Monday, March 15, 2004


One thing about this whole Blog business is I have no idea how many readers I have. In the event that either one of you have a new reader checking this site out, I figured it's been a long time since I've given you an overview of who I am and what I'm about so I thought I'd take this morning and do just that.

(WARNING: Contents are acidic. Be sure to wear your sense of humor.)

My name's Ken La Salle. I'm an actor and writer in Orange County, California. I'm an actor in the "doesn't do it for a living and doesn't do it particularly well" sense. I'm a writer in the "why can't I catch a fucking break so I can stop working in this shithole writing manuals" sense. As much as I hate to admit it, I am in Orange County. Yes, it is as bad as they say.

As 38 years of age, I'm just now beginning to feel mortality creeping in. With decrepitude, there goes my dream of being handsome one day. I've never had kids and, at this age, I'm too old to have kids. Mind you, you need a woman to have kids (this is all explained in the My Side "How to Have Kids ColorForm Fun Book") and no woman wants me.

One woman did once. Rosa. But she lost - a) interest, b) patience, c) love, d) her Prozac - and I lost her. And I can't seem to move on. I can't get over her. She was/is/could be (who knows) the love of my life and I'm terrified that I'll be alone for the rest of my life and die without ever having been loved again.

Losing Rosa pretty much destroyed my life. Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, Ben & Jerry's - that wasn't the worst of it. The worst of it came with a trip to the Grand Canyon with the idea of jumping off the side. I didn't do that (in case you can't tell) but I wonder every day why not.

After Rosa, I worked very hard at finding someone to take her place but no one could. For the past couple of years, I haven't dated. At first, I thought that was my choice.... now, I'm realizing that women are not attracted to me. So, I have to get used to being alone, which is the price I pay for not killing myself.

Presently, I'm acting in a show called "Something to Hide" at the Newport Theater Arts Center. I play a very bad man, which is really hard for me because I don't like to be seen as a bad person. I always try to do the right thing - and when I fail, I apologize.

I've learned something in 38 years, though.

There's no reward for doing the right thing. Most of the time, people don't even notice.

Being a good person is its only reward. People still hate you. Sometimes, you go unloved. You can be lonely.

I hate to be seen as bad because, inside, I think that I probably did something to deserve all this loneliness. That thing I did was in leaving Rosa. Now, people will see me as a bad man and, inside?, I am a bad man. And there's no hiding from it.

Mind you, it's not all gloomy. After losing Rosa four years ago, I became utterly despondent and suicidal. Now, I'm simply miserable. In my position, you take whatever gains you can get. Misery is slightly better than despondency and you don't have the energy to kill yourself.

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