I’ve almost been afraid to say this because I might “jinx” it or something.
But, here goes… Today I officially start my third month of not smoking. That’s right. I haven’t had a ciggie in two months.
You can close your mouths now.
I’m really proud of myself so far and hope to keep things going. In case you’re wondering how you can quit, too…
Quitting Smoking Ken’s Way
1) Get sick. Get really sick. Pneumonia’s good. Get that.
2) How do you like smoking now?
3) Pretty fucked up, huh?
4) Okay, now here comes the hard part.
5) Once you’re better… don’t smoke.
6) Keep not smoking.
7) Yeah, this is fucked up, too.
8) The whole thing is fucked up.
9) Fuck this! I want a smoke!
10) Wait! Hold on! You’re not smoking. Remember?
11) Think of all the benefits your body experiences by not smoking.
12) Face it. You’re a mess. You need all the help you can get.
13) After you gain 30 pounds in the first week, resolve to hit the gym.
14) Now, go to the gym.
15) Now, go inside.
16) Now, get on a machine.
17) Any machine.
18) Just pick one.
19) No, not that one. The other one.
20) There. Doesn’t that feel better?
21) No, don’t just sit there.
22) Take up jogging.
23) Feel your lungs hurt? That’s what smoking has done to your lungs. You’d probably be better of not jogging.
24) Keep it up anyway. Isn’t this fun?
25) What do you mean, “It starts with an F – U?”
26) Oh, I get it. Really funny.
27) Still want to smoke? That’s okay. Just cut off a digit every time you get the urge.
28) Sure, you can include toes.
29) Learn how to type with your nose.
Yes, I’m feeling great. Can’t wait for month three.
Mind you, if Clostio was around, he’d probably reward me with a ciggie… (I had to get that one jibe in. The jerk hasn’t spoken to me in a year!)