Sunday, November 30, 2003

I'm ba-ack!

... that's it. Just wanted you to know.

Friday, November 21, 2003

Final Day! Preparations to make...

Well, this is it. In less than 24 hours, I'll be winging... er, tiring (exhausting?) my way to the wild, wintery wonderland that is Oregon. This year's trip won't be nearly as pleasant as it was last year. I'll be facing much worse weather, with plenty of snow!

What will I find up there? Autumn's candy. Tim's smokes (a different kind of candy). A room - no sofa-sleeping for me this time! A place where Rosa and I never were, a place untouched by ghosts and demons (though I did see Deanna's doppelganger as a stripper the last time up!).

What am I looking for? A moment of peace, just a moment would be nice. Time away from the constant nightmare of my life. Time away from the black hole of Rosa's absence.

I won't have Internet access up there - so you won't hear from me again until December.

Here's a bit of irony for you. Last year, while heading back, driving through the Siskiyous and the mountain passes, I thought about some of the cliffs and how easy it would have been to steer my car over the edge and out into... This year, those roads will have snow and ice - they won't need my suicidal tendencies to make them treacherous. They'll do just fine by themselves.

Oddly enough, there's a part of me that looks forward to returning. I've got DVDs to watch and acting to do and This They Call Freedom to finish and writing to do and cats to pet and a life to live - what's left - if I can figure out how you do that without Rosa. But if you're looking for some difference between this year and last... this year I'm looking forward to figuring out how.

I know that sounds funny but... look. Rosa never replied to the letter. She never said a word. I asked her if she'd received it. She never said a word. Michael sent me pictures of their daughter, not knowing that Rosa had completely shut me out of her life. She never said a word.

What better sign do I need that it's over? I'm nothing to her. She got what she wanted. I still love her with all of my heart - but it's not enough for her. She's done. She won't even speak, it seems.

I've been thinking, recently, about the need for closure. I don't want closure. I don't want things to close. No, I'd prefer resolution. I'd rather resolve than close a problem. Maybe that's a difference between Rosa and I. I've spent the past years looking for resolution. She chose closure.

And, so, as I ready myself to leave, it looks like all the doors have been closed - all the doors I worked so hard at keeping open - it's time to try to find a beginning, a departure, a start... tomorrow morning.

To all of you, a Happy KillAllTheIndians Day. (This year, though, just eat turkey instead.)

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Nothing much to say...

I don't have my usual focus today - that thing I have to write about - but I sometimes get people who bitch when I don't write (Hi, Tim!) so I figured I should...

Late night last night. I wanted to sleep but my mind kept working... and the topic it was working on was a four-letter word that began with an "R" and ended with an "osa"...

I was thinking a lot about dualities. We live in a world of dualities. Light and dark. Good and evil. Have and have not... and other Bogart films.

Try this with me. Complete this list:

Short and tall.
Bitter and Sweet.
Back and forth.
Ken and _________

You get the idea? You spend your life looking for that person to fill in the blank. The person who is everything you ever wanted.

What do you do when you aren't that person's fill in the blank? When you're not everything they ever wanted? Well, you don't have anyone. You remain alone.

In a world of couples and families - alone sucks.

The CDs are pretty much done. Now, duplication begins. And not a moment too soon! I leave for Oregon on Saturday!

Yes, I leave for Oregon on Saturday. I won't have computer access so you don't need to check for new entries until December. After returning, I will, in all likelihood, write "Thanksgiving Adventure 2003". Let me know if you want a copy.

It looks like I'm picking the most hazardous time to be on the road. If I end up dying from a car crash, due to driving off the road, skidding on ice, etc. etc. just remember not to refer to my vast intelligence at my funeral, let someone laugh so hard they spit scotch or a martini (the Official Drink of Ken's Funeral) on you.

Last night, another night of rehearsal and I nearly broke down crying. I'm surrounded by all these kids, some of them downright beautiful, surrounded by reminders of what I will never have, reminders of Rosa's abortion, reminders of Rosa's child, reminders of Rosa - and my heart is just ripped from my chest.

... I hate this play.

I'll be sure to write more happy thoughts tomorrow and then I'm off for the week!

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Not to Rush to judgment...

Don't you just love Rush Limbaugh.

Didn't you feel sorry for him when he was exposed as a drug-addict, while having nothing but contempt for drug addicts?

Isn't it a shame he's prosecuted unfairly... like when he's exposed as a thief?

