Rosa… Rosa… Rosa…

You know, you think this would be all over. Wouldn't you? I know I would.

… I would. But then, I know something you don't.

Time to talk about it.

First, let me say that Rich was out from Florida this past week. It was great visiting with him. I wish I had a picture of us together; I'd post it for you to see. We spent a lot of time talking about writing. Scratch that. We spent an inordinate amount of time talking about writing, our common bond since the beginning. Most of the time was spent talking about "the book". "The book" is what Rich wants to write with me but he can't seem to get started. (And that was part of our agreement, that he get it started.) "The book" is going to be about two guys who have gone through life like it was a shredder and still keep going. A kind of "self-help book for guys" that says, "You bet it sucks but keep smiling". That's what it's supposed to be about.

He suggested it nearly a year ago and I told him recently that I did not want to write about Rosa after I'm married to Vicky. For that matter, I don't much want to write about Rosa now.

As you know, I loaned her $10,000 nearly two years ago. She agreed to pay me back, with interest, within six months.

She still hasn't paid me back.

So, a few weeks ago, I sent her an email. I told her that I didn't care about the interest. I didn't care about how much time had passed. I told her I didn't want a relationship, I didn't want to talk, all I want is my money. Give me my money, bitch!

She replied almost immediately, giving me her life's sad story, and said she'd pay me some of the money back next month.

This morning, I got another email from her. In it, she said that she assumed I never received her first reply. Why did she make that assumption? I can only assume it was because I didn't write her back. Of course, I didn't write her back! What was there to say? She went on to say that times are tough for her (I'll spare you the lies) and that she wouldn't be able to pay me back. That she refuses to pay me back is inescapable. It just took her a few weeks to admit that.

Receiving emails from Rosa naturally makes me question how I feel about her. I did that this morning.

And I came to some rather startling and, it would seem at least, contrary conclusions. I mention they're contrary for those of you who tempted to write me back and say, "Hey, this don't make any sense!" I know. That's just simply how it is.

First and foremost, I can't think about Rosa without feeling sick. That's where I'm at. I deeply regret ever losing her but I would never want her back. I feel terrible about how our marriage ended but I'm really glad it did. I miss her and hope I never see her again. In a way, I pity her… but mostly, I loathe her. I don't hate her. I don't wish her ill. But I hope, for her sake, that I never see her. I don't anticipate that it would be a pleasant encounter. Now, this doesn't mean I'd launch a flurry of blows, attacking her once I saw her. I see it going something like this:

Rosa: Ken! Hi! It's good to see you!
Ken: Get the fuck away from me. (And I'd probably say "bitch" just afterwards.)

She took much more than she gave and I see any suffering she endures simply as payback.

… and now Rich wants to write this book. Oh, that'll be fun.