Tuesday, October 07, 2003

The list of...

After "Play it Again" ended, I made a list.

Primarily, I made the list because my place was a mess. Whenever I'm in a show, my housekeeping skills drop down to the level of my cats and everything goes to hell in a Gucci clutch. So, I made a list... you know... so I wouldn't actually have to do the work.

When I was finished, the list had 29 items on it.

Now, I'm down to 14.

I started with the easy things: Clean Patio (all I needed to do was sweep), Clean living room tables, Dust bookcases. Now, sadly, I'm at the more difficult items: Clean bathroom (why is it so many of these begin with the word "Clean"?), Clean carpet, write letter to Rosa.

That last item is probably the toughest. It came about thanks to Tim's suggestion (and considering that I was drunk at the time it was more like an order) to email Rosa and tell her my feelings. Well, that started the cycle of "Please take me back", "No, I can't", "Please, please take me back", "No, I can't" all over again. Rosa had mentioned that it was hard for her to check her email and, so, I wrote in one of the last emails that I would send her a letter to spare her the emails.

Then, I took a couple weeks to think about it. After all, I realized, this begging her to take me back just wasn't working - and I was looking rather foolish - and I still felt a profound need to purge myself of many things. My final decision was that this letter should be written as a form of closure, saying all the things I never got to say. After all, I'm never going to convince her to get back together with me - but I might get a little closure out of the whole thing. This fits well into my plans for the closing of this year, as well. If I'm going to spend a few months trying to figure out who I am, or even to get an inkling, it couldn't hurt to try and put some of this behind me if, indeed, I never get her back.

Oh, I wasn't forgetting the possibility that the written word could have some sway, either.

And, so, in the end, the letter is one last plea, my side of the story of us, and what has happened to me - all in one bundle.

I started it Sunday. Sean said he knew that once I started a project, it moved along pretty well after that. Sunday night, I wrote a page. Last night, two and a half pages. It's moving along... I just don't necessarily want it to...

The letter starts with a prologue - what I hope to accomplish, why we should be together, etc. Then, it launches into our past, telling out story chronologically, starting from an afternoon at Valley High School's library, February 4, 1985... I had to stop six months before our divorce. This wasn't a story of how much fun we had together; it told about where I feel our problems started and where they were headed. Sure, she knows all of that but she might not know my side of it because how often in our relationships do we get to explain why we did what we did?

I do not speak in hyperbole when I say it was like opening every wound I'd ever had. Painful? Yes and more than that... but I knew it was important, if not for her then for me. Think about the worst mistake you ever made. Chance are, you intended a completely different outcome. You may have even been trying to do the right thing at the time and failed miserably. How often have you told the person you hurt when you did that what it was you originally intended to do?

But painful? Yes, it was painful.

After a couple of hours, I had to get up. I went to Lido Isle (Newport Beach) and walked from Newport Beach pier to Balboa pier... then realized I'd have to walk back. I smoked and I smoked... and I smoked. For over two hours, I walked.


Then, when I went to bed, I was wide awake. One thing I probably haven't mentioned is that insomnia oftentimes has nothing to do with just not sleeping. One critical factor is the voices. Yes, I hear voices. They are often too loud to shut out and I can never make out a word they say. They're not talking to me so much as they are yelling in the background. Frightened, panicked voices. And I had to get them to shut up so I could sleep... which I did around 4am...

I still have so much to write. I want to give a full account of why I left her after she asked me for several months to do so, why I was so mean to her for over a year afterwards... why I can't stop loving her. Then, I want to tell her what it would be like if she ever wanted to get together... things like how she'll need to get therapy to work on her problems, and how hard it will be for me to face her child now that she's shut me out for so long... I figure, if nothing else, that will guaranty her never wanting to be with me. But I have to be honest. I have to be honest.

But I better do it quick. I'm driving myself nuts all over again.

... and I have to clean my bedroom, too...

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