Are and Are...

So, I just looked at the Blog and noticed Ronald Reagan ads on top! Ick! Get them away! They're slimy! Yuck!

What better way to get rid of them than to write about something else.

I've been avoiding writing about depression (perhaps unsuccessfully) but it has been on my mind of late.

Last night, I talked to Tim for a while. Saying, "Well, you sound like you're doing good," he hung up... and my mood sank pretty quickly. I filled a glass full of ice, poured a great deal of vodka in it, and topped it with Pellegrino. (My kingdom for a lime!) I smoked and drank until my depression became lost in a haze. Then, I went to sleep.

I keep wondering when this will pass and I get very disturbed. After four years, I feel like I'm barely holding my life together. Just recently, I burned through all of my sick time, took unpaid days off, burned through what money I do have, started smoking again (hey, it's a monthly thing)... Where once I was worried about taking my own life, now I worry about screwing it up while I'm still alive. I've got from actively suicidal to passively "who gives a rat's ass"?

And every day I struggle forward, knowing that the only way I'm going to beat this thing is to keep moving.

What set this episode off was breakfast with Sean last Sunday. He told me in great detail how things were going with Rosa, including how depressed she's been. Depressed? Why? She fucked up her life with a series of bad decisions that make Shrub look like Solomon. And I find it very hard to pity her - though I do pity her child - because my sadness also stems from what she's done to me... okay, to a degree - but a DAMN BIG DEGREE!