Viva! We're Horny!...

(You took a minute and asked yourself, “Do I really want to read this?” Didn't you? Yeah, I understand.)

Have you seen the new Viagra commercial? Bunch of guys sitting around inside an abandoned building singing about how horny they are to each other to the tune of “Viva! Las Vegas!”? Doesn’t that commercial give you the creeps?

I mean, seriously, what’s the story here? At some point, they all had to get together for one reason or another. Let’s say, just for the sake of argument, that they’re all in a band – in fact, let’s say they are a band. “Vas Deferens and his seven testes.” These guys really rocked back in the day – they were a hard act to follow – they stood proud and erect – they could all get it up, is the general point here.

Now, old men, all they can do is sit limply and strum flaccidly or stroke unresponsive keys.

Okay, I think the point is made.

But when did they decide, “Let’s sing about our inability to get a hard on!” At what point did this become an option?

“Wanna play Layla?”

“How about Paradise City?”

“I know what we should do! Let’s all sing together about our inability to get a hard on!”

What the fuck?

Now, I’d be lying to you if I said that was it. No, it gets worse!

After singing several refrains about their inability to please a woman, their pathetic manhoods, that bundle of skin that hangs from their lower abdomen with all the necessity of an exterior appendix, all the guys suddenly bolt out of the building. They run into the vehicles and drive off in a panic. It’s as if somewhere in the song an epiphany like a white hot shaft (forgive me) of light has struck them each in the forehead, saying, “They make a pill now that will make you hard. As long as you can remain in denial about it, you can pretend you’re still of some use when it comes to sex and it’s not all thanks to the pill. Because hard on pills are what this world needs – far more than, say, a solution to global warming or, perish the thought, actual fucking human intelligence – and now, you pathetic hick, now you can both beat your woman and rape her!”

And they drive off like a – well, like a man to Viagra.

And my hope for humanity threw up a little bit…