Friday, August 29, 2008

And advanced blow jobs...

Madame Palin wants creationism taught in our schools, alongside evolution, because she thinks it would be good for kids to debate the merits of lunacy next to science.

She's real keen on debate.

Fine, then I want to see them teach Advanced Orgies right alongside their fucking abstinence (see the pun?) classes that have been proven so effective!

But don't call her Michael...

With McCain's choice of running mate, I'm left puzzled. Usually Republican'ts just leave me pissed.

So, McCain says Obama has too little experience but here he is, on death's door, ready to put someone with far less experience in the driver's seat when he inevitably dies of one cancer or another. Where's the logic?

Obama picks Biden, who has more experience, to take his place should anything happen to him. That makes sense. It follows the Kennedy/Johnson idea. But what's McCain going to say? "We need someone with very little experience in the White House! With less experience than Barack Obama! Because he doesn't have enough experience! So, we need less experience! I'm senile! I eat peas! Someone wash my bum!"

Yep... Republican'ts got it all figured out!

If God created us in his image...

... he must have self-esteem issues...

Do you realize we're the only animal that has to wipe its butt??? How'd we end up (no pun intended) with that?

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Teaching me why we never say never… except just then…

There’s an actor in Southern California who goes by the name of Robert Purcell about whom I cannot say enough good things. Is he a guy of his word? Yes. Is he the kind of person to help you out when you need it without a fuss? You bet.

Is he also the kind of person who lets you make an ass of yourself on your blog only to prove you wrong? Absolutely!

Robert has done me the extraordinary favor of finding another actress so we can do this play reading this weekend. I’m telling you, I am out of gas on this one but he took the steps I couldn’t and made sure things would work for me.

He has my gratitude.

Now let’s read a fucking play!

(… no, not you. But I could always use an audience if you want to come by. Otherwise, be assured you’ll be updated here.)

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

This is what I get for thinking I was still a playwright…

Well, it looks like the reading just isn’t going to happen. I spent weeks trying to wrangle people up again and again – but, no dice.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not the people who, when asked, said, “I’d love to be there but I can’t,” that I’m mad at. What pisses me off is all the people who said, “I’ll be there!” and then later said, “Oh, I can’t. Just remembered I have to floss my cat.”

What it came down to is that people don’t care about my writing as much as I wish they did. I guess that’s evident by my book sales. But I’m going to stick this out and try submitting it anyway, and I’ll hope it’s good. The whole point of reading it was to hear if it was any good. That’s a luxury I’m going to have to live without.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Dr. Ken and The Women…

(Sometimes you have to go for the obvious, Family Guy joke…)

In case I lose it, the point of this email is what a fantastic woman I married.

… Vicky. I’m talking about Vicky.

There’s been a bit of a shakeup down Ken way, a shake up of friends and maybe not friends. It started with Cindy, who has a lot of practice ending our friendship. Well, this time she “needed time” because Vicky made a joke. I understand that some people lack all of their senses, including their sense of humor, but I’m puzzled when that’s supposed to justify ending a friendship. If it was that frail, I guess I’m better off.

Then, in came Teresa. Teresa, love of my 17th year, regret of my life. She forgives me for the rotten way I treated her and has a good, happy life, which makes me happy. We email occasionally. It’s nice.

This, this week, I was spotted on a social networking site by three of my ex-sisters-in-law. After Rosa, I was sure she’d convinced her entire family to hate the ground I strode on but it turns out that wasn’t true at all. It also turns out that I wasn’t the only one punished by the divorce and Rosa seems to still be paying. It makes me sadder than words can express to know that her life is sad. I wish there was something I could do to help but there simply isn’t. It has nothing to do with Vicky, either. The face is, there’s nothing I can do. But it’s nice hearing from the ex-S.I.Ls and it’s fun starting fresh.

One of my worst mistakes back when I was with Rosa was in not holding the proper people accountable when they gave me the shaft. I’m talking about her parents, mostly. I made the mistake of taking it out on everyone, which was wrong and cost me a lot.

