It's starting...

Last night, I got a taste of Howard - the character I'm playing in Something to Hide - and I didn't like it one bit.

Karen charged at me. I grabbed her wrist. I shouted, "Let Go!" and threw her to the ground. My hand had a grip like iron around hers as I forced it to the ground.

Immediately, I broke character - broke free of character is more like it - backed up, and said, "Oh, god. I'm sorry."

Christi, the actress playing Karen, said, "No. That was good."

Actors are the strangest breed of people.

I hate violence and hate that it could come so easily. When Rosa and I were together, she was more likely to be violent. I was more likely to lose my temper, but I'd hit a wall or something long before I'd hit a person. More likely that not, I'd take a walk or just yell. I was never a fighter, never mean.

Now this.

Oy.

Tonight, we'll be going over the big mistress scene. Things will be getting physical in a different way. We're talking about lots of kissing, which we'll probably start doing tonight. The woman cast as my mistress, Stephanie (the actress's name), I don't mind kissing. She's something of a hottie. Then, there's her understudy... who I couldn't be less attracted to if she was covered with ants.

You could say I have mixed emotions.

And I can't help but find it funny that after all these years, I still get really nervous about kissing someone on stage. Why? Hell, I don't know. To put it bluntly, I know I'm a good kisser. I have documented evidence. I've destroyed marriages and shattered nations with my lips... kinda... I really have nothing to worry about on that front.

And it's not because I worry about giving some poor woman only a taste of the greatness that will soon be taken from her that I get nervous. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I guess it's the whole "kissing without emotion" thing. It's probably the reason why I could never sleep around - as much as I might LOVE TO! - unlike most men, I need something there. Otherwise, it's an empty experience. More than empty. Uncomfortable. I feel like I shouldn't be doing that.

Who knows. Maybe once Howard starts to take over, I won't care how empty it is.

It's better than hurting them.