Last night would have been my third night without sleep. I didn't want that to happen but Rosa had just told me she was in love with another man.
It didn't look like I'd be sleeping.
There's one thing you don't want to do, however, when facing a life you'd rather not be living and that is be conscious. I don't know if I can even explain this well enough but, basically, I'm in a place where I don't want to DO anything. I don't want to play video games, watch movies, read, write, listen to music - I don't want to pass the time because, for me, the time won't pass. I am stuck in a state that can't just be brushed aside with entertainment.
So, I drank. I figured alcohol would help take the pain away a little - Hey. A million alcoholics can't be wrong.
Eventually, after a bottle of sauvignon, I passed out.
But, you know what? Another day just followed it. And now, I've got another day to think about how Rosa's in love with another man and how my heart has been crushed. Another day to think about how she won't be mine. Another day to think about all the plans I'd made - helping her raise her child, having one of our own, growing old with her - will never happen.
Worse, I'd compiled a couple of cds, to celebrate in some small way our return - and now they are just so much bunk. And the music runs through my head - over and over -
"Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breath and to love you..."
"I know you're out there somewhere, and somehow I'll return again to you..."
"We go together, like a wink and a smile..."
I can't stop it.
When even your thoughts betray your heartache, it's not good enough to live one day at a time. You can't even live an hour at a time.
Today, I live in five minute increments... and every five minutes is very painful.
I had gone to the Grand Canyon last year to kill myself but was stopped from doing so. For the past couple of months, I'd begun to believe that I had been stopped for a reason. Now? I haven't a clue.