Monday, April 21, 2003

So much happening...

I went to the movies with Keith yesterday. Keith and I are working on this whole "being brothers" idea. We've never really been brothers. I mean, we share the same parents but I've always felt closer to Dwight than to Keith. It's interesting (he's very right wing) but nice.

So, I'm at the movie with him yesterday. During the movie, he leans over and says something to me. I look at him and am shocked at how... familiar he looked. Of course, he's familiar - but there was something more there. It bothered me throughout the movie. Only later did I realize that when I looked at him in the darkened theater, I saw myself. There was a true sense of brotherhood, of shared origins and shared destinies, there.

I've always believed firmly in the idea that all men are brothers, all people are connected through a common web. What we do to the web, we do to ourselves. What we do to any living thing, we do to ourselves. (As uncomfortable as some might be with this thought, this includes Iraqis, includes "terrorists", includes Sadam Hussein.) But I don't think I've felt such tangible evidence before.

This brings me to Rosa... of course.

Rosa's been very distant of late. The pregnancy is very difficult for her - I mean this in a physical sense. She could lose this baby if she's not careful.

Today, her doctor ordered her bedrest until further notice.

I asked her if there was anything I could do to help.

She couldn't think of anything I could do.

I could.

I told her that it would probably be best for her if I took a few steps back. I let her know that I wasn't doing this out of anger. It wasn't because I didn't love her and want to be with her. It was because, on top of the stress of this difficult pregnancy, she did not need the stress of a new relationship. I told her I'd call her less, once a week, and that she could call me whenever she wanted; I would be there for her whenever she needed me. If she wanted me by her side, I would be there.

I told her I wouldn't date anyone until she was sure there was no chance of us being together.

What this will mean in the long run, I don't know. This is a huge sacrifice on my part, to be away from the woman I need so desperately in my life. But I feel that it is not a sacrifice to her, it is a sacrifice for our love, for our relationship. Giving this to her, I feel, is an act of atonement, at-one-ment. We are joined more surely than I am with my brother. We are joined by a bond stronger than our marriage vows. As I am willing to do anything to be with her, I am willing to be away from her if that means it will help her.

This is tough for me. I've been having panic attacks lately. I'd never had panic attacks before, never even had them during my nervous breakdown. Now, panic attacks. (Great.) But I knew that they were caused by this terrible feeling of helplessness, impotence. Rosa wouldn't let me into her life, wouldn't share her life that I so desperately needed to share in. In taking this action, I feel I am not only helping Rosa but I may be helping myself.

I told Rosa we would talk - not just talk but TALK - about our relationship late next month. Perhaps then, she will see things clearer. Perhaps then, she will understand what I understand - that our souls are truly joined and we are truly meant to be together. Perhaps not. It may turn out that I will be alone. But haven't I been? And surely there's no better time to show her just how much I love her.

What does love mean? Doesn't love mean that you are willing to sacrifice that which is most important to you? Could I tell her I loved her and not give her this time? I don't think so.

Those who read the "Kenmails" during the past year, might have seen one early this year wherein I forecast that 2003 would test the strength I'd gained in 2002. I don't know how I knew that but, surely, it is coming true.

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