Now how much would you pay?...

Does the title sound like a pitchman? Well, I’m feeling kind of like a pitchman these days, so it’s not for nothing.

What if I told you I know what success is and how to find it? I am the first to find the answer (albeit an answer that is right in front of us all). And I’ve put it in my new book, Climbing Maya.

Does that sound like spreadable cheese or what? I might as well become a telemarketer. That’s what it sounds like to me.

But it’s true. I took a scientific approach to finding success and not only came up with a definition better than the dictionary but also found a way that every person can find success. If I die tomorrow, I will have done that much and it’s a lot.

What’s the problem?

The reactions! Not one person has been the least bit impressed. It’s like climbing Everest and having people say, “Yep. Big mountain. Did you have lunch up there?” Don’t you guys get it?! Everest! The tallest mountain in the world! “Yep. Bet’cha got some nice photos, eh?”

Vicky read Climbing Maya and said, “Yeah, it was good.”

Sean read Climbing Maya and said, “I enjoyed it.”

Um… excuse me… ?

Jenn started reading Climbing Maya… um… started…

My two mom’s (coming this fall on NBC) are reading it. Neither of them are overly impressed by the discoveries… or, as some might say, the discoverzizzles… they’re just, “Oh, golly. It’s awful nice to read about you and your pals and gee, it’s nice to read all about you now, don’cha know?”

… um… I know what success is…

Okay, seriously, I’m not that offended. This is just the way my life works. You get to be my age and you stop expecting people to be impressed. It’s harder for me to be impressed because I know how faulty I am and how much a goofball I can be.

Which is probably why I feel like such a huckster. “Success! Come on over for your success! Only $19.95 and success can be yours today.”

I once wrote a short story that was called, “You too can have spiritual enlightenment.” It was a story about a book with that title. The main character walked into a spooky, old motel one night and found it on the bedside table. He read the book and thought, “Hm, that’s it, huh? Well, that doesn’t seem like so much.” And he moved on. (I was playing with the idea of single page stories back then.)

In the end, impression is rarely a localized event. You can’t be impressed with yourself for too long. The monotony of life is far too ubiquitous for anything to chase it away. And family and friends never fall for it. You can climb Mount Everest all you want but, sooner or later, somebody is going to beat you at Scrabble. No, impression lies far over there and to the right with somebody else. And then, they won’t tell you because, well, they’re too impressed.

You just gotta deal.

Meanwhile, I’ve got to keep playing the huckster. I’ve got to start sending this book out in the hopes of impressing some agent or publisher. Maybe they can pay me some money for it…. which is not the same as success… but it’s nice just the same…