Sometimes, these blog entries are just a way for me to write something I think is cool.
For instance, this past weekend I was driving with Vicky and I mentioned to her how I've felt myself changing ever since I quit smoking. This weekend, by the way, was the first time I used that phrase: I quite smoking. It's daunting, kind of scary, but I think after six months - and that day is coming soon - it's going to be hard to say I'm just taking a break. Anyway, I've felt myself changing since the day I decided to stop and the reason I have felt it is because I am fighting it every step of the way.
I said to her, "I'm looking at tomorrow through yesterday's eyes and I'm afraid of what I see."
Then, I thought, "I need to write that down..." Of course...
So, what do I mean by that, anyway? It seems to be that the most difficult changes in life come from within. They're often not about jobs or location, the projects we work on or the things we do from day to day. For me, at least, the most difficult change is the one where I say, "I'm going to do this and I'm probably going to be the only one who appreciates it." Quitting smoking was just the first step. The big change is not just stopping my self-destructive behavior but ending the part of my life that was dominated by self-destructive thoughts.
I mentioned Can language the other day and how I was trying to change my language from Can't to Can. This is a part of that. I guess, in a way, it's also a step closer to Buddhism. It's accepting reality and actively participating in the world I inhabit. For instance, my job sucks; I don't need to tell you that. Normally, I'd fight it, get sick, stay home, make things worse, get sick, stay home, etc. etc. etc. This time, I've decided to accept that life is often unpleasant and do the best I can. Here's another example: Rosa. I've missed Rosa for nearly a decade and have made myself emotional and mentally sick by not accepting that. So, why don't I just accept it, accept what I've lost with what I've gained, stop trying to have it both ways - you can't be happy while constantly grieving - and embrace what's real?
Because the man I was yesterday is looking out of today's eyes and doesn't want to give these things up. Change comes with certain challenges. But accepting today and letting the past have it's due is a part of that. Again, nothing I do with directly affect anyone else - but, perhaps, if I can be a better person, a more positive person who embraces life, maybe people will see me that way and see me as I really am. Or, maybe not.
Either way, what's important is how I see myself. With today's eyes, not yesterday's.