Friday, October 17, 2003

Say it with me: 38...

Yes, it was my birthday yesterday. You probably noticed the celebrations of peace, harmony, and group sex taking place in public venues throughout the globe and in a few communities on Io (for you astronomy nerds out there)... now you know why.

... Actually, um, no.

I finished the letter to Rosa on Tuesday, two days before my birthday. I was glad because my entire list (you remember "the list" right?) had been neglected to focus on this one project for an entire week. A whole week! For that week, I did nothing but write (except when I was at work... where I'm employed as a Writer). I know I wasn't sleeping. I was having panic attacks, nightmares... the occasional cigarette... this letter was driving me nuts! So, Tuesday, I finished it. It weighed in at 60 pages. Yep, 60 pages... short.

After I finished it, I wanted to go back over it and jots notes of anything I might have forgotten in the margins. So, I had it printed and got ready to start making notes.

Wednesday. The whole idea of going through the letter got more frantic when I opened my mailbox and found a birthday card in there from Rosa. From Rosa! Oddly enough, seeing the card didn't make me want to puke. Opening the card did. This woman has my guts by a string - I swear to god! The card was full of "be happy - without me". Ouch. The strange thing was that she sent me a renewal card to AAA. See, we used to have AAA together - there's a whole long story there that I'm too lazy to type - but once we split up, she kept it. (I can't remember why.) Well, after Michael came into the picture, he took my place in every way imaginable - yes, in that way too. So, why didn't she give the card to him?

As you can probably understand, I was irritated and needed to do something and... the letter. I finished that by midnight and drove it down to her house. Oh, there was that impulse to bang on her door and beg one last time but we all know how that would work out. The letter said not to open until after her child was born - why traumatize Rosa further? As for me, I figure she'll never even read it and that all hope is lost. But I didn't write it just for her. I wrote it for me, to put everything in perspective, in a box, on the shelf, and closed away. I'm not saying I'm going to move on. I'm not saying I'll ever be happy, or feel real joy, ever again in my life. But, in the very least, it's time I admit that I'm alone. That's just how my life is going to be from now on.

Thursday was my birthday and, sure enough, I was alone. Oh, Keith was having some problems so I had his company - though it would be nice to hear him not complain... just once! But that was it. How far I've come from the days when I had plenty of friends and a wife who loved me and a home.

So, that's what 38 looks like.

Kind of sucks.

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