all figured out!

If God created us in his image...

... he must have self-esteem issues...

Do you realize we're the only animal that has to wipe its butt??? How'd we end up (no pun intended) with that?

Teaching me why we never say never… except just then…

There’s an actor in Southern California who goes by the name of Robert Purcell about whom I cannot say enough good things. Is he a guy of his word? Yes. Is he the kind of person to help you out when you need it without a fuss? You bet.

Is he also the kind of person who lets you make an ass of yourself on your blog only to prove you wrong? Absolutely!

Robert has done me the extraordinary favor of finding another actress so we can do this play reading this weekend. I’m telling you, I am out of gas on this one but he took the steps I couldn’t and made sure things would work for me.

He has my gratitude.

Now let’s read a fucking play!

(… no, not you. But I could always use an audience if you want to come by. Otherwise, be assured you’ll be updated here.)

This is what I get for thinking I was still a playwright…

Well, it looks like the reading just isn’t going to happen. I spent weeks trying to wrangle people up again and again – but, no dice.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not the people who, when asked, said, “I’d love to be there but I can’t,” that I’m mad at. What pisses me off is all the people who said, “I’ll be there!” and then later said, “Oh, I can’t. Just remembered I have to floss my cat.”

What it came down to is that people don’t care about my writing as much as I wish they did. I guess that’s evident by my book sales. But I’m going to stick this out and try submitting it anyway, and I’ll hope it’s good. The whole point of reading it was to hear if it was any good. That’s a luxury I’m going to have to live without.

Dr. Ken and The Women…

(Sometimes you have to go for the obvious, Family Guy joke…)

In case I lose it, the point of this email is what a fantastic woman I married.

… Vicky. I’m talking about Vicky.

There’s been a bit of a shakeup down Ken way, a shake up of friends and maybe not friends. It started with Cindy, who has a lot of practice ending our friendship. Well, this time she “needed time” because Vicky made a joke. I understand that some people lack all of their senses, including their sense of humor, but I’m puzzled when that’s supposed to justify ending a friendship. If it was that frail, I guess I’m better off.

Then, in came Teresa. Teresa, love of my 17th year, regret of my life. She forgives me for the rotten way I treated her and has a good, happy life, which makes me happy. We email occasionally. It’s nice.

This, this week, I was spotted on a social networking site by three of my ex-sisters-in-law. After Rosa, I was sure she’d convinced her entire family to hate the ground I strode on but it turns out that wasn’t true at all. It also turns out that I wasn’t the only one punished by the divorce and Rosa seems to still be paying. It makes me sadder than words can express to know that her life is sad. I wish there was something I could do to help but there simply isn’t. It has nothing to do with Vicky, either. The face is, there’s nothing I can do. But it’s nice hearing from the ex-S.I.Ls and it’s fun starting fresh.

One of my worst mistakes back when I was with Rosa was in not holding the proper people accountable when they gave me the shaft. I’m talking about her parents, mostly. I made the mistake of taking it out on everyone, which was wrong and cost me a lot.

So, here I am, a married man talking with, at least, four women outside of my wife. (Can you imagine them all inside?) I am positive there is someone out there thinking, “If I was Vicky, I would tar his hide,” or something like that. Maybe it’s “She shouldn’t trust him, given his past,” or “He should be investing that energy on his wife.”

Here’s the thing. I’m tempted to agree. Listen, I know I don’t have the most sparkling history but keep in mind that Rosa was the one who pushed me into another’s arms through years of neglect and outright telling me to. And maybe it’s okay to have female correspondents. The thing is I think Vicky and I both know who I better never talk to if I like my balls attached and that’s Rosa.

Which brings me to another point, my ex-S.I.Ls had asked if Rosa and I still speak. They’ve implied that maybe we should. But I have been very clear. If I ever spoke with Rosa, Vicky would kill me slow. After all, Rosa was the one who broke me, stole from me, cheated me, and ruined my life. It’s not out of jealousy that Vicky is so demanding; it’s just the smart thing to do!

Which got more interesting when I heard that Teresa was coming into town.

Which brings me to my point. Here I am, talking to these other women, and Vicky is okay with it. She trusts me. She knows that my motives have less to do with them than others might think. Maybe she also knows that I want to screw every 3rd woman I see anyway; talking to these won’t change that. (And before you complain, most men want to screw every 4th woman they see. I just haven’t made it out of puberty, yet.)

I can’t tell you why Vicky is so understanding except to say she gets me. I’m not the kind of person to turn away friendship, even when it’s as superficial as online blabbing. But I know what other people would say, how they would respond, which shows me how cool Vicky is and makes me love her all that much more.

… and she scares me, too. There’s that.

Life ain’t worth living…

I don’t want to live in a world where #24 doesn’t have a head.

Why grant legal immunity???

Aren’t Shrub’s folks so smart? They said illegal wiretapping was legal and then made sure their business bosses got immunity. They said their actions were legal and are looking for immunity after January. And, of course, they say that everything we’ve done in Iraq has been completely legal…

… and now they’re starting to freak out because they might not get immunity.

From what, I wonder…

Rigged Elections? It’s their job…

If you even wondered how those elections got rigged – you know the Presidential Elections – In the United States of America – among others, well, you don’t have to listen to Faux News tell you otherwise any longer. Because the fine people at Diebold are coming clean. They defrauded America. They violated innumerable election laws.

And they’ll never get in the least bit of trouble for it… of course…

In case you thought this all had anything to do with terrorists...

You may have been right. Only the terrorists are the folks working for the government. The folks taking your laptops without any warrants.

And now, the folks taking your vibrators!!!

That's right. Now, they can seize your sex toys. Not only do they not need anything in writing... where would they get it if they did???

I wonder about people who travel with a suitcase filled with pocket pussies but traveling salesmen need to earn a living, too. And, as for the folks travelling with suitcases filled with black, leather, dildos... well, Republican senators should have their rights protected as well...

How many houses does it take?…

John McCain is just like you and me… he can’t seem to figure out how many properties he owns! Call it senility. Call it fucked-up greed.

Either way, it’s little more than a fumble on the Republican’tsTM radar. The bigger issues are how eager he is to start wars and abuse the environment and how hesitant he is to show compassion or to tell the truth.

But if knowing he can’t remember how many houses he’s bought keeps you from voting for him, I’ll take that, too.

Zombie McCain!!!...

If there was every any doubt in your mind that John McCain is just, plain evil, surely the way he laughs whenever he gives us bad news must have tipped you off. "There's evil out there, my friends. Obama wants to fuck your cattle." (Smile. Smile. Chuckle.)

Just plain creepy.

Now, if that doesn't do it for you, how about this:


DOCUMENTED EVIDENCE THAT MCCAIN IS A FLESH-EATING ZOMBIE!!!!

Your God can’t ride a fucking bike!…

I ran into a contingent from a group that called itself Cyclists For Christ (C4C) on my ride today.

Cyclists For Christ.

What’s the matter? Can’t he ride his own bike?

He’s all-powerful and all-knowing and, yet, he can’t ride a fucking bike?

Did the crucifixion play hell with his circulation? Or is he just a gimp?

Or are you raising money to send him to camp?

Seriously. These are the things I wonder about.

The problem always comes down to people…

We know that burning fossil fuels = global warming. Right?

McCain’s answer to our energy needs is to drill for more oil. Supposing he finds this wealth of oil, what do you think that would equal? More global warming! Right.

Our options are running low. Alternate power sources are great; I have stock in a solar cell company, myself. But how far does that go?

I wondered about this as I sat inside of Taco Bell at lunch today. I was watching everyone eat, even as I ate, and I wondered if perhaps we’re all in denial or something. I mean, here we are, living far beyond our means. We’re killing off our oceans, drying out our forests, squeezing every ounce of goodness from the land, even as we make more and more people.

When will we start taking responsibility for ourselves? When will we finally grow up? Or do we kill ourselves before we get that far?

Stinking while you work…

Yes, another post about biking to work. What can I tell you? You’ll hear more about my puppy and dead father, by and by.

So, I get to work this morning. I shower. I dress. I break my lock… like an idiot… but enough of that. Later, I’m sitting at my desk when people start talking about all the bikes that are stacking up. When I first started riding my bike in, I’d park it inside, in a cubby alongside the only other bike. Now, there are four bikes in that little cubby and it’s getting crowded!

We took a quick inventory of who rides. There are four of us… but two of them can’t understand why we need to bring backpacks and have lockers and… hold on… They don’t shower.

They ride to work (four miles and 10 miles) and don’t shower, don’t change; they just work in their sweaty clothes.

Now, listen, I’m not stickler for hygiene. Hell, I’ve spent many a drunken weekend in the same clothes until I can appreciate my own, natural perfume – but hey! After riding 10 miles, you should really consider bathing!

And I don’t know what was worse. The fact that they don’t or the amount of people in the conversation who suggested I didn’t need to…

The play's the thing...

The new play, After You Fall, is nearing completion. I finished the first draft and was cruising through rewrites when news of my father's death struck... and then it became very difficult to be funny. But I fully intend to get back at it today at lunch, cutting the unnecessary, purging the unfunny.

Then, on the 30th - just a few weekends from now - the plan is to get some actors together at my house to read it all out loud. Comedy is different when it's spoken than when it's read so you really need to hear it. That's why you get some actors to read it before you know you're done.

... unfortunately, I've been so long from the stage that I know only a few actors and most of them are busy, you know, acting.

Used to be, Clostio and I would sit together for a preliminary read and I'd see if he would laugh. But he hasn't spoken to me in years - YEARS! - so I'm stuck without his help and without enough actors.

Enter Vicky and Jeff. Yep, I'm volunteering them to read with two actors I know. It shouldn't be too hard. A good play should be funny without any help, after all. As long as they can read, which I've been assured they can, we should be fine.

Check these pages for a full update later. Should be fun!

World ends tomorrow...

Wear clean underwear!

How much sex can you have before they switch it on???

Pot - Kettle - Black...

Now this one's rich.

Apparently, the Torture President is going to go "raise concerns" about China's human rights record. Now, listen, you won't hear me arguing for China on this one but anyone who thinks we Americans didn't abandon the high ground the minute we started torturing people needs a good smack in the head.

... I volunteer to do the smacking...

With the fishies...

I saw one of those great "10 Things You Can Do To Help Save Your Own Fucking Hide Before You Destroy The World With Your Fucking Plastic Shopping Bags" lists today and I was going to post it... Sadly, it's main crux was joining some group.

Being a joiner never saved anyone.

But this may. I thought it might be nice to help you out with an updated list on what seafood is good to eat, both for you and for the environment.

We can't eat everything, folks. No, seriously. We can't. Cut it the fuck out.