KHED... Ken's Head Radio...

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older...

NO!

I'm notorious for having a radio station playing in my head. It's annoying at the worst of times, distracting at the best... it can waver between the theme to the Brady Bunch (Here's the story of a lovely lady who was bringing up three very lovely girls, all of them had hair of gold like their mother.... the bitch.) and Al Stewart's Year of the Cat (Well morning comes and you're still with her and her eyes shine like the moon in the sea, she comes in incense and patchouli so you take her to find what's waiting inside...) and everything in between.

Time on my hands could be time spent with you, laughing like children, living like lovers, rolling like thunder under the covers...

Hmmm... I suppose that's why they call it the blues...

Sad songs (though they say so much) are always tough to have going through my head because they bring up thoughts of Rosa. (And so many can! Don't get me started!)

I simply love you more than I love life itself...

Dammit.

There's this new band, called The Thrills, that I absolutely love.

You build me up so high, My darling
You brought me down so low, You know it
You build me up so high, My darling
You brought me down so low, You know it...

More songs about Rosa... even after Rosa's gone.

I saw Sean for dinner last night and we talked over soup and salads. (Souplantation, don'cha know?) And I dropped a bomb on him.

One year ago, I promised to keep a secret for Rosa for one year... and now, I'm talking. One year ago, Rosa and I were dating. I was in love with her. I thought we would end up back together again. Rosa was having money problems at this time and needed help. She'd extended herself too far, trying to have improvements done to her home. She needed $10,000.

And I gave it to her.

It was a loan. She agreed to pay me back in six months if I agreed not to mention it for one year. Six months later, however, she was having difficulties with her pregnancy and asked if she could have another year to pay me back. Well, I'd loaned it to her without a contract. There really wasn't any way I could force her to pay me, so I agreed.

Now, she's blocked my email. She won't even talk to me.

I feel like I've done everything I promised while, in return, Rosa has given me a great deal of disrespect. Please let me emphasize that I don't think she's intentionally avoided paying me back. She's had money problems and I acknowledge that. But now she's shut me out - something I do not deserve. I feel it's important to talk about it now because it's important that I recognize this side of her - the side that really doesn't care about me.

Yep, she's the woman I love... and I think all signs point to her not being someone entirely worthy of that.

And the thought of Rosa not being worthy of my love is enough to remove all light from the world and every song from my heart.

The upside being that I don't have to hear the theme from Gilligan's Island.