So, here I am, a married man talking with, at least, four women outside of my wife. (Can you imagine them all inside?) I am positive there is someone out there thinking, “If I was Vicky, I would tar his hide,” or something like that. Maybe it’s “She shouldn’t trust him, given his past,” or “He should be investing that energy on his wife.”

Here’s the thing. I’m tempted to agree. Listen, I know I don’t have the most sparkling history but keep in mind that Rosa was the one who pushed me into another’s arms through years of neglect and outright telling me to. And maybe it’s okay to have female correspondents. The thing is I think Vicky and I both know who I better never talk to if I like my balls attached and that’s Rosa.

Which brings me to another point, my ex-S.I.Ls had asked if Rosa and I still speak. They’ve implied that maybe we should. But I have been very clear. If I ever spoke with Rosa, Vicky would kill me slow. After all, Rosa was the one who broke me, stole from me, cheated me, and ruined my life. It’s not out of jealousy that Vicky is so demanding; it’s just the smart thing to do!

Which got more interesting when I heard that Teresa was coming into town.

Which brings me to my point. Here I am, talking to these other women, and Vicky is okay with it. She trusts me. She knows that my motives have less to do with them than others might think. Maybe she also knows that I want to screw every 3rd woman I see anyway; talking to these won’t change that. (And before you complain, most men want to screw every 4th woman they see. I just haven’t made it out of puberty, yet.)

I can’t tell you why Vicky is so understanding except to say she gets me. I’m not the kind of person to turn away friendship, even when it’s as superficial as online blabbing. But I know what other people would say, how they would respond, which shows me how cool Vicky is and makes me love her all that much more.

… and she scares me, too. There’s that.

Life ain’t worth living…

I don’t want to live in a world where #24 doesn’t have a head.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Why grant legal immunity???

Aren’t Shrub’s folks so smart? They said illegal wiretapping was legal and then made sure their business bosses got immunity. They said their actions were legal and are looking for immunity after January. And, of course, they say that everything we’ve done in Iraq has been completely legal…

… and now they’re starting to freak out because they might not get immunity.

From what, I wonder…

Rigged Elections? It’s their job…

If you even wondered how those elections got rigged – you know the Presidential Elections – In the United States of America – among others, well, you don’t have to listen to Faux News tell you otherwise any longer. Because the fine people at Diebold are coming clean. They defrauded America. They violated innumerable election laws.

And they’ll never get in the least bit of trouble for it… of course…

Sunday, August 24, 2008

In case you thought this all had anything to do with terrorists...

You may have been right. Only the terrorists are the folks working for the government. The folks taking your laptops without any warrants.

And now, the folks taking your vibrators!!!

That's right. Now, they can seize your sex toys. Not only do they not need anything in writing... where would they get it if they did???

I wonder about people who travel with a suitcase filled with pocket pussies but traveling salesmen need to earn a living, too. And, as for the folks travelling with suitcases filled with black, leather, dildos... well, Republican senators should have their rights protected as well...

Thursday, August 21, 2008

How many houses does it take?…

John McCain is just like you and me… he can’t seem to figure out how many properties he owns! Call it senility. Call it fucked-up greed.

Either way, it’s little more than a fumble on the Republican’tsTM radar. The bigger issues are how eager he is to start wars and abuse the environment and how hesitant he is to show compassion or to tell the truth.

But if knowing he can’t remember how many houses he’s bought keeps you from voting for him, I’ll take that, too.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Zombie McCain!!!...

If there was every any doubt in your mind that John McCain is just, plain evil, surely the way he laughs whenever he gives us bad news must have tipped you off. "There's evil out there, my friends. Obama wants to fuck your cattle." (Smile. Smile. Chuckle.)

Just plain creepy.

Now, if that doesn't do it for you, how about this:


Saturday, August 16, 2008

Your God can’t ride a fucking bike!…

I ran into a contingent from a group that called itself Cyclists For Christ (C4C) on my ride today.

