Wednesday, April 16, 2003

There are times when I don't know what I'm doing.

There are times when I'm pretty clueless.

There are times when I don't know WHAT THE FUCK is going on!

These days, I'm all three.

Rosa and I talked yesterday. Michael and I talked, also.

After only half a day, I knew the feeling of 37 years of failure crushing you into a soft, gelatinous goo... and I didn't like it. I knew I needed Rosa and I had to try again.

At this point, I'll just say that I know I'm the one putting out the effort here. I'm aware of that. You don't need to point it out. Yes, I am worried that this is how my life will be - but I'm more worried that my life will be worse. That is will be void of Rosa. So, I do put out the effort in the hopes that she'll see me and want me, too.

So, I went to her house at lunch yesterday, and we talked. It's true, she said, that she still loves Michael. This was why she wanted to take it slow because she didn't think it was fair of her to try to have a relationship with me until she knew she was over him. She also told me that she wasn't over the divorce. As much torture as I've put myself through over having left wasn't enough, it seems.

She still seems moderately interested in me - the way you'd feel about a peach or a jar of pickles, say - and she wants to take it slower. Slower than ever before. Sisyphean!

The upside to this is Michael. He seems to be very supportive, as though he genuinely wants the two of us back together again. Granted, this has got to be painful for Rosa, who has told me she's in love with the guy. It sounds very much like:

Child: Mom, can I have some chocolate ice cream?
Mom: No, honey, but you can have this CAULIFLOWER!

... or something like that.

Anyway, he seems to be a very nice guy and I think we'll get along... providing Rosa wants me around.

It's all very confusing. The only thing I'm sure of is that losing Rosa drove me to the brink of suicide - nearly to the edge in a literal sense. I don't want to have to deal with that loss again.

And, so, I keep trying.

I swear. If my life was a television show, it would have been cancelled years ago!

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