Tuesday, June 29, 2004

From Bikes to Trains to Video Games...

Okay, so I was singing the old Toys 'R' Us theme earlier and it stuck and it reminded me of the old LOVE's commercial (it was a steak house) and that made me want steak and...

Where was I?

Let me just start off immediately by saying, "Video games! I want to play video games!" What is this whole life thing about if you can't take the time to play video games? I just don't know. I wanna.

But enough of that.

It looks like, grid willing and the river don't rise (or whatever), this weekend, Vicky will be meeting one of my friends, Tim Clostio. Looks like we'll be heading down his way for dinner... or something. I don't know. But I do know we're going. Sure, this makes me nervous. Why shouldn't it? Actually, let's take a moment to talk about nervous...

Nervous: 1a. Of or relating to the nerves or nervous system: nervous tissue. 1b. Stemming from or affecting the nerves or nervous system: a nervous disorder. 2. Easily agitated or distressed; high-strung or jumpy. 3. Marked by or having a feeling of unease or apprehension: nervous moments before takeoff.

When it comes to Vicky, I'm really nervous. We talked about this last night and came to the conclusion that we scare each other because we know how much one of us could hurt the other. We're afraid of opening up but feel compelled to... our hearts are calling the shots and we don't much like that.

We talked for over three hours last night. I spent a good portion of that time telling Vicky about Rosa. Yes, I told her. I told her the whole story, from the abortion to the birth of her child with Michael. (Interesting bookends, no?) When I was done, I said, "Sorry, that's a lot to lay on you." She replied, "No, it's a lot to have to carry around."

Saturday, I'll also be spending a portion of the day looking at properties. Yes, I really am starting this house hunting thing. Talk about nervous! I wish one of you guys had some magic words because I need them. Let's see... I'm buying a small place for myself but I've met this woman I want to be with and should really wait or buy a bigger place but I never know what might happen and maybe I should wait but I need a place and it's just for me but I'm not alone anymore oh wait yes I am because nothing's final and I could end up losing her but that could happen anyway and...

You see what I mean?

An added layer to all of this is further issues brought about by Rosa. No, she hasn't popped back into my life but her spectre remains a constant thorn. I am prodded with the pestering notion that I have no right to happiness and should get away before happiness happens to me. It's stupid. I know it's stupid. It's also a major pain in the ass.

So my life has gone from stagnation to explosion and my head swims, trying to keep up.

Here's what I do know:

1) I find myself falling in love with Vicky. (For those of you following along at home, say it with me, "No shit.")
2) I like it.
3) That doesn't mean life gets to stop... or even slow down... dammit.

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