Monday, February 14, 2005

Valentine's Day, after all these years…

This My Side is about Vicky. I write about Vicky in this space as much as I used to write about Rosa. Just get used to it and shut up! Anyway, as I said, this is about Vicky…

… it's just going to take some time to get there, is all.

When I was a kid, I never had Valentine's. Never got cards. Never got dates. Girls just didn't like me. I was the shy kid with glasses, the little, wimpy kid. And so, year after year, nothing.

I think applying Valentine's Day to kids is a stupid idea, anyway. What the hell do kids know about that shit?

But even when I got into high school, I was pretty much overlooked. Even when I had girlfriends, it was never around Valentine's Day. Christmas? Sure? Summer? Sure. Autumn? NO! NEVER! Honestly, Tim, it meant nothing!!!!!

….er, where was I?

Then, of course, there was Rosa, with whom I celebrated nearly 15 Valentines Days (Valentine Days?). Now, you'd think with so many of them that one or two would stick in my memory. But, no… nothing. I can hardly remember. I know they happened. I remember cards and dates and things but, with the trauma of our divorce, it's all buried under so much scar tissue.

After Rosa, the only people I dated near Valentine's Day was DeAnna and Kerry…. And DeAnna broke up with me the weekend before, after I had her gift ready and everything… And Kerry, as nice as she was, was nothing more to me than a good friend… though she did give me candy. But, basically, it was years of spending these stupid Valentine's Days all alone…. Probably getting drunk, if I know myself…

But then, along came Vicky. (See, I told you I'd get to her!) And she was good and she was fine. She was like a cool breeze blowing all the dust and cobwebs off of my shut-away heart.

I'm not going to recap the whole story. You know it. Met - proposed - moved in together - bought a house - and then realized we'd been together only six month. (Whad'dya know! I did recap!) But here's something I haven't told you, something Vicky does not know.

When Vicky and I were first together, I was crazy about her and had no doubts at all about how I felt. Then, I proposed. And then, we moved in together. And I realized something that really frightened me. I realized I didn't love her like I loved Rosa. You see, I loved Rosa with a love that was totally encompassing and, well, a bit intense. (He means "psycho".) But my love for Vicky is lighter, it's easier, it makes me feel good. And I was terrified that this meant that I didn't love Vicky as much as I loved Rosa.

So, I went to San Diego to visit Tim and I told him about this. He told me not to worry. Of course, I loved Vicky differently, that's just how it worked. "You're never going to love anyone as intensely as you did your first," he said.

So, I took his advice and hoped things would change.

They didn't.

And now, here I am, at my first Valentine's Day with Vicky and I can tell you that I'm glad they didn't. I'm glad I don't feel so intensely about Vicky that it drives me nuts. I'm glad I can just sit by Vicky and enjoy her being there. I'm glad and I realized something Tim didn't tell me that day and that is that it's better than when I was with Rosa. This is so much better and so much nicer, which only makes me love Vicky even more.

I've waited a long time for this and it has certainly been worth it.

Happy Valentine's Day, Vicky. I love you very much.


Vicky said...

It's funny how we both had similar uncertainties about the intensity of our love during the same time period. As I've told Ken, I had essentially the same discussions with my good friend Trish. One thing I did know was that this was a love that wouldn't burn so intense that it could only consume that which started it before more fuel could be added. Our love was one that would burn long and true, it would allow us to continue to fuel it and it would provide warmth to all who came within its light. I love you too baby! Vicky

Ken said...

Ain't she sweet, folks?

Timothy said...

What matters here is that you're both consumed by the flicker that started the flame, and it's too late to turn back now.
Good Luck; we are all rootin' for you both.