I am okay.
This Blog, like emails, are a real pain when telling something in sequence.
Where I am now isn't where I was yesterday, when my guts felt so awful, when I felt so empty, when I couldn't imagine a future without Rosa. It isn't where I was this morning, having awoken from a night of dreams about Rosa, dreams in which we talked about mundane things or held each other and laughed. It isn't where I was when I got to work, when I was a zombie.
I can't really tell you about that. You just have to believe me, it wasn't fun.
But then, something happened.
I was having a cigarette (plans are in place for a significant cutback) when I had what can only be termed an epiphany. My eyes suddenly opened.
And I realized that I'm okay. There's nothing wrong with me. (Though this is a highly debatable statement, just let me have it.) I gave Rosa all I had to give and I would have given more - but she didn't want it. That doesn't make me a bad person, unlovable. When we decided to start talking and being friends again, I gave her that and put aside all of my fears (at least, when I was with her). When she told me she was pregnant, I embraced her and rejected my insecurities. When she needed time, I gave that to her. I did my best and didn't fail because of anything I did wrong.
I think, perhaps, because she was so unwilling to give, that, too, helps me see that this doesn't mean there's something wrong with me. Some people had conjectured that I wanted too much too soon - but, I promise you, I didn't. And I think it's easier to accept her rejection, knowing that I am okay.
That said, I know there are bad days ahead that I'll have to get through but I promise to do my best trying.
I'm not dead yet, folks.
Thanks to those who sent words of support and are helping me through this. It means very much.
I'll always love Rosa. She is the love of my life. I don't mind saying that.
Embrace the journey. (Words I'll try to stick by...)