Cyclists For Christ.

What’s the matter? Can’t he ride his own bike?

He’s all-powerful and all-knowing and, yet, he can’t ride a fucking bike?

Did the crucifixion play hell with his circulation? Or is he just a gimp?

Or are you raising money to send him to camp?

Seriously. These are the things I wonder about.

Friday, August 15, 2008

The problem always comes down to people…

We know that burning fossil fuels = global warming. Right?

McCain’s answer to our energy needs is to drill for more oil. Supposing he finds this wealth of oil, what do you think that would equal? More global warming! Right.

Our options are running low. Alternate power sources are great; I have stock in a solar cell company, myself. But how far does that go?

I wondered about this as I sat inside of Taco Bell at lunch today. I was watching everyone eat, even as I ate, and I wondered if perhaps we’re all in denial or something. I mean, here we are, living far beyond our means. We’re killing off our oceans, drying out our forests, squeezing every ounce of goodness from the land, even as we make more and more people.

When will we start taking responsibility for ourselves? When will we finally grow up? Or do we kill ourselves before we get that far?

Stinking while you work…

Yes, another post about biking to work. What can I tell you? You’ll hear more about my puppy and dead father, by and by.

So, I get to work this morning. I shower. I dress. I break my lock… like an idiot… but enough of that. Later, I’m sitting at my desk when people start talking about all the bikes that are stacking up. When I first started riding my bike in, I’d park it inside, in a cubby alongside the only other bike. Now, there are four bikes in that little cubby and it’s getting crowded!

We took a quick inventory of who rides. There are four of us… but two of them can’t understand why we need to bring backpacks and have lockers and… hold on… They don’t shower.

They ride to work (four miles and 10 miles) and don’t shower, don’t change; they just work in their sweaty clothes.

Now, listen, I’m not stickler for hygiene. Hell, I’ve spent many a drunken weekend in the same clothes until I can appreciate my own, natural perfume – but hey! After riding 10 miles, you should really consider bathing!

And I don’t know what was worse. The fact that they don’t or the amount of people in the conversation who suggested I didn’t need to…

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The play's the thing...

The new play, After You Fall, is nearing completion. I finished the first draft and was cruising through rewrites when news of my father's death struck... and then it became very difficult to be funny. But I fully intend to get back at it today at lunch, cutting the unnecessary, purging the unfunny.

Then, on the 30th - just a few weekends from now - the plan is to get some actors together at my house to read it all out loud. Comedy is different when it's spoken than when it's read so you really need to hear it. That's why you get some actors to read it before you know you're done.

... unfortunately, I've been so long from the stage that I know only a few actors and most of them are busy, you know, acting.

Used to be, Clostio and I would sit together for a preliminary read and I'd see if he would laugh. But he hasn't spoken to me in years - YEARS! - so I'm stuck without his help and without enough actors.

Enter Vicky and Jeff. Yep, I'm volunteering them to read with two actors I know. It shouldn't be too hard. A good play should be funny without any help, after all. As long as they can read, which I've been assured they can, we should be fine.

Check these pages for a full update later. Should be fun!

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Pot - Kettle - Black...

Now this one's rich.

Apparently, the Torture President is going to go "raise concerns" about China's human rights record. Now, listen, you won't hear me arguing for China on this one but anyone who thinks we Americans didn't abandon the high ground the minute we started torturing people needs a good smack in the head.

... I volunteer to do the smacking...

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

With the fishies...

I saw one of those great "10 Things You Can Do To Help Save Your Own Fucking Hide Before You Destroy The World With Your Fucking Plastic Shopping Bags" lists today and I was going to post it... Sadly, it's main crux was joining some group.

Being a joiner never saved anyone.

But this may. I thought it might be nice to help you out with an updated list on what seafood is good to eat, both for you and for the environment.

We can't eat everything, folks. No, seriously. We can't. Cut it the fuck out.