Why can't people leave MODEL REPUBLICANS like him alone?
Shrub has such a way...

I think the headline says it all: Bush Urges Europe to Help Rebuild Iraq.

Yep. He was reported to say, "Hey, we did half the job. You know how many bombs it took to get it this way?!"
Can you say "HOMOPHOBE"?...

Our dumbass pres, the inevitable Shrub, came out yesterday against same-sex marriages:

President Bush criticized Tuesday's ruling by Massachusetts' highest court striking down the state's ban on same-sex marriage and said he would work with Congress to "defend the sanctity of marriage."

"Marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman," Bush said in a statement released shortly after he arrived in London for a state visit. He said the ruling by the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court "violates this important principle."

I suppose it's not ironic that someone who is against gay marriages is such a dick.
Baby pictures...

This week continues its slope towards armageddon... I'm really expecting the asteroid to hit any minute now.

Yesterday, I left work early, feeling sick. This head cold's been going around work and zeroed in on me. Fun. So, I went home. I figured that, between nose blows, I could work on the CDs. Somewhere in the afternoon, I got an email from Michael, Rosa's guy. Opening it, I found myself looking at a picture of their baby. If that won't punch you in the gut, nothing will.

Why did he send it? In an email conversation, he explained that he thought I wanted to be "in the loop". I told him that, as long as Rosa didn't want me "in the loop", it hurt too much to be "in the loop". I know he wasn't being malicious. It was just a misunderstanding. Still, I couldn't help but wonder how he couldn't know that she'd shut me out. How weird! Not weird enough, it seems - he didn't even know about my letter to her. This made me worry that, maybe, she never got the letter. So, I wrote her a quick email saying, basically, "I understand if you don't want to reply to the letter but please let me know if you got it."

Anyway, once the emails were done, I tried to get back to work on the CDs. You know, proceed as normal - right! I ended up destroying half the contents of a CD and fell back on my bed, crying and crying. One box of Kleenex later, I went and bought a pack of smokes. I needed to calm down - smoking helps you do that.

Then, this morning, I had another nightmare. It was another one of those, "Ken, I don't want to marry you because I'm marrying Michael" kind of nightmares. Marry? Hell, Rosa won't even date me!

And so, I'm thrown back into the nightmare realm in one short day.

What's next?

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Okay, this week sucks...

As a prologue, I went to the grocery store last night to get some laundry quarters. The checker said to me, "We don't sell quarters any more." "What," I replied. "We can't because of the strike." I said, "You mean that, because there's a strike, you're not allowed to sell people quarters?" "Yes," she said. "Are you afraid of people throwing them at the strikers?!" Though I was able to get some from the Del Taco next store (only two bucks worth), I had a feeling this began a trend.

So, last night, I worked very hard on the final disk, Ken 3.7. I figured that, if I could get half done last night, I could do the other half tonight and make a completed disk Wednesday. Then, I could review it and make any corrections by Thursday and be done in time to pack on Friday. Unfortunately, I forgot I have rehearsal on Wednesday and Thursday. So, I must work faster! (Mind you, I was up until 1:30am working on this last night...)

Woke up this morning feeling sick - like most people where I work. Great, I thought. Nobody at my job with share a smile but they will share a germ. Now, I'd better get better before I go.

And lastly, the pass ('tween California et Oregon) just gets colder and colder. Now, it looks like it will be a balmy 19 degrees when I head up. Oh... fun!

Monday, November 17, 2003

Waking Dreams and Waking Life

I had this really interesting dream that I awoke from this morning about ten seconds too early.

I was walking through a labyrinth with Rosa.
Rosa: How are you doing?
Ken: Not too good. I've been having nightmares and lots of bad dreams.
Rosa. Well, you know, they way to end the nightmares is to -

Which is when I woke up.


On the subject of dreams, the Richard Linklater film, Waking Life, which Tim bought me for my birthday, has been discounted to about $5-$7 in stores. We're talking bargain bin stuff here, folks. You owe it to yourself to buy this movie. It won't open your mind for you but it will show you where to jam the crowbar. It's a phenomenal film - you need to buy it. (I know several people who will be getting it for Xmas...)
Too much to write...

A lot happened this weekend. Normally, I don't have to worry about that and can tell you about my life in every last, disgusting detail.

Not so today.

