Wednesday, April 30, 2003

Universal Unitarians... Unitarian Universalists... UUs... Double Yews...

I went to a Unitarian Universalist service this weekend, the hardcore atheist tip-toeing cautiously out of his cave...

Now, a word to you about my religious beliefs - and the lack thereof - I have always like to keep my spirituality in small letters. So, when I saw I am an atheist, it is as an "atheist". When I saw I am a buddhist, it is not as a "BUDDHIST". Keeping things in lowercase helps keep us humble - a philosophy with which no christian should disagree.

So, I went to a UU service. I went because I wanted to find some place where I felt I belonged, some place where I could be comfortable. This was before Rosa broke up with me but I think I could see it coming. (And yes, I'm still in a lot of pain every day.) I needed to find some place that wouldn't hurt me.

I sat down in a church more full than I would have given it credit... and felt... completely, utterly alone. And I realized, "Ken, this is your life now. You're alone. There's no a whole lot you can do to change that. I know this isn't what you wanted. This isn't what you hoped for. This wasn't your dream. But this is what you got."

Needless to say, I didn't have a great time.

UUs are an interesting bunch. The service was one part psychology/philosophy/history lesson, one part pagan/ancestor worship, and one part new age, um, crap. This was a flighty bunch, a silly lot, weird in the way of going to a Russian restaurant in the middle of Seattle -

And I think I liked it. Nobody talked about vengeance - they talked about healing. They didn't use the language of us or them. I couldn't see them supporting the war. And I can't imagine any of them killing a doctor.

I might go back.

But it won't change the fact that I'm alone. I don't know if that was my original intent but it sure drove the nail home. Last night, I thought about how connected I still feel to Rosa. I feel a tether that ties us together and, yes, it connects at the heart. I can feel it tangibly. Somehow, I need to let that go... but I don't know how.

And, so, another day...

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