Wednesday, July 23, 2003

Nightmare Chiller Horror Theater...

And, so, the nightmares continue.

The first thing I can remember is an image of me on the patio, drunk and smoking. Then, I saw Rosa and Michael, rushing to the hospital to deliver the baby. Then, there I was on the patio, drunk and smoking. Then, I saw Rosa giving birth, Michael holding her hand. Then, me drunk and smoking. Then, Rosa holding the baby and Michael kissing her. Then, me drunk and smoking.

I woke up screaming. I screamed so hard it hurt.

Why do I still have nightmares over Rosa? How long will this go on?

When you love someone with all of your heart and soul, it's not that easy just to stop. And it's harder to start again when you never wanted what ended to stop. My nightmare paints me as someone wallowing in self-pity while Rosa moves on with her life - an image that would make her pleased as punch, I'm sure. Sadly, though, I can't help but think that's exactly the case. I don't date. Hell, I hardly talk to women. It just feels so wrong - as if a part of me is saying, "Aren't you supposed to be married?"

The answer to that, of course, is, "Yes." I am supposed to be married. Sadly, the woman I married wasn't fond of that idea. And while I may be over the horrid guilt of what she pushed me into doing, I wonder if I'll ever be over the loss.

Not yet, that's for damned sure.

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