Tuesday, August 31, 2004

My Side Commits Wuss-icide...

I knew it was coming. Today. It's a day I saw coming... well, weeks ago! I mean all you have to do is look at the calendar!!

But today's more than just a point on the calendar, it's about me pounding my head against my desk in the hopes of getting the blood out...

See, here's what happened - and I'll tell you as impartially as I can... and then I'll tell you why...

I knew that once I was engaged to be married, I'd have to sever any ties I had left with Rosa. Three ties remained: a joint checking account, joint life insurance, and a joint 24-hour fitness membership. Why joint? Two reasons: 1) We thought we'd always be friends. 2) She paid. You can guess which one I was interested in. She didn't have to pay anything for the checking account and I got that closed and opened a new one a couple of weeks ago. I paid for the 24-hour fitness membership from my checking account and, now that I have a new one, I need to look into taking Rosa off and moving the membership over to that new account.

The problem child was that life insurance policy. Rosa paid for that one, see, so I let that go on for a while. Hey, she owes me $10,000! Since she's not paying me back, I might as well get something! I'd looked into this once before. A year and a half ago, my agent had sent me the papers I needed to sign. Rosa had signed one already. The problem was, she hadn't signed the other. This meant I'd have to go see her and have her sign it.

This caused Vicky some distress and she wouldn't tell me why. She wouldn't give me so much as a clue. It could be anything within the range of her possible fear of signed papers all the way up to me having "goodbye sex" with Rosa after the papers were signed. Vicky wasn't talking. Meanwhile, I was doing my own distressing. After all, I hadn't been by that house in eight months and I hadn't seen Rosa in over a year. Now, I'd have to face my failure again, look right into the face of the woman who I had betrayed... no, let me try that again... look right into the face of the woman who I had once loved more than anyone in the world but had betrayed. And you know what that means? It means I'm capable of anything. When you get right down to it, love means nothing to me. I am unworthy of any trust. Anybody would be foolish to put any faith in me.

What I wanted more than anything was for Vicky to say, "Don't worry. I'll see you afterwards. It's okay. I love you." And what was she doing? She was playing, "I'm not going to tell you what I'm thinking."

Now, if you're guessing we fought, you'd be guessing well. Take that talent and go to Vegas! All night long, we snapped at each other and raised our voices. Oh yeah, I was feeling very secure about our relationship.

And what happened next? Not able to sleep, I poured over the documents - again and again - until I realized that she only had to sign in that one spot! I wouldn't need another signature! Any need for me to have to see her was gone!

Now, you'd think it would end there but, of course, it hasn't. This issue has created problems for us and then, it's job done, went away. How nice.

I got to work this morning and wanted to write about it. I wanted to write all about how I felt... but I couldn't. I couldn't think of what to say without feeling like I was violating Vicky privacy or sounding angry or creating resentment...

And that's when today became the day when I could no longer write about my relationship because this isn't just about me any more... it's about us.

Let's hope we can work this out. Let's hope I don't fuck things up again.

Then, I'll write about it.

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