Merry Fucking Christmas to all...

Well, it's another Christmas - another Christmas without Rosa - so, should it come as any surprise to anyone that I'm depressed? Yes, depressed. Not suicidal, mind you but certainly "put your head down wherever you are and let the tears flow" depressed.

When did it start?

I was at Tim's this past weekend and realized that, as relaxed as I was there, my anxiety would increase relative to my proximity to home. (It's kind of like that bathroom law that say the closer you get, the more you need to go!)

Then, I went to the Cabrillo Playhouse on Sunday for the final Christmas show and was reminded of Rosa and Rosa's baby - or, more appropriately, Rosa's absence and how we never had a baby and never will and I'll always be alone and - AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!

After the show, I was given the gift of a personalized Christmas ornament. It was the first time I'd touched a Christmas ornament in four year - literally! It reminded me of the last time I'd touched an ornament. I was with Rosa. We had accumulated a collection of ornaments, all of which had a special meaning, and I - AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!

The next day, yesterday, at work, I saw all the Christmas decorations in the new building (we just moved) and thought about how wonderfully Rosa would decorate everything and how special it would - AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!

I went home. I could barely sit down. I was so upset I opened a box of Wheat Thins and started eating them until I'd polished off nearly a whole bag - just trying to take my mind off how much I missed Rosa - AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!

I went to the gym to get my mind off of things but I'd eaten so many crackers I was bloated. I started burping on the treadmill, which only made me feel worse because I wouldn't be seeing Rosa - AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!

I hurried back home. I thought about the days ahead without Rosa. When she was with me, we'd put up the tree, we'd lay beneath it and cuddle, we'd - AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!

I bought a pack of cigarettes. I needed to calm down. God, I hate the holidays.

Hope yours are happy ones.