As careful as I am with words sometimes, I never cease to be amazed at how they seem to bite me in the ass. It was a weekend full of that...
Friday night, I started getting my ducks in a row for what was supposed to be a very productive weekend. As with most things, the result was only partially successful. I sent the new play out to Lori and Annie, hoping they'll like it. (Anyone else care to see it?) I wrote to yet another woman on Match.com who never wrote back. I cleaned my kitchen. This all took, maybe, 45 minutes and I spent the rest of the night playing World of Warcraft ("WoW"). (Have I mentioned I'm on the Beta?) I am so utterly addicted to this game, it is terrifying. I've been playing it for about three months now and there's yet a twinge of boredom. Let there be no doubt about it: Blizzard knows how to make video games! If you ever get the itch from some MMORPG goodness - this is an itch that Blizzard scratches with CRACK! I swear to Gawd!
(Just as an aside, wouldn't it be cool if religious people - especially those phoney, evil bastards on TV - and Republicans - started referred to "Gawd". You know, spelling it like that and saying it with the extended vowel. "Gaawwwwd.")
I had to get up the next morning to bring my car in for service, which I did but I will say that I had just finished playing WoW a few hours before and I was less than awake. I sat in the Norm Reeves waiting area, fading in and out of sleep and catching the occasional glimpse at a hottie also getting her car serviced and hearing... what was that? It was an annoying sound coming from over my shoulder. It must have been the TV, I thought, playing some atrocious kids show... for the kids... who were never there to see it. It turned. Worse. Someone had put on a tape of School of Rock. Now, I'd never seen it but I'd heard my share of bad things. I cringed through the last 30 or 40 minutes. As much as I love Jack Black... this SO sucked! It was the corporatized Jack Black! It - - - let's just drop it.
I got away with the service to my car for free - I had a coupon - which was good because I'd been telling everyone I'm broke. And that's the first thing that came back to bite me.
And it was true. I was broke. Okay? But there are just some times when you get sick of depriving yourself and just "getting by" and want to splurge. So, I went to Costco. I bought some new CD/DVD burning software, some sandals, and plenty of food, spending $200. So... now I'm even more broke. (Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.)
I went home and made a huge Chinese Chicken Salad, with some stuff I'd bought, and stuffed myself as I watched Pink Floyd's The Dark Side of the Moon. It's kind of a "making of" DVD, featuring all the members of Pink Floyd. Okay, now, before I get all fan-boy-geeked out on you, let me just say that I've always been a fan of the Floyd and their music just gets better and better through the years, especially this album. If you haven't heard it in a while, listen to it sometime soon. Hell, I'll burn you a copy!
It was back to the Wow for a few hours and then back to the Floyd, where I sat and ate tomato sandwiches. (Okay, so I bought a lot of veggies. Does this come as a surprise to anyone???) In my post-tomato-sandwich lethargy, I watched Roger Waters talk about putting together this masterpiece (and what else do you call an album on the charts over 700 weeks?) and thought, "Mmmm hmm. And the last thing you wrote sucked. It sucked. It just sucked. Think it's about time you got your ass in gear again? Well? Don't you?"
I answered, "Don't have time. Full of tomato sandwiches. Shut up. Make me a drink."
The reply was simple. "There is one thing you can do."
The rewrite for Atheists is going to be very simple.
I'd said this a million times. "I just have to punch up one scene and I'm done," I'd said. "It won't take more than a day," I'd said.
And the script was sitting on the table before me, opened to the very scene I needed to rewrite. It had become a coaster; it was so neglected. It wouldn't take long to do. I could pause the DVD and - FINE! Okay! I paused the DVD. I turned on the lights. I picked up my pen...
... and I was done in two hours. One more thing knocked of my list of "Summer Projects". I even sent it out to a theater. How hard was that. I kind of felt guilty I hadn't done it before.
Next on the list is the rewrite for "Everything Changes", which will take much longer and be far more involved. (To be clear: It'll probably take a week.)
I finished watched Dark Side of the Moon and was in bed by midnight, which was early because I had to get up early on Sunday.
There'll be good days and bad days.
I always say this when I'm talking about my depression... and I say it so profoundly. I say it like I'd made such progress. But what I don't say is that the reason I know this is because every other day is a bad day!
So, Sunday was a bad day.
My alarm went off and I ignored it... I'm getting awful good at that. But then, Sean called. You see, I was supposed to get up to meet him for breakfast at 8:30am. I answered and said, half-asleep, "I'm up. I'm up. I can still make it." I looked at the clock. "Sean, it's only ten after eight."
"I know." he said.
"So, why are you calling?"
"To let you know I won't be there until nine."
So... then... I could sleep some more!... but I didn't. The restaurant he wanted to go to was just down the street, about a mile, so I figured I'd walk. I showered etc. and put on my new sandals for the walk. It was a nice morning, not too cold, but it would have been better if, halfway through the restaurant, the sandals hadn't cut through my feet in several places. At one point, blood was smeared. Nice. But I was halfway there, turning back would have been just as bad. I figured I'd finish the walk and have Sean drive me home.
I was early or Sean was late. One was or another, I sat out there a while, contemplating what would happen if he didn't show and I had to walk back home.
But he did show.
"You know, Sean, I never much liked this place," I said for no apparent reason except, it seems to me, to be obnoxious and to make my next point. "Rosa always loved it, though."
I shouldn't have brought up Rosa. It was a stupid mistake. Sean must have thought I wanted to talk about Rosa because that's all he did while we were there, which made me more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more depressed. Finally, I said, "Sean, can we change the subject. I'm getting annoyed."
"Why are you getting annoyed?" Sean asked.
"Because I still love her!" My words rang off the windows and in my head, quieting our table for a while.
He drove me home and I lied down. It was all I could do to get up a little later and do my laundry. When you're depressed, you're not very inclined to do chores. I had plenty of others to do... but, at least, I did my laundry. I stayed on that sofa most of the day and talked to Tim at night, which helped a little, teensy bit.
Now, it's a new week. Another in a long line of weeks after Rosa. I'm at a point where I feel like I'm barely holding my life together. So many threads come loose on me. So many get away. I try and to the simple things like going to work and doing my laundry because things like having relationships left my grasp long ago... but even those simple things get away from me so often these days.
And so it goes...