Wednesday, January 30, 2008


In the aftermath of Monday’s SoU Address, which had better be Shrub’s final SoU – no declaring martial law, please! – things got messy.

As the song goes, there’s got to be a morning after. In our case, it was a mourning. Vicky was up part of the night, talking herself out of throwing up. I greeted the dawn with pure and painful hatred. You see, Vicky and I had started the speech agreeing that we would just enjoy a bottle of wine. No shots for us! No! Then, one bottle turned into two; we needed fortification through Shrub’s complete insanity. Then, as he somehow threaded together multiple key words – “We must stop the terrorists in Iraq who attacked on September 11th from Al Qaeda who – drink, goddamn it! DRINK!” – well, we just had to take out the tequila and commence with the drinking.

Yep… wine and tequila…

Welcome to hangover country.

The problem with Shrub’s speech wasn’t just that he was a lame duck but how filled with lies the damn thing was! It was a lie sandwich with a side of lies! The sheer scope of his lies was so epic as to refute any attempt at categorization but, suffice it to say, whenever he tried to attribute anything positive to his administration, it made me want to drink. And I really wanted someone to smack him. Hey, Nancy Pelosi! Do us all a favor for a change, will ya?!

One day later came the Florida primary. If I hadn’t gotten drunk the night before, I would have last night. The political field gets sorrier every day. Let’s recap.

On the Republican side, McCain won. McCain likes to be known as a maverick but he’s succeeded in making nice to the party that blackballed him eight years ago just fine. He sided with Bush on the war. He sided with Bush on the "surge". He sided with Bush on the flushing of the Constitution. He almost spoke out against torture but then made nice because he wanted to get Shrub’s job. McCain is a maverick like I’m an NBA star. He wants to keep funding an unwinnable war on the back of our grand-children. No, thank you. After him comes Romney, “Mittens” as Rachel Maddow calls him. (And, by the way, I just love Rachel. She is terrific, fantastic – she’s smart and funny on toast.) Mittens will change any view to get another vote, even if it costs him two more, because he has the money to spread any lie about the other guy he needs to win. He is not what you would call “Mister Dignity”. That brings us to Huckleberry, the guy who isn’t shy about turning our government from a messy democracy into a neat and tidy theocracy. Finally, the only person to pull double digits in Florida was Guliani. Here’s a guy who thinks that losing every primary on the way to Florida will help him win Florida. Here’s a shock: he lost Florida, too! Rumor has it he’s dropping out of the race. Thank god! When your only winning attribute is having your city attacked, odds are you’re not the Captain of Security you think you are, okay?

Now, the Dems. I don’t know where to start. So, ladies first. I read today that Edwards was dropping out of the race – What? There are no ladies! – and I have to say that it’s a shame. It’s also understandable. The fact is that Edwards is a perfectly viable candidate. He’d make a good president, far superior to that empty suit who currently inhabits the Oval Office. The problem is all about timing. Edwards is a good man but the thing is his timing stinks. He just happened to run in a year when he’s up against Barack Obama. More on that in a minute. As for Clinton, I am ashamed. Last night any support I had for her went away when she admitted to cheating. She said that she would make sure the Florida delegates were seated at the convention, when the primary rules state that they are not to be. (If you don’t understand why, you must read up!) Clinton wants to change the rules to work in her favor, which we all know from Kobayashi Maru is cheating. Our President should be an honorable person, a person who stands by what is right when the chips are down, rather than trying to change the facts to match a preconceived plan…. which sounds a lot like Shrub…

And that leaves Barack Obama. I wish Edwards wasn’t dropping out of the race because he’s a very good man but I can tolerate it because it leaves Barack Obama. If I were to vote for a Democrat – keeping in mind only two remain – it would be Barack. Simply put, we need him. We haven’t seen his like in my lifetime. If he can keep from getting shot, he’ll probably make a great president. Sadly, that’s not a joke. We live in a country filled with hateful people. I might not vote for Barack – I’m not a Dem, after all – but I hope he does win. (Greens aren’t known for voting for winners. They vote their conscience.)

And so, we’re through two days of rough, political events. Next week comes Super Tuesday… this is like the halfway mark in the political season. It probably won’t decide the candidate but it is bound to illuminate things quite a bit.

I can’t wait!

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