Saturday, September 13, 2003

Another sleepless night…

I’ve been up all night… wondering.

As early as two years before the divorce, Rosa was itching for a way to end it. And I could see it coming. I could see the entire house of cards that was my life toppling over. And I fretted and I panicked and I tried everything I could to hold the marriage together, even as it fell apart in my hands.

Rosa replied to my most recent email, if only to tell me that I should stop holding out hope. Out of a fifteen year relationship, the only thing she remembers about me was the fact that I ended it… she doesn’t remember her constant pleas for me to do so or the pain I was in when I did.

How long, then, have I been falling apart? How long have I known that my life was ruined?

… I gotta get some sleep. It’s just so hard to do when you’re on the verge of tears – but they won’t come. I’ve cried until my eyes were blackened (yes, literally) – I’ve cried enough.

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