After nearly four years... have I come to rely upon my loneliness?
In a previous note, I mentioned that I leave some things out of My Side. After such a long weekend, there's quite a bit I've left out. And here's another one...
A few weeks ago, I had an opportunity to go out with someone. Her name was Lysa. Regardless of my reasons, I ended up not going. Worse, I ended up pushing her away. I spent a lot of time focusing on the whys and wherefores but, in the end, the thing that stuck was a fear that, after four years of missing Rosa, mourning Rosa, being empty without Rosa, I was just as afraid of losing that as I was of losing Rosa.
That brings us to this week - and, suddenly, two women are interested in me. (You heard it here first!) One of them is very attractive if not especially smart or accomplished. The other is smart and accomplished but she's not pretty like Rosa was pretty. I mention this to show you how, already, my voice of doubt insinuates its way into my brain. The cute one is a Medical Assistant, which Rosa once was. How could I date someone who does what Rosa did? I think, "I don't want to date anyone like Rosa." The other is nothing like Rosa. I think, "I don't want someone so different."
I try to stretch out the timeline from what would happen after a date and it doesn't take too long at all to realize what I'm so afraid of. I think, "You're going to end up hurt." And there you have my bottom line. I've been hurt so bad, I'm afraid of being hurt again. Not just afraid. In losing Rosa, I lost everything - my sanity, my sleep, my friends, and very nearly my life. Could I take that again?
I don't have much time for deliberation. One of these girls, Karrie, has asked me out for tea tonight. I'm so conflicted, I could cut my arm off at the pectorals.
I'll let you know what happens.