Some highlights:
1) I got chains for my tires. It looks like I'll need them, driving over the pass from CA to OR. (This wouldn't happen if Tim and Autumn simply had the decency to bring Milwaukie, Oregon down to Orange County!)
2) Tim came to visit and we had the great, philosophical discussion about being awake (as opposed to living in a dreamworld or sleepwalking) and all its connotations. We also discussed the taking of communion. Is that just a ritual in Christian churches or is it something we do every day in all of our relationships? I could write you a book on the subject... if you'd pay me.
3) More work on the disks. Oh, you're gonna be surprised. By the way, if you want a copy of the 2003 Christmas CD package, email me.

Meanwhile, I've got five days left before I go. I still haven't finished the CDs so I'm going to forego the gym this week and work, work, work. (Autumn may get violent if I don't have them on arrival.)

This weekend, I also bought an incredibly old (about two years) video game: Wizardry 8. I've always loved the Wizardry series, great RPGs, and after seeing it in the stores for so long, my resistance broke down - and I bought it. ... And with everything I have to do and the trip I'm going on, I probably won't play it until December. (I am such a fucking idiot.)

Thursday, November 13, 2003

Many years ago, with Rosa...

It doesn't happen that often, but sometimes during the day I hear the voices.

Now, for the sane out there, let me explain something. The "voices" aren't exactly voices. They don't tell me things or speak to me but there is a sound there - like a deafening, hard to hear screaming. There's also a video element sometimes, flashing before me like a strobe. As with the voices, I can't always make something out. But sometimes...

So, I'm sitting here at my desk and - zippity zap - suddenly an image appears in my head. It's 1985, and Rosa and I are standing at the top of one of South Coast Plaza's parking structures. We'd just come out from seeing the movie, Creator, with Peter O'Toole and were talking about our futures together. We had no idea what was out there (or how tragically it would end) but we knew we could face it together.


And since the day I've lost her, my life has become something I find very difficult to face alone.

A few days ago, a line hit me: "Never find the girl of your dreams." You know, because if that ever ends, where do you go from there?

Where, indeed.
Not so Intelligent design...

Be on your guard, folks! Creationism has a new name.

Yep, those moronic fundamentalists decided that we could be bamboozled into believing that some spooky father figure said "Poof" and that's what created everything by changing what they call it.

Now, they've decided to call it "intelligent design". Hmmm... intelligent? What's so intelligent about ignorance? What's so intelligent about not asking questions? What's so intelligent about living in the dark.

They change it to "idiot's design", I'll go along with it.
Preparations begin for "Thanksgiving Adventure 2003"...

You know, this is beginning to be an annual thing! Well, I've got the week of Thanksgiving off, which means you won't be hearing from me from the 22nd to the 29th. Yep, I'll be on the road.

Where on the road? I'm not sure. I know I'll be hitting Tim & Autumn's place but the long-range forecast is so shoddy at this point (and it is "long-term" so it could be wrong, right?) that it looks like all the mountain roads are going to be socked in with snow. Not good. Ken does not have snow tires. As much as driving off a cliff to my doom appeals to me, with my luck the cliff will only be five feet deep and the doom will be a car repair bill.

Must think... think think... think think think...

The Christmas CDs are only partially prepared. I'll need to get those done before the 21st, even if it means not going to the gym. One thing I'll tell you - my voice could put a narcoleptic to sleep! I just drone on and on and on and... well, you know. Who the hell's going to want to listen to that?! (I better hurry up and find someone to blame this debacle on!)

I'm toying with the idea of visiting Audrey, my sister, while I'm in Oregon. Audrey and I have some bad blood between us after, a few years back, she asked me for dad's address so she could send him some rather vitriolic hate mail. I took that as an abuse of our relationship and have been at arm's length since. Now, I'm wondering what a short visit would hurt... and also what good it would do...

But I have a week and a half to figure that out... and to get the CDs together... and to find out about the weather...

We'll see then.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

There's always one more...

Now, it seems that Wesley Clark has jumped on the terrorism bandwagon. He's suggesting lots of Black Ops methods for killing the fictitious leader, Bin Laden, to counter Bush's carpet-bombing methods.

Why don't these guys get it? For that matter, why don't the American people get it? Am I the only one making the connection? Listen, folks, let's say for a moment that there is such a person as Bin Laden. Let's say, for a moment, that he's actually alive. Now, let's say you kill him. What do you think? That terrorism will magically disappear? Hell, no! Someone else will come and take his place. What do you do then? Kill him? Fine. More will take his place. You gonna kill them, too? Then, there will be more - and more!

