Catchin' up with Ken

Every once in a while, I need to write an entry that is strictly trash, void of a theme or any deep meaning, what you might call "sitting on the porch and shootin' the breeze".

K-pow! Stupid breeze...

I kind of threw my back out recently. Engaged is what strenuous activity, you might ask. "Sneezing," I'd probably answer. Yes, sneezing. I sneeze at work and the next thing I knew... OUCH! It's just thrown out enough to hurt, not enough to keep me down... which is too bad... I like being down... down in bed, down with World of Warcraft, down with a martini...

I recently heard tell that Tim and Autumn are working on making a baby. This is great news and I wish them luck. I know, from my own experience these past couple of years, that making a baby can be very difficult so I thought I'd give you some tips:
1) Sacrifice the virgins to Q'mafytl no later than five minutes after sundown on the third day after the ceremony of many hair.
2) Keep the cultures under your arm for as long as you can stand it... even if it means screaming...
3) Most importantly, the arms and legs of the new baby should each come from different babies... or Mickey Rooney... same thing and sewn, not with brunette human hair but BLONDE human hair. I made that mistake once and - whew! - never again, let me tell you!

In lieu of that, you could also have sex. My suggestion would be to have lots of sex, boxes of sex, a livingroom full of sex. But keep the sex at room temperature - NEVER put it in the freezer. Serve with garnish.

I haven't talked about Vicky in a while. OKAY! OKAY! I'M SHUTTING UP!

My mom got her computer fixed. So, of course, she's been calling me with question after question... someone, please kill me!

Auditions for Laura will be this Monday at Huntington Beach Playhouse. A new director has signed on, so I won't be able to presume upon the good will of the director I had in Something to Hide... in other words, I'm going to have to be a good actor. Time to start making alternate plans...

I've been working on a rewrite to Everything Changes. My god. This really was my first play, wasn't it? I cut ten pages from it (impressive? not when you consider its 125 page length!) and want to cut more. But how? It's also crammed with jokes and some of the best lines I've ever written. Yes, I impressed myself but a rewrite will be better. Having done it (the rewrite, Vicky!), I'm now wondering if I even want to show it to OCPA. These people are so set in their desire to be "artists", they miss the whole "entertain" idea. Do I even want to bother with them? And, if not, why am I a member? Things to think about.

So, anyway... Vicky. For those wondering, I've been discovering that Vicky, too, is neurotic. She's just neurotic in different ways from myself... and now I will spell them out for all of you. (Nothing - but NOTHING - is sacred!)

... okay, just one.

The other night, Vicky and I were eating ice cream. We set the bowl down (yes, we were sharing - aren't we cute?)... and, several minutes later, I picked it up to get the melted part. The melted part is universally agreed to be THE BEST PART OF THE ICE CREAM.

Vicky: What are you doing?
Ken: Huh?
Vicky: (kind of freaking) What are you doing?!
Ken: What's it look like I'm doing?
Vicky: (freaking) You're not going to eat - the ICE CREAM, are you?!
Ken: Well... yes.
Vicky: (really freaking) You can't eat the ice cream!!
Ken: Sure I can. I get it with the spoon and put the spoon in my mouth... like this. (And I put it in my mouth.)
Vicky: (positively freaking) But it's full of germs and diseases and DEMONS AND DEVILS AND
FUCKING
OPRAH
WINFREYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, at that point, her head started to spin around and green pea soup started to fly and, well, I'm thinking she has this thing about germs.

... Anyway, she's a little neurotic.