Sunday, January 04, 2004

Welcome to 2004...

The new year started off a lot like last year - nightmares. It started in Arizona (well before the new year - call it "Stories from Arizona - Part Two") and continued even after I'd returned. I was lucky it was a short work week. I caught little snippets of sleep during the week and, as you know, met Karrie for tea on Tuesday night.

Wednesday night, New Year's Eve, I went with Keith to see "LOTR - Return of the King". Fabulous movie! Many, many thumbs up! Before going, I did something I'm sure many people would disapprove of: I called Rosa. I got her answering machine and left her a message, wishing her a happy new year. Okay, I know she's ignoring me but I guess I'm too stubborn to accept it. Also, with all these Rosa nightmares, I felt I should take some action, like it might help. You know?

After the film, Keith and I sat on my patio, drinking martinis, and listened to the gunshots at midnight. (It's just the city where I live. What can I tell you?) That night, though Keith left shortly after midnight, sleep was denied me again as I felt nightmares creep in.

On New Year's Day, I started experiencing problems with my computer (thus the silence on My Side until now). I worked on it a bit and, though I was plenty tired that night - no sleep.

I call them "waking nightmares", that panicked feeling that hits as I try to sleep, the shadow of nightmares falling onto me.

So, having not slept again, I didn't go into work on Friday.

Friday night, Karrie and I met for dinner. We didn't go out - she'd hurt her back - I brought Chinese food over to her place and we watched "Reign of Fire"... gawd-awful movie. We had a very nice time, laughing and talking the whole time. We have a lot more in common than I'd expect (than we should) considering our very different backgrounds. Despite that, I still don't feel any real attraction.

That night, more waking nightmares and no sleep.

Last night, as I started to drift off the waking nightmare was very vivid. There was Rosa and there was I, begging her to end my suffering. You can imagine why I wouldn't want to go to sleep.

Today, after so many days without sleep, I was kind of a basket case. I sat outside and wondered for a moment if I was suffering all that much. The answer: of course I am! My life is constant torment AND I WANT IT TO STOP! Every time I think I've made progress, something like this happens. I'm tired of suffering over the loss of my love. Nearly four years now and still it continues!

I'm hoping I sleep tonight. One way or the other, I've got to go to work tomorrow.

Wish me luck.

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