Thursday, April 10, 2003

My name's Ken. I am an insomniac.

"Hi, Ken."

Since my teenage years, otherwise known as the age of the dinosaurs, sleep and I haven't been the best of friends. I borrowed its set of metric socket wrenches once and forgot to give them back and then we stopped talking and our relationship was blown all together. So, it was around that time when I stopped sleeping.

Eventually, old age set in (that is, my thirties) and sleeping was easier for me.

After my divorce, however, it became pretty much impossible to sleep. Back in October of 2002, however, I cut off all contact with my ex-wife and, miraculously, I was able to sleep again. Oh, I was pretty damned miserable - in fact, a few months of that proved to me just how important she is to me - but, at least, I slept!

Last night, she talked to me about how hard this whole situation - her being pregnant with the baby of a man who didn't want to be with her while I was desperate to be with her - is for her to accept. She basically said she didn't want me. (NOTE: With her being pregnant, I'm not ruling out the idea that it might have been her hormones talking. In fact, I'm hoping it was. Still...)

I asked her if we could talk about this in person. My friend from San Diego, Tim, is coming up for the weekend. She doesn't want to get in the way of what was supposed to be a couple of days of wild debauchery but will now, undoubtedly, be a couple of days of listening to me bitch and moan, so she said we'd talk on Sunday. Oh swell. Three lovely days of not knowing what the hell is going on.

So, guess who didn't sleep?

Oh, this wasn't the first time. As soon as she was back in my life, all bets about sleeping were off. It's as though sleep is jealous of her and sulks off whenever she's around. So, I've lost more than my share of sleep in the past couple of months. Last night was just another night.

Here's what happens sometimes... like last night: You lay down in bed with your mind racing... and it gets later. Midnight passes. Then, 1:00am. Around 2:00am, you are finally tired enough to let yourself, after a depressed look at the clock, relax and fall into sleep.

You wake up thinking that it's morning and you need to get to work. You get up. You go into the bathroom to brush your teeth but before you do, you realize it's still dark out. You walk carefully back into your bedroom - carefully because the floor is littered with your very large shoes - and see that only fifteen minutes went by since you went to sleep. It's only 2:15 - and now you are definitely wide awake.


When I found out she was pregnant, I realized that it didn't matter. She'd gotten pregnant before I'd come back so it wasn't as though she'd been unfaithful or anything. All that mattered to me was that I loved her and wanted to share my life with her.

Sadly, however, it doesn't look like she wants me. John Lennon was wrong. Sometimes, you need more than love.

And if that won't keep you up at night, nothing will.

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