Friday, July 09, 2004

It's the Anti-Women My Side...

Recently, we at the My Side Foundation did a study of my reader's demographics and it was determined and twice as many women than men read this Blog. Yes, that's right. Twice as many readers are innies (genitalialy) and not outies. (That's as close to a dirty joke as you'll probably ever read here... sorry...)

That said, it seems about time I complain about how all women are psycho. That's right. All women. Actually, Essex and I used to have a saying, "All women are psycho if you know them long enough." All chicks are nuts - just give them time. Say what you want about men - at least you KNOW they're crazy.

So, what am I talking about?

Let's start with my neighbor at work, Becky. Becky is a liberal. She likes to believe she's more liberal than me. She says that because she thinks I don't hate Shrub enough. I don't insult him enough and call him ugly. I don't call that liberal. I call that childish. There are plenty of other reasons to hate Shrub. Yesterday, she found a website and sent me the link. The website had a picture of Reagan with his eyes gouged out and talked about pissing on his grave. "Isn't that great," she asked. No, I actually found it very offensive. "I guess you're just not really liberal," she spat. Political leanings, I told her, have nothing to do with it. As vile as Reagan might be, he was still a person. Attack his politics all you want but he still felt and bled and hurt just like you and I. For that matter, let's remove any empathy we may have for our fellow bipeds. Try this: Being rude and insulting only makes a person less dignified and damages their own positions, not those who he chooses to insult. Of course, she didn't buy any of that. Perhaps it just goes to show how common decency has suffered at the hands of rabble-rousers - a critical loss, I think. Then again, maybe it just goes to show that all women are psycho.

We've also got into discussions about the candidate's wives. You know, Missus Pooch and Madame Ketchup - if I might be so bold. Personally, I don't pay any attention to such qualifications as "character", religious beliefs, or choice of spouse... or spice. But Becky says, "I think it says a lot about a man if he's willing to have a strong woman by his side or someone like Laura Bush." Again, good thing she stayed well away from personal judgments. My response was that you can't control who you fall in love with. You can fall in love with a complete psycho (as opposed to other women) or a squirrel. You have no more choice over that than you do the color of your hair. Oh sure, you could dye it, but it remains that same color underneath. Perhaps that just goes to show how well we've been bamboozled into believe that so many other things are important rather than how well a man (and I really hope this will one day be changed to "person") will perform as President. After all, didn't Shrub run on "character"? Then again, maybe it just goes to show that all women are psycho.

Hey, I mean, look at the women I've loved. More specifically, look at Rosa. Complete psycho. Rubber walls, long-armed jacket, pump her full of drugs, foaming at the mouth, have a baby with a man who doesn't love her and let him take over her life PSYCHO! True enough. But I loved her. She was everything to me and I nearly jumped into a huge pit as a result. That doesn't make me a rotten person; it just makes it harder for me to claim cynicism, that's all. Then again, maybe it just goes to show that all women are psycho.

And that only brings me to the current love of my life, who I'm really hoping to be the last, Vicky. First of all, what kind of name is Vicky, anyway? Those names that start with consonants, vacillate between vowels and consonants and then end in vowels - what does that say about a person? Huh? I mean, isn't Rosa the same kind of name? .... Isn't Kenny? What does "Vicky" mean, anyway? According to bubbaboo (a baby name site), it means "from Victoria". I happen to know that Vicky was born in Japan - so she's a LIAR!!! And then there's that who deep-fried turkey thing! That's just gross! I would never eat anything anyone found gross! (Would you like some peanut-butter and jelly ice cream?)(How about some top ramen?) Finally, there's this whole "taking things slowly" thing. Hey, Rosa wanted to take things slowly and she ended up having a baby with - well, you get the picture. And Vicky has a gay friend named Jeff... NEED I SAY MORE?? By my best guess, she should be pregnant in a few hours! She says she needs time to think and to sort things out. What's there to sort out? A completely life-altering decision that could mean the end of everything you thought was going to happen and the start of something completely new and pretty scary? Is that all??? Psycho, I tell you! Psycho!


Okay, so I guess you've figured by now that this whole thing was written with my tongue WAAAAAAY into my cheek, right? What can I tell you? I couldn't help it.

I've done a good job hurting people's feelings this week. It started with my entry about the barbeque held by her friends. The point of that was to show how pre-judging people is a bad idea and how our views need to be fluid to keep up with reality. I don't like it when people judge me based on one thing and I shouldn't do that, either. Only as the evening progressed and I saw more sides to these people did I realize how wrong I was to cast my initial judgment in stone.

Then, I said I was a snob - something I'm sure plenty of people have been wanting to call me but didn't have the guts... or were just too nice.

Now, Vicky wants to take some time to slow things down and think. She wants to try to think about this love thing logically. I can't understand this because I'm one of those "surrender whole-heartedly" kind of guys, and I have surrendered. I haven't felt like this about someone in a long, long time. As I said before, there are many ways in which I don't think I felt this way about Rosa. And she wants to think about this logically. And why wouldn't you? You meet a guy who you like, who starts telling you how much he loves you within just a couple of weeks... it's got to be a little overwhelming, I guess. So, I suppose I have to applaud her. I tend to apply logic to all parts of my life and leave emotions to my emotions - my "logic free" zone. If she wants to infuse it with a little logic, more power to her. I love her. I tease her, yes, but this is too important to me not to give her whatever time/space she needs. We'll have plenty of time later to fuck it up, right?

Oh, and as for Becky and Rosa. They are both psycho loonies and should be locked up... which maybe goes to show that 2/3 of women are psycho.

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