Friday, November 21, 2003

Final Day! Preparations to make...

Well, this is it. In less than 24 hours, I'll be winging... er, tiring (exhausting?) my way to the wild, wintery wonderland that is Oregon. This year's trip won't be nearly as pleasant as it was last year. I'll be facing much worse weather, with plenty of snow!

What will I find up there? Autumn's candy. Tim's smokes (a different kind of candy). A room - no sofa-sleeping for me this time! A place where Rosa and I never were, a place untouched by ghosts and demons (though I did see Deanna's doppelganger as a stripper the last time up!).

What am I looking for? A moment of peace, just a moment would be nice. Time away from the constant nightmare of my life. Time away from the black hole of Rosa's absence.

I won't have Internet access up there - so you won't hear from me again until December.

Here's a bit of irony for you. Last year, while heading back, driving through the Siskiyous and the mountain passes, I thought about some of the cliffs and how easy it would have been to steer my car over the edge and out into... This year, those roads will have snow and ice - they won't need my suicidal tendencies to make them treacherous. They'll do just fine by themselves.

Oddly enough, there's a part of me that looks forward to returning. I've got DVDs to watch and acting to do and This They Call Freedom to finish and writing to do and cats to pet and a life to live - what's left - if I can figure out how you do that without Rosa. But if you're looking for some difference between this year and last... this year I'm looking forward to figuring out how.

I know that sounds funny but... look. Rosa never replied to the letter. She never said a word. I asked her if she'd received it. She never said a word. Michael sent me pictures of their daughter, not knowing that Rosa had completely shut me out of her life. She never said a word.

What better sign do I need that it's over? I'm nothing to her. She got what she wanted. I still love her with all of my heart - but it's not enough for her. She's done. She won't even speak, it seems.

I've been thinking, recently, about the need for closure. I don't want closure. I don't want things to close. No, I'd prefer resolution. I'd rather resolve than close a problem. Maybe that's a difference between Rosa and I. I've spent the past years looking for resolution. She chose closure.

And, so, as I ready myself to leave, it looks like all the doors have been closed - all the doors I worked so hard at keeping open - it's time to try to find a beginning, a departure, a start... tomorrow morning.

To all of you, a Happy KillAllTheIndians Day. (This year, though, just eat turkey instead.)

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