Looking at the bright side of fat…

Vicky and I were at South Coast Plaza yesterday – listen, I know, I’d normally never even go but Vicky had a gift card, so…

We made our way to Macy’s with the idea that we’d eat first and then watch Vicky go crazy with the shopping, but then we came upon the shoe department and, well, all was lost. So, I took off on my own.

Now, South Coast Plaza isn’t exactly a mall for men – well, not for men who aren’t clothes whores. (Would you believe that, until a few minutes ago, I thought the phrase was actually “clothes horse” and I thought it would be so much better if it were “clothes whore”… turns out, it is!) Normally, I’d hang out down at the book store or the electronic data of choice – DVD, CD, etc. – store. I’m a data whore. I love books and DVDs and CDs. I’m weird.

I would love to be a clothes whore. In fact, I think I’d make a great clothes whore. I was looking at these Armani suits yesterday that nearly made me… well, I liked them. The problem is, it’s tough to be a clothes whore when you’re fat. And I’m fat. I would never look as good in those clothes as, well, thin people would. So, I tend to admire all those cool clothes from far away… far, far away… from outside the store, actually.

My goal is to lose my “Vicky weight” – you know, all those pounds I’ve put on since Vicky and I were wed – and get back on stage. Once I get down in the 220 – 230 range, well, maybe then I can be a clothes whore, and I can start buying expensive suits and styles.

Oh, but wait, I had to return to Macy’s and find Vicky. Maybe one clothes whore is enough for one family…