Sunday, August 10, 2003

Times like these drive me nuts...

Where to start?

Wednesday night, I tipped the Insanity charts by sleepwalking in the midst of a nightmare! That night, I slept only a coupe of hours.

Thursday night, I walked even further in the midst of a nightmare and slept even less. This isn’t simple insomnia. This isn’t a case of not being able to sleep but rather, shaking and clutching a the threads of your sanity in terror of what might happen while you sleep and therefore must not.

Friday night, I went to Ocean Beach to hang out with Tim. We spent most of the night watching TV and such and didn’t get to the nitty-gritty until much later. At around 1am, we walked the beach and talked. I told him about my tenuous grip on reality and how the lack of sleep was driving me crazy. How terrified, depressed, and desperate I am.

We didn’t go to bed until 4am. I slept on his sofa. The first nightmare was based on the series MASH. Then, there was a second nightmare. When the third nightmare woke me, I was clutching the sofa for dear life, so hard that I wrenched my back outta whack! It still hurts! (This is why I’m writing rather than at the gym!) (Well, on reason – the other is that I’ve been smoking too much!)

I felt like a zombie all day. That was the day of Sean and Megan’s yearly BBQ. I had fully intended to go until I heard that Rosa would be going. Out of deference to everyone else, I said I’d wait to go after she left. Imagine, if you will, how depressing it would have been if I’d been there, crying and shaking. I don’t just miss Rosa. She’s the other side of my heart that was torn out of me. This isn’t just a case of someone losing a friend – I lost my life’s love. My heart. My future. My life. If I go crazy from missing her here at my apartment, just think out bad off I’d be with her there. So, I waited. Turned out, she didn’t leave until nearly 9pm, long after the BBQ was over.

Well, I saw Sean today and he tried to tell me how I didn’t have to stay home. He didn’t understand that I never assumed I had to – I simply didn’t want to inflict my pain on others. I’ve lost so much control. I can’t control my tear ducts, my nerves… my heart. I’m far worse than a nervous wreck. I’m heading to suicide – nobody seems to understand this. My friends tell me I need to cut it out but I can’t. I just can’t stop loving Rosa and missing her.

Then, a brainstorm. I realized that I’d stopped taking St. Jon’s Wort in June. Maybe that coincided with the beginning of the nightmares??? And, so, today I picked up some St. Jon’s Wort – we’ll see what happens now.

Things have to get better. Any worse and I’m gone for good. When I say that my nerves are shot to hell, I don’t just mean that I have to smoke now to keep from shaking and having panic attacks. I mean that I haven’t a moment of normality any more, every moment screams at me my doom. Rosa isn’t’ with me every day, she’s with me every hour – more! Everything is a reminder of the future we should have had together and that she does not love me and that I’ve been ruined and thrown away like a broken toy. I have to claw my way through my life, hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute, just to get through, just to survive. Nothing brings me pleasure. There is no happiness. I really want to die.

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