Ken? Feel guilty?
Hey, here's the deal. I just heard from Lori - who still reads My Side (Yea, Lori!) - and she suggested that I need to stop over-analyzing things when it comes to Vicky.
Well, you know, it got me thinking. (There's a big surprise.)
I don't know if the problem is over-analyzing.
Sometimes, I think the problem is jumping to conclusions.
Check this out. I've been thinking about house-hunting. The other day, when Vicky and I were looking at some of the listings our (trying to use the plural) agent sent us, I actually thought: Why buy a house? You're only going to lose it when you and Vicky split up, anyway.
Seriously. And I know what it is. It's because Rosa took the house when we split up and I was left with nothing.
And I realized I've been doing the same thing when it comes to getting married. Why get married? You're just going to get divorced, anyway.
It's a terrible thing to think. I know.
When I was with Rosa, I would think we could get through anything and we'd never split up. I always thought things would work out. Now, with Vicky, I actually have a contingency plan for when the seemingly-imminent break up occurs. (No, it doesn't involve the Grand Canyon.) And that's just not right. Rosa benefited from my naiveté and, now, Vicky is the victim of my cynicism.
And I'll even admit that this probably exacerbates things when we argue - maybe even causes arguments.
That's not fair to her.
And now that I've said all that, I should probably add that I don't know how this will change except with time. Rosa screwed me so hard (without lube) that I'm expecting it any minute. Maybe, with time, Vicky can help this condition go away. Intellectually, I know Vicky won't break up with me. She'd kill me first! But the part of me that gave everything I had and got screwed for it - is wary.
Which is pretty fucked up.
And I owe Vicky an apology. Sorry, darling. I'll work on that.