Thursday, November 06, 2003

Suicide Watch... this month...

After my little trip to the Grand Canyon, it seems that whenever things aren't exactly smooth as glass in my life, my mom suddenly goes on "suicide watch". I start getting calls. Am I all right? Am I "handling" things?

What my mom doesn't understand - and not because I haven't tried telling her - is that, once I lost Rosa, nothing was smooth, nothing was all right, nothing could be "handled". This is not to say that I'm ready to try to kill myself again, having found out Rosa gave birth, having another reminder that Rosa doesn't want me, being forced to see how evicted I am from her life... no, that's not getting me thinking of suicide.

What my mom doesn't realize - and, yes, I've tried telling her - is that my life is one long nightmare. It stinks. It's painful and there's nothing I can do about it - but I'm not going to try to kill myself because of that. If any inner peace has been gained over the past six months, it's that my life just sucks, that is my life. I can't control that. I will forever be bereft of Rosa's heart and I will forever suffer as a result. The peace is gained in admitting that I cannot change that.

I know this sounds weird. Maybe that's why my mom doesn't get it.

So, I've got to make a call to my mom now and let her know I'm not going to kill myself... and remember not to blame her for bringing me into this world in the first place.

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