Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Why can't things be simple???

Well, I went out with Karrie last night. Actually, we met for tea and talked for several hours. She's very nice... but... well... (Considering how my words could incriminate me, I'll just say the attraction wasn't there physically.)

As you could probably guess, the incrimination began almost immediately. "You're not attracted to her physically because you want Rosa. You'll only be attracted to Rosa." "You're punishing yourself over the loss of Rosa. You believe you deserve to be alone." "Then, why don't you leave? Huh? It's because you're afraid of loneliness - afraid of being to afraid to stop being alone!" "Note to self: Buy cigarettes!" "You could live alone for the rest of your life and never worry about this again."

This went on the entire drive home - and I did buy cigarettes - and I sat outside and smoked one.

I thought of some of the positives. Hmmm... she's a liberal... she loves nature... she has a good sense of humor...

But she's - And then the negatives... like an inverted pyramid, the biggest one was on top. She's not Rosa. She's a reminder that I'll never have Rosa back.

I lit another cigarette.

Is it my fault I'll never have Rosa back?... well... yes.
Am I to blame for her pushing me away?... well... kinda.
Could I have done anything differently?... um... sure.


But the bottom line is that I'm going to have to survive. Right? I've tried dying; it didn't work. So, if I have to survive, shouldn't I survive as best I can? ... This one took a while to answer... about a half hour.

I picked up the phone and called Karrie and asked her out to dinner on Friday. I'll find out then what I'm going to do. (When in doubt, put it off!)

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