There will always be more!

That's why killing people is not the answer. It has never been the answer - but our nation has decided to ignore the logic of this and try killing anyway - cause you just never know until you try, do you?

So, when are we going to be done trying?

And, once we are, what are we going to do then?
It's like that story of the guy who builds a bridge...

... except, then he decides not to but his friend tells him too but then, halfway, he tears it down, only to find out he really needed it.

You know... that old story...

Last night, I went to the first rehearsal for HELL ON EARTH... um, this Christmas play Steve's directing, which he suckered me into... you know, HELL ON EARTH. Turns out, I'll have to do seven performances - nearly twice as many as the original four I was promised, thank you very fucking much! I'm also on more pages that they originally mentioned. Basically, I agreed to a lie and was further lied to and that lie lied lying lye with a lie lie lie and a lo lo lo and a hey nannie no nannie ninni-ho! Fuck!... But, then, what are friends for? Once I agreed, they had me by the balls. I think Steve knows that I'll do anything to help my friends... I think Steve counts on that... basically, I think Steve made bets.

Worse, still, I have been asked to grow my mustache for this part. OH, COME ON! I just shaved, for crying in the mud! Something you should know about me, if you don't already, I am not a speed-facial-hair-grower! I've got three weeks until my first performance... eeek! I've been asked to grow my mustache so I look a bit older. While this might be flattering on one end, the reason I have to look older is because my "wife" is about ten years older than me...

And, so, I've been suckered in... again...

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

Rosa dreams...

Ack! More dreams about Rosa! I'm sorry, folks, but this is enough to drive a guy nuts. We were sitting on my sofa. My arm was around her and I held her near.

You can imagine that awakening was not too pleasant... at all.

Thanks to Tim, down in San Diego, I've recently been turned on to the work of Stephen LaBerge, author of a famous book about lucid dreaming. Lucid dreaming? The ability to realize you're dreaming while you're dreaming? Hmmm... that could be a very useful skill, considering the problems my sleeping life has caused me. I've done some reading on it but it looks like I'll have to read quite a bit more.

Something's gotta change, that's for sure. It's not like she's ever going to come back into my life. (I have to keep reminding myself to discourage hope.)

Monday, November 10, 2003

How was your weekend?

Busy. Busy. Busy. Oy, what a weekend!

Friday night, I hit the gym - hard! I did a massive workout in anticipation for helping Sean move Saturday morning. It's nice to know that I'm in good enough shape now to do that... if only it wasn't quite so round!

Saturday morning, I woke up early (groan) and drove to Sean's (sob) to help him move (nnnggggghhh!). He and a couple other people were already moving at full-tilt, though he'd only rented the moving truck an hour before. I dived right in to help them and, for as long as we were moving things, felt fine. After we were done, at around 2pm, and we were sitting around their new house, a very spacious mobil-home, things started to bug me. There, for instance, was a big picture of Sean et Megan's wedding party. Rosa was there. When no one was looking, I turned the picture around. And there were so many memories of when Rosa and I moved into our house. And I missed her so much! Within about a half and hour, I had to leave - between my heart breaking (it's rather good at it now) and wanting, and having, a cigarette - or I'd either smoke more or start crying or both.

Besides, I knew I had things waiting for me at home... or thing, rather. My plan was to do the recording for "Ken 3.7" Saturday or, at least, the majority of the recording. Ten hours later, yep at 1:00am, I finished - and I wasn't even finished! I still have to record the intro and the last bit. Oy!

I turned off my alarm and went to bed, allowing myself the luxury of sleeping in! I knew I wouldn't have to be awake until 10:00am anyway, to go to the movies with Keith.

At 9:30am, Keith called. "You know it's not ten, yet, right," I said to him when I answered the phone - after I ran around my apartment, searching for the phone. (Why don't I just let the machine get it?!) Oh, he knew. He just wanted to make sure we were still on for ten. (grrrrr!)

We went to the noon showing of Matrix:Revolutions. Matrix: Revolting is more like it! I couldn't believe how unbelievably bad this movie was. It was filled with characters I didn't care about, doing things of little or no consequence, to an end I could barely stay awake for! How this mighty franchise has fallen! I won't give you any details, in case you're determined to test your endurance, but I will say that, for my money, Link evoked the most empathy and there was only one small surprise in the entire film. Aside from that - tedium. It was depressing. Thank god I saw it for free!

