More upset than...

It's been a hell of a morning.

Let me start from last night. When I got home last night, I was barely able to move. It was all I could do to hold it together at work. After sleepwalking and nightmares, I was pretty much at the end of my tether.

Then, Tim called. Tim seemed to think that my problems stemmed from Rosa - I know, obviously - and that my mind would be put at ease if I called her. I thought it was stupid because calling her could bring no good; I was sure of that. But I called her anyway, just to shut him up. I got her voicemail and said that I'd been pretty upset since seeing her Friday morning and that Tim had thought it would help if I called her and said, "Hi." I was about to actually say "Hi" when the voicemail cut me off and disconnected me.

Last night, sleep was awful. Only one nightmare but most of the evening was spent tossing and turning. This morning, I was exhausted and didn't get up to go to work until late.

My usual morning routine includes checking my email before I go (never know when one of you readers might write)(or both). Rosa had written me an email. In it, she basically said that when she was ready for love in her life, it wouldn't be with me - and to leave her alone.

It was like a shovel to the head. Now, I can barely move. My tether has broke. I can barely keep my head together. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I make no promises.

Things are pretty bad, folks. Pretty fucking awful.

Tim said the call might provide closure. I don't want closure. I want an ending. An ending to my pain, the pain of losing Rosa.