Monday, September 22, 2003

Closing weekend...

The curtain came down on "Play it Again" this weekend... which is funny because the theater doesn't actually have a curtain... anyway - it's all over. Our final weekend was quite smashing. Yep... smashing. The audiences were wonderful, which really helps because they do half the work. I thought I'd peaked once but I went beyond that level closing night. In fact, at one point, I received about a minute of sustained laughter. It was quite a thrill.

But there is life and there is art... and life doesn't hold much allure. Now that the show is over, I've promised myself the next few months to try and figure out where I'm going and who I am. How does one do that? How does one begin to think about how one does that? I don't know.... but I've got three months.

I start immediately. After a few recent emails with Rosa, I decided things were going nowhere (as always). I couldn't convince her to take me back and figured it would be best just to send her a letter - a letter for her to open after the baby is born. Why? I think it's because I'm beginning to realize I never will get her back. She has the life she wanted and it doesn't include me. So, I'm writing a letter not just for her but for me, to provide some punctuation on that chapter of my life. She's gone. She's been gone for years. It's time to say goodbye.

Not that being single has worked out for me. Oh no. In fact, I did ask Lisa out and was rejected so hard I got whiplash!

This brought up a question at the cast party last night about redefining yourself in terms of a new relationship. I pointed out that, in my case, I don't have that luxury, and it really is one. I have the task ahead of me of redefining myself in terms of being alone. I mean, let's face it, that's the truth. And that doesn't make me a "strong person" or a "survivor" (as some have said). The simple fact is that I don't have any choice. This is the life I'm left with. Though the one I'd always wanted was torn from me, I'm still alive. (Try as I may...)

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