After the movies, Keith and I were supposed to get together with my mom at 3:00pm, to watch a tape of "Play it Again". (Sadly.) At 2:30pm, my mom called Keith's cell-phone to make sure we were still on for three. MY GOD! My family is so anal! Well, Keith had to bail before the show - smart guy - but my mom and I watched it..... BORING!

I was a popular guy that night, my phone ringing off the hook... sadly, not with Rosa. Dwight, who'd been talking to me about the heart-ache he'd been going through from the loss of his girlfriend, called to tell me about his prolific dating. (Cause I needed to feel more pathetic.) Tim, from San Diego, called so I could listen to him smoke a cigarette. (Not only are there no women in my life but, also, no cigarettes for mourning!) He mentioned he might be in town next weekend.


Anyway, that was it. My weekend. I woke up early this morning and took a half-mile jog. Still 225 pounds - but working on it.
Rosa, Rosa... no Rosa.

It's been about two weeks since Rosa's baby was born, by my best guess. I'd asked her to read my letter after the baby was born so, two weeks after, I guess it's safe to assume she's read it. Still, no word from her. I guess it's pretty clear at this point that she wants nothing to do with me - she doesn't want me as a part of her life.

No joke now - when does the hurting stop?!
Small but LOUD...

The voices are hitting hard tonight - for the first time in a while. As a result, I'm having a devil of a time sleeping, despite a rather busy weekend. (We'll get into that tomorrow.)

As usual, as loudly as they may be screaming - and they are screaming - I can't make out what they're trying to say.

Here's a few bits of what I've heard, though:

Tell me what you lost.

I lost you and you and...

The rest is gibberish, background squak, like a mass of people trying to talk at once. It's enough to make a guy think he was going crazy... again.

Friday, November 07, 2003

The fucking moon...

What is it about eclipses?! We're having another tomorrow night! I just went through a lunar eclipse (and wrote about it here on My Side) back in April. Now - another!

I suppose I don't need to tell you that Rosa and I had a thing with the moon and, so, it hurts for me to look at it.

So, what do I need more than the moon drawing attention to itself right now?!

Fucking moon.
3.7 begins...

As I've probably mentioned, I'm working on a new project called "Ken 3.7". It's part of my Christmas present package presentation present... package.

With only two weeks ahead of me before these need to be done - hey, I'll be going to Oregon on the 22nd! - last night, I began recording.

... Okay... weird.

It was weird because it was something I should have been able to do. I mean, I'm an actor... right? And I'm a writer. So, reading my own writing should be a breeze... right? I started on a short bit about fast food. One page. Over and over, I read it to get it right. I had to rewrite a little of the clunkier parts (I'd written this years ago, after all) to help me wrap my mouth around the words. (I am infamous for writing things that sound good... if only people could say it.) Then, when I started recording it was: false start, false start, false start.

Two hours later, I was finished with the first recording. (This was before putting in effects, overdubs - oh, this is going to be a bitch if all goes as planned... but a beautiful bitch.) The end result was two minutes long.

Two hours for two minutes.

I'm in for a lot of pain.

Thursday, November 06, 2003

Suicide Watch... this month...

After my little trip to the Grand Canyon, it seems that whenever things aren't exactly smooth as glass in my life, my mom suddenly goes on "suicide watch". I start getting calls. Am I all right? Am I "handling" things?

What my mom doesn't understand - and not because I haven't tried telling her - is that, once I lost Rosa, nothing was smooth, nothing was all right, nothing could be "handled". This is not to say that I'm ready to try to kill myself again, having found out Rosa gave birth, having another reminder that Rosa doesn't want me, being forced to see how evicted I am from her life... no, that's not getting me thinking of suicide.

What my mom doesn't realize - and, yes, I've tried telling her - is that my life is one long nightmare. It stinks. It's painful and there's nothing I can do about it - but I'm not going to try to kill myself because of that. If any inner peace has been gained over the past six months, it's that my life just sucks, that is my life. I can't control that. I will forever be bereft of Rosa's heart and I will forever suffer as a result. The peace is gained in admitting that I cannot change that.

I know this sounds weird. Maybe that's why my mom doesn't get it.

So, I've got to make a call to my mom now and let her know I'm not going to kill myself... and remember not to blame her for bringing me into this world in the first place.
The Return of Health Day!...

