Thursday, October 16, 2008

After 43 years - the verdict: FAIL...

I was reading about the FAIL meme this morning (over here for the unwashed) and I couldn't help but think: Yep, there you go. That's you.

I suppose I should explain. My birthday has long been my least favorite day of the year. It is a constant reminder of just what a joke my life has been and what a humiliating experience it is to be me.

Let me explain. I have lived my life and really worked hard to do the one thing I want to do with it; that is being a writer or even an actor. Okay, that's two - but an artist in one form or another. So, I've acted - or, at least, I've tried ot act. I've written 16 novels and 5 plays. And yet, I've been an abject failure at both. Some people think trying equals succeeding - but honestly, do you pass by the bum on the street and say, "You're the President of the United States!" No. You don't. And for that same reason, I don't see myself as a writer or an actor, no matter how much effort I have put into it and continue to put into it. In fact, the way things have turned out, the only thing my efforts have given me is a pretty crappy job at a pretty crappy company. Honestly, it's pretty pathetic.

I like to think of myself as a fairly decent, good-natured, nice guy. But I've never had a lot of friends. I've never been the guy who has the big birthday party. I can't even tell you how many birthday parties have been thrown for me because it's so embarrassing.

Which is probably why I just want to go home tonight - from work, cause abuse on your birthday is important I guess - and eat Ramen. Cause, really, what's the point? Vicky will probably want to go out, but mostly because she won't want to cook and will feel guilty about that. It's traditional at this point to say "Vicky is the one good thing I have in my life" - but the fact is she's a person in my life, not my life. She's doing fine - but we've been fighting so often lately I don't have the energy to make the platitude.

Of the few friends I have: One wouldn't even invite me to his wedding this month and when he asked me to be his friend in Facebook, didn't even say so much as "Hi". In fact, he still won't talk to me. Another one can't be bothered unless it's to tell me about his sex life - and that's what I want to hear. The rest can't be bothered. As much as I like to think of myself as a writer, nobody I know wants to read anything I write - which leads me to believe that you readers are strangers.

Nobody really gives a shit.

And there you have it: FAIL.

I'm staying away from EPIC FAIL. I don't think I'm there quite yet... but every year brings me closer.

I guess I'm saying all this to share the misery a bit. I mean, I know there are plenty who are worse off than I. That's obvious. There are plenty far better off, of course; they stopped reading after paragraph one... several years ago. But there may be quite a few at the same level of misery and I want you to know - I get it. I'm with you. We'll get through this Every day brings as much hope as it does just as much abject failure.

Today sucks. Tomorrow sucks ass. The day after sucks zombie ass.

But the day after that could suck a whole lot less. You never know. It's been 43 years now. Odds have got to turn one of these days...

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