Tuesday, March 23, 2010


About ten years ago, I made a decision that dramatically altered the course of my life. Had I not left Rosa, today would be very different. I might be with her. I might have a child with her. I might be without her for very different reasons.

I lost Rosa in March of 2000 and three years later I tried to undo what I had done, but that was not possible. I call this “Bookends” because I began this blog shortly after the events of March 2003, as a way of coping with life without Rosa and this seems to be the perfect place to express what I’m feeling ten years after losing her. Those who read this blog have probably – undeniably – noticed my frequency tapering off. It may not always be so but, certainly for now at least, real life seems to possess far more of my time than blogging will allow.

Still, this seemed important to address.

Let me begin by saying that I’ve been incredibly lucky in the last ten years. I’ve enjoyed success. I’ve traveled. I found a lovely woman who I love very much. If not for Vicky, I doubt I’d be the person I am today. Having her in my life helped restore much of what I lost when I lost Rosa and I am grateful for that.

So, on to Rosa…

So many people have expressed the thought over the years that I must have somehow gotten over Rosa, as if it’s all so clear and easily worked out. Let me tell you. It’s messier than that by far. Hardly a day goes by without a thought of Rosa – what she’s doing, how she is, how things might have turned out better. We promised we’d remain friends and, let me tell you, were we wrong!

Finding Vicky did not fill the hole Rosa left. It just helped make life a bit more bearable. The Rosa-shaped hole is still there in my heart; I’ve just become adept at ignoring it. Sometimes, I wish she were in my life but then I consider what that would entail and what complications it would include and I shake my head and wish her well and resign myself to the reality of history. She will always be gone, for better or for worse.

Rosa said my love was like a freight train and Vicky has said that’s fine by her. Vicky appreciates it and that’s a relief after all the times Rosa rejected it. Vicky’s not perfect by any stretch and I don’t want to suggest that, but she loves me and I know it. She’s no Rosa but Rosa’s no Vicky, either. One doesn’t have to be better than the other.

For 15 years, I was lucky enough to have Rosa in my life. I hope I’m lucky enough to get 15 with Vicky, or 16, or 20, or 30… I’ll take as many as I can get.

If this somehow finds its way to Rosa, I would just want her to know that nothing absolves me from the guilt of what I did any more than absolution is yours. We were both horribly wrong and will never regain what we lost. My only hope is that you end up as lucky as I have.

On my first entry, I said that there was much to tell and that would tell it. I hope I’ve done so to your satisfaction. Now, much remains to be lived and I will live it. When I think of it, I’ll try to write now and again.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Releasing the hounds…

I’m sure there are those out there who think corporations are only looking out for your best interests. I’m sure there are those who believe corporations never hurt anyone and do a fine job regulating themselves. I’m sure there’s a person right now who is certain that any reasonable person who tells them otherwise is lying.

That person is insane.

Today, the Supreme Court with a short-sightedness not seen since perhaps Dred Scot let corporate influence in government go completely unfettered. Corporations can now buy whatever candidate they want and buy the votes as well. The depths to which this extends is unfathomable. It began with a case in Santa Clara and today found its most expensive conclusion.

Of course, huge corporations have already done untold damage. Look at health care. Look at Wall Street. Look at the banks that are “too big to fail”. With unfettered access to any politician, that is just the tip of the ice berg.

You’ll hear people say that it’s a case of civil rights, freedom of speech. But you won’t hear them admit what a lie that is. Corporations are not citizens and do not need to employ citizens. As a result of this ruling, our politics are now endangered by foreign interests as well as the evil bastards we grow at home. In that face of unlimited money and power, what can we do?

Well, there is one thing. I’m not saying it’s much – at this point, I don’t know what would be enough – but Alan Grayson has created a petition (at www.savedemocracy.net) to get some basic legislation passed through Congress to put some small regulations in place. You can find that here.

It won’t make things right but it may make things slightly less nightmarish. In the meantime, keep active and educated and we’ll do what we can.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Voodoo Christians…

Something I’ve wanted to mention for a while now has sprung its ugly head once again, this time in the form of Pat Robertson. I’m sure there are those who would still call him “Reverend”, though “Voodoo Priest” is more fitting.

After the horrible devastation in Haiti, Pat Robertson said it happened because Haiti had a deal with the devil. Now, ignoring for a minute the logistics – anyone in his scenario would likely be dead already, the country has changed governments more than once since then, a nation cannot make deals with a fictional character – this is just another indication in a recent turn in a subsection of Christianity I like to call “Voodoo Christianity”.

Another example is the trend of some right-wing preachers “praying” for someone’s death, usually someone they don’t like. Obama, for instance. They basically throw the Bible out with the bath water and start claiming to have special powers or some inside information and it makes me wonder just how stupid those Christians who follow them are. I mean, sure, you believe there’s a man in the sky – one mark against your sanity – but then you throw away all the teachings your religion is based on to follow some lunatic who can’t be described any more generously than “fucking psycho”.

And for those Christians who think they hold no responsibility, I call bullshit. You are responsible for the acts of anyone who calls themselves Christian for this is how your religion is ultimately judged. Do you want to be in the same circle as the voodoo priests, the right wing whackos, and lunatic nut-jobs? Tend your own garden, people. You’ve always had some weeds in there; you don’t need hemlock as well.