This week's been quite a ride so far. I found out about Rosa having her baby, I sank into depression... and then there's yesterday.

Yesterday, I decided to try and get back on the wagon by returning to the gym. I didn't do a complete workout - after all I'd been smoking a bit - but I was close.

This morning, I woke up to find that I weigh 225! Finally, some progress made on my weight!

... but the weird thing is that this happened after not going to the gym...

... I should not go to the gym more often!...

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

work, work, etc...

A couple days off from the gym. After finding out Rosa had her baby. It was too difficult to move for a while, so I didn't.

I took some time to work on a couple Christmas cds. One is called "Love Out of Time". As I make more of these, I begin to see them more as art than just a silly cut-and-paste exercise of music. This cd talks about love but there's so much more and the title can be taken in so many ways. I like that.

Another will be called "Odds 'n Edsels", sounding as odd as the name. I decided it would make a nice counterpoint to "Love Out of Time" to make some silliness.

The third, "Ken 3.7", will be the most difficult. Most of the cd will be me. For the first time, I've decided to put myself on the cd - my monologues, Blog entries, thoughts, other things. This is going to be difficult because you usually don't just sit down and record. I'll have to, though, because I don't have a lot of time. Also, I'm planning on doing some rather complicated editing - and that will take some time. So, my plan right now is to get in there and just record and record and record until I'm blue in the face... see how that comes out.

I can't help thinking that this is a poor surrogate for having a child. But it's either this or nothing right now. I've got to force myself to be busy, force myself to ignore the sadness of reality. I'll be returning to the gym tonight.

Tuesday, November 04, 2003


There's been a lot of noice coming out of Repugnicans lately about this CBS mini-series about Reagan and how it should "be fair". (I only put it in quotes because they don't really know what it means.) As a result, the mini-series has now been cancelled.

You want fair? How's this for fair:

$640 Pentagon toilets seats; ketchup as a vegetable; union busting; firing striking air traffic controllers; Iran-Contra; selling arms to terrorist nations; trading arms for hostages; retreating from terrorists in Beirut; lying to Congress; financing an illegal war in Nicaragua; visiting Bitburg cemetery; a cozy relationship with Saddam Hussein; shredding documents; Ed Meese; Fawn Hall; Oliver North; James Watt; apartheid apologia; the savings and loan scandal; voodoo economics; record budget deficits; double digit unemployment; farm bankruptcies; trade deficits; astrologers in the White House; Star Wars; and influence peddling.
Two days later...

Well, I've slept. That's the good news.

Other than that, two days after finding out about Rosa's baby (through the fucking grapevine!) I'm in a lot of pain, both existential and otherwise. I don't have solid footing. I can't even seem to be able to string two words together.

So, let's keep this short today with: OUCH!

Monday, November 03, 2003

Rosa's baby...

Well, I'm back again. With no sleep last night, I decided to come into work early this morning. On the way in, I realized that my very brief entry about Rosa's baby probably was not communicated very well. Being a writer, that speaks rather poorly of me.

So, let me try again.

Rosa's baby was probably born around a week ago. Both mother and child are doing well. That Rosa is well is always a relief to my mind and her baby is a miracle worthy of a lifetime of love.

And so, you figure, that makes everything well and good and it should by all rights but what is left out of the equation is yours truly. I can't begin to tell you exactly why her birth fills me with such despair. Maybe it's because it's just another reminder that Rosa never wanted to have my children, that she doesn't want me, that she doesn't love me, and that I've lost her forever. (As such, it would be a reminder working overtime.) Maybe it's because I asked to be a part of this child's life and Rosa rejected me.

Maybe it's...

It's that third maybe that always kills me. It cuts open my stomach and leaves my guts hanging like yesterday's laundry. It eats at my head like maggots. It ruins any hope of ever moving on, of ever being happy again.

Maybe it's because I still love Rosa and miss her more than I ever thought possible, because I walk with her image always by my side, with her whisper forever in my ear, and her face implanted in my head, because I was supposed to be the father of her children (natural or step, it doesn't matter), because it's just not fair.

So, of course, I wish her all the best. She doesn't need my wishes, of course, any more than she needs my love, but there they are anyway.
Shit like this'll make you lose sleep...

At least, it did me.

Rosa has had her baby. Yep. Just one more consequence of my leaving her and another sign - if anyone needed another - that she does not want me.

I didn't sleep last night. How could I? My life lay scattered before me, an utter ruin.