Pimping for the Lord…

My mom has decided to make a Christian out of me.

She's going to be sorely disappointed. (One is tempted to make a comment here, such as "What's beneath my toenails should cover it.") (But I won't.)

She sent me some evangelical literature the other day, written by Billy "The Axe" Graham. Mighty nice of her, except I never asked for it and she never bothered to ask if I'd like it.

Now, I've never been fond of pushy people. If she'd been a salesperson, I would have told her to eat shit. If she'd have been a stranger, I would have told her to fuck off. But, she's my mother, so I decided a nice phone call was in order.

"You know I'm not Christian," I told her. "Sending this stuff to me is a complete waste of time."

"Well, it's my time to waste," she replied, missing my point completely.

I felt like telling her, "Look, even if believing in an imaginary man up in the sky was in any way remotely rational, I still wouldn't be a Christian because, for the most part, Christians are evil people. They're opposed to welfare. They promote wars of aggression. They spit on the Constitution. They are hypocritical, pushy slime who would be struck down by their God in a wrathful way… if he existed."

But, I didn't. I got off the phone and disposed of her package with the cat shit.