Friday, October 10, 2003

A really long letter...

As I mentioned three days ago (was it only three days ago?), I've started this letter to Rosa.

Considering that it may be the last letter I ever write to her, I figured I should make it good. It may be the last letter I write to her, because, chances are, she'll never reply or respond in any way. That she wants me out of her life is no secret... to anyone... even people who don't know her... so I should get the hint!

So, I figured I should make it good. I should say everything I've always wanted to say - everything I want to tell her - regardless of consequence. (Mind you, nothing I want to tell her comes in four-letter words... except the word "love".) With so much to write, I had to decide how I'd compose this letter. Should I take it issue by issue, problem by problem? No. I don't think there are that many problems. A couple - the biggest of which is that she doesn't want me. She I make it an argument refuting all the reasons she says she cannot be with me? No. The main reason why she can't be with me is because, sadly, she doesn't love me.

So, why even write the letter? I mean, if she wants me out of her life, if she doesn't want me, if she doesn't love me, why write the letter? I realized, after I was well into it, that I wasn't writing it just for her. I was also writing it for me. If I'm ever going to move on, I think it will help to get some of these things out. Mind you, she might not read it, but...

In the end, I decided I'd write the letter chronologically. I took it from day one and drew a narrative all the way to the present day. The narrative focus starts at (what I believe was) the root cause of our divorce and stays mainly on that narrative, dealing with all the problems we'd encountered since.

It's really opened my eyes. Hell, I've been through a lot! I thought I'd been okay after our separation and insanity only crept in after a couple years. ... No, I was pretty much nuts from the start! Losing Rosa killed me from the very beginning but I expressed it in very strange ways, and so could never get past the guilt. Now, I'm past the guilt but still dealing with the hurt.

And, so, I write this letter. It's 60 pages long as of today. Yep, 60 pages. And I've not finished it. I still have the past month to go over. I never imagined my life had been so full of sorrow for so long. It's time I got used to it, I guess, if such a thing is possible. Rosa won't be coming back, no matter what I do.

Hopefully, this letter will put her in my past and I can move on - though how I could possibly do that without her is